Each week, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with a colleague or friend, just for Slate Plus members. This week Jenée Desmond-Harris and Rachelle Hampton discuss Prudie’s response to: “Clean Chef.”

Dear Prudence, 

I have a low-stakes problem. My girlfriend and I recently moved in together and decided that we would take turns cooking and cleaning up. If I cook, she cleans up after dinner and vice versa. This seemed like it’d be a fair division of labor, however, we have different cooking styles. I am a “clean as you go” cook. I empty the dishwasher before I start and then put measuring cups and mixing bowls in the dishwasher when I am done with them and clean pots and pans if I get done with them before the meal is done. This means there are really only the serving dishes, dishes we ate on, and maybe a pot and pan to clean up after.

When my girlfriend cooks, it looks like an explosion happened in the kitchen. She never cleans up anything and there are dirty dishes piled in the sink and on the counter. When she cooks, it takes me forever to clean the kitchen. I asked her if she could clean up as she went and she said that is not how she cooks. I told her that I didn’t think it was fair for me to have to do double the cleaning that she does and her solution was for me to not clean up as I go. But then the kitchen is a cluttered mess when I am cooking and it feels overwhelming to me. My compromise was that we clean up together or we each cook and clean up our own messes after, but she said she liked it the way it was and it was working for her. Am I being unreasonable on this? Is it a red flag that she dismissed my discomfort so flippantly?

—Clean Chef

Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.

Jenée Desmond-Harris: If you’ve just moved in with your partner and they’re already going “Nope, sorry I don’t care how you feel, not going to adjust…”

Before kids, affairs, illnesses, job loss, mental health issues, and all the other things that come up and make life more challenging when people are together a long time—just end it. If you can’t navigate dishes, how are you going to navigate anything that’s actually hard? That’s why my answer was three words. But you chose this question so you probably have more to say. And honestly, they probably deserve a longer response. What were your thoughts?

Rachelle Hampton: OK, so I have to admit that I’m not a “clean as you go” kind of chef, my mom has described my cooking process as a “small tornado,” which is all to say that I deeply understand both the girlfriend and the letter-writer. It’s really hard to merge cleaning styles! And I do think it’s a big red flag that the LW’s girlfriend isn’t accommodating but I do wonder if, in the same way that our LW is anxious about cooking in a cluttered kitchen, the girlfriend has some kind of block around cleaning as she goes that could be talked through? Maybe I’m just being optimistic.

Jenée: I’m sure the girlfriend appreciates another “small tornado” cook sticking up for her here. I’m totally fine with the mess but it’s the refusal to even think about LW’s very reasonable solutions that’s getting me! I liked the compromises he suggested! He didn’t ask specifically, but if you had to tell him what to DO here, now that she’s turned down his proposals for compromise, what would you say?

Rachelle: Yeah, that’s fair, I did cringe a bit when miss ma’am just shot down what? Like three different solutions? It’s giving us tornado cooks a bad rep! Now, I’m somewhat petty so this maybe isn’t the most reasonable solution, but I do wonder if our LW couldn’t try, just once or twice, leaving as big of a mess as the girlfriend does so she can see how much work it requires. Is this the same solution the girlfriend proposed? Yes! But I don’t think she actually thinks the LW will do it and I think he should call her bluff.

Jenée: Oh wow, this is very creative! I kind of like it. I truly wonder what she would do.

Rachelle: Same! Because there’s no wake-up call quite like struggling to fit all your post-dinner dishes in the dishwasher.

Jenée: Except how annoying would it be if she just halfway cleaned up his mess and was totally unbothered.

Rachelle: That would in fact be deeply annoying and the point at which this is definitely an irreconcilable difference. Leaving half a mess is almost worse than just not cleaning at all. I do think tornado cooks can be reformed and I say this as a halfway reformed tornado cook. But it does come down to how willing the girlfriend is to change.

Slate Crossword: “Renaissance” Woman, to Fans (Three Letters)

Jenée: And I’m honestly thinking “how much” she’s willing to change is … not a lot. Unless LW hasn’t made clear what a big deal this is to him. You know, there’s a difference between “Hey, I was thinking we could change the dinner and cleanup plan” and “We need to talk. There’s something that’s really bothering me.” You know? Maybe I shouldn’t call it a red flag until I’m sure that she gets how unhappy this is making him.

Rachelle: I was also wondering how deeply he had impressed upon her that the current situation isn’t working for him. There are things I do that I know my roommate isn’t a huge fan of but they don’t rise to the level of, “We need to talk.” And then there are things I don’t do because I know how much it bothers her. There’s kind of a big difference between the two.

Jenée: Right. He should make sure he’s given her a chance to improve. I mean, I’d argue that most relationships have a tornado and a non-tornado. That’s fine. You just can’t be a tornado and also an asshole.

Classic Prudie

A dear friend of mine has a 1-year-old daughter and lives a state away from me. She and I communicate regularly via text message or on Snapchat. There are times when she will respond to my texts or snaps while she’s driving. I know this because she’ll take a picture of herself at the wheel, the road in front of her, the radio, or some other view that’s indicating that she’s in the driver’s seat. It’s always bothered me a little because I’m very against distracted driving, but now it angers me even more…