How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. We have an age difference (he’s 46, I’m 30). I love him dearly. He has OCD and is very big on his routines. Everything has a routine. He does not handle variation from the regular daily schedule very well. In all other aspects of our life, I’m totally fine with conforming to his needs—they benefit me 90 percent of the time anyway.

But I think our sex life is just OK. It’s not bad, but it’s the same every time. It’s the same dirty talk, same actions, same outcome. I like it, but I really crave more variety.

I don’t know how to bring this up to him, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life having the same exact sexual experience every time. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t understand or appreciate his OCD, but I’m not entirely sure if my problem stems from his need to follow routines or if it’s simply just how he likes to have sex.

—Same Old Stuff

Dear Same Old Stuff,

Spend some time considering what you’ll do if it turns out that your boyfriend is only ever going to give you the same routine. Is this a dealbreaker for you? Or do you value the rest of the relationship highly enough that the repetitive nature of your sex is, while undesirable, something you can tolerate? This might come up when the two of you start discussing the subject, so it’s best to do the introspection now.

Help! I Just Wanted to Learn More About My Birth Family. Uh, I Wasn’t Prepared for What I’d Find. My Parents Had a Weird Philosophy About Raising Kids. I Worry I’m About to Inflict It On My Own Son and Daughter. Help! We Generously Offered to Take Over Custody of Our Grandson. We’re So Frustrated at How His Parents Responded. Help! I Woke Up to Find that My Boyfriend Wet the Bed. Again. But My Reaction Isn’t What He’s Expecting.

It’s also worth considering whether your stance differs depending on whether this is a personal preference of his or a manifestation of the OCD he experiences, since the end of your letter indicates this might be the case. Think about whether the reason changes anything, and, if so, why that is. Because the “why” seems to hold weight for you, I’d broach the subject of variety in sex with a question: ”I’ve been wondering about the way we have sex. Is the consistent routine a preference of yours or does it have something to do with the way OCD affects you?” As always, choose your time well, and make sure you have the emotional reserves to deal with any hard feelings that come up for either of you. Once you’ve asked your question, listen to what he says. Take into account the fact that sometimes many of us struggle to really know the answer to something like this at first, so be patient if he’s contradictory or needs to revisit the subject later on.

While you’re working through that big discussion, I’m wondering whether you can meet your desire for variety through masturbation. When you’re alone, you can absolutely change things up through different ways of stimulating yourself, fantasies, and any other variable you can think of. This might provide a way to let some steam off while the two of you work on variety when you’re together, or as an outlet long-term if he’s unable or unwilling to experiment and you decide you want to stay in the relationship.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I’ve always been a free-spirited guy, and I don’t really know how I ended up married, especially to a prudish woman. Our sex life reduced a lot in the past few years, until I felt like my wife was just giving me boring maintenance sex three times a week and always claiming she was too tired or didn’t have the energy for anything kinkier or more exciting. We have three toddlers, so I didn’t want to mess up our family, and I decided to quietly take matters into my own hands. This fall, I discreetly started seeing a female friend a few nights a week. She knew I was involved in a marriage that didn’t sexually fulfill me, and I was able to enjoy sex with a true spark; plus, getting my needs met helped me become a better and more patient husband. Unfortunately, my girlfriend told my wife.