Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m the youngest sibling in my family. My siblings are really close with members of our extended family on both sides, despite everyone being pretty physically distant.

Meanwhile, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles cannot pick me out of a lineup. I’m not exaggerating!

When I was 27 (25 years ago), my aunt approached me at a family reunion, asked who I was, and initially didn’t believe me when I said I was her sister’s child. (“I forgot there was baby number five!”). That was the last time I saw the woman.

My parents paid for my siblings’ travel, and my siblings spent a lot of summers and holidays with different family members. When I came along, my parents didn’t want to spend the money anymore. They didn’t facilitate any relationships between me and my extended family, so I’ve met these family members literally once or twice.

Now that my parents are older, they’re invested in their kids being close to each other and to extended family. My mom expects me to be concerned or worried when we hear about a medical diagnosis or job loss. But she might as well be talking about my dentist or a random person on the subway. My mom gets annoyed when she mentions a family member and I respond, “I have no idea who you’re talking about. How are we related?”

Recently, my mom told me that a cousin was going to be in my area and asked me to show her around. I declined because I don’t know this woman and don’t want to awkwardly host a stranger all weekend. My mom snapped, “Would you stop saying stuff like that? She’s family! Of course you know each other!” But I didn’t recognize the name or the picture she texted me, and I can’t imagine this person wants to hang out with a stranger, either.

My parents don’t understand that the reason all my siblings are close with these family members is not because of DNA, but because they made it happen.

Is there a better response? I’m tired of having the same conversation.

—I (Really) Don’t Know Her

Dear I Don’t Know Her,

My Wife Woke Up One Morning to Find Our Baby’s Appearance Dramatically Altered. My Grandma Is to Blame. Help! My Wife Made a Scene at a Nice Restaurant. Then I Learned It Was Her Wicked Plan All Along. Help! My Husband’s Best Man Made a Stunning Admission During His Wedding Speech. I Might Never Get Over It. I Think Our Friends’ Beliefs Make No Sense. I Don’t Know How to Tell My Kids.

Have you ever tried telling your parents—especially your mom—that your siblings have closer intra-family relationships because your parents made it happen? It really feels like something they should already know, but if they don’t (or if they have that delightful selective amnesia parents sometimes get), I think it’s fine for you to gently remind them. Not to cast blame, just to point out a fact.

I agree that it’s not your fault you never got to know these people when you were a kid. That said, you are now in your 50s? You have been an adult for a long time. I’m not suggesting that you were wrong not to prioritize getting to know your extended family as an adult, especially after your parents chose not to prioritize it for you when you were younger—that’s a very understandable choice. But, at a certain point, it was a choice, at least partly. You have chosen to continue with the status quo, in which you don’t know your extended family—not even their names, or how you are connected to all of them.

—Nicole

Classic Prudie

My husband and I are expecting our first child in four months, and we’re really excited. The problem? My brother and his girlfriend are expecting their second baby two months after us, and we’re both really angry about it. I know I should be happy, but this particular brother has a history of constantly trying to one-up me and do things just because I’m doing them. I really think he planned this so that they could try to do a dual baby shower and cash in on our gifts.

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