Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

For the past week, I have been caring for my 73-year-old mother at her place during the day and into the evening after she injured herself in a fall (fortunately nothing broken), since my dad has mobility issues. The problem is how she ended up hurt in the first place.

My parents mostly have their groceries and other necessities delivered by Instacart, UPS, FedEx, etc., and my mother is convinced it is the height of rudeness to not be at the door to personally thank each and every delivery person (she wasn’t always like this). Last week, she was coming out of the bathroom when the doorbell rang. She bolted for the front door and ended up tripping and practically doing a faceplant.

Now that I am helping around the house, she expects me to do the same, regardless of where I happen to be or what I am doing. After crashing into a wall when I nearly tripped over my parents’ dog trying to get to the front door in time to thank the latest person who rang the bell, I explained to my mother that I was not going to risk injuring myself because she expects me to serve as the welcoming committee. She became incensed and told me I had “no sense of courtesy.” My suggestion of leaving a sign out with a message thanking all their delivery people was dismissed; my dad is no help here—his response was “just do what your mother says because it makes her happy.”

Each time my mother “catches” me not making a beeline for the door whenever the bell rings results in my getting berated. I am this close to telling her she’s on her own, but my fear is that she’ll really get hurt in a fall. She and my dad cannot afford a care home, which will mean them moving in with me, my husband, and my three kids. To say this would NOT go over well is putting it mildly. How can I get her to understand that the self-esteem of these delivery people will survive even if I am unable to personally lavish effusive praise on them?

—Won’t Risk Breaking My Neck

Dear Won’t Risk,

I was definitely going to suggest the sign, so too bad you’ve already tried that. What about a sign and a basket of snacks and drinks? Still no? I was also thinking of posting “Please do not ring the bell,” but that would probably create a conflict when you brought in the packages and your mom learned that she’d been rude all day long.

I can’t think of a great solution, and I think that’s because the real issue isn’t about thanking delivery people. I get the feeling that as your mom ages—and particularly since this injury has made her feel even more vulnerable—she may have some anxiety about a loss of control over the standards to which she holds herself, the way she presents herself to the world, and how she’s perceived. She may not be able to grocery shop on her own, or entertain people at her home, or move through the world looking and feeling the way she wants to, but she can fixate on this one piece of etiquette around thanking the FedEx guy, and ensure that it happens according to her standards.

So, an indirect way to address this issue might be to create some alternative opportunities for her to feel the way she wants to feel: On top of things, well-mannered, kind, and part of her community. Maybe she could donate to the fund for renovating the local high school and get a brick with her name on it in return, or offer a small scholarship to a kid from church, or give a box of her clothes to a women’s shelter, or make phone calls on behalf of someone running for local office. Or you could get her some nice stationary and she could write thank you notes to the doctors and nurses who treat her and your dad—and the people who’ve come to visit her since she’s been injured. I’m thinking of things that let her enjoy the sense that she’s a good person and that involve some acknowledgement of that, or an accompanying conversation. My hope is that this could scratch the itch that is currently being scratched by being the politest Instacart recipient ever.

Until then, can you get a doorbell camera with an intercom, or set her up on the front porch or near an open window so she can wait for deliveries and say “Thank you” to her heart’s content?

Dear Prudence,

My wife has always liked to talk, but in recent years, she has become a lot wordier and loopier. Whenever we’re together, she will launch into a long and complicated tale with many twists and divergences that rambles on for hours and hours. These epic monologues usually involve a cast of similarly named people that I neither know nor care about, multiple sub-plots, a sea of arcane regulations (don’t ask), and a great deal of repetition. Nothing can stop her, not desperate pleas nor obvious indifference or even clear discomfort. I love her very much, but her obliviousness is painful. Is this just an inevitable consequence of aging? Or perhaps a symptom of menopause or old man grumpiness on my part? Whatever it may be, I can feel the faint scratchings of contempt, which my father warned me was the death of a relationship. How do I save us? How do I stop the endless flow of words and poorly constructed ideas?

—Seeking Quiet

Dear Seeking Quiet,

You say she’s changed in recent years and ask if her disorganized storytelling might be a consequence of aging, so maybe you should suggest that you both ask your doctors for baseline cognitive screenings. That might be a way to start a conversation about—and loop a professional in on—whether the shift you’ve noticed is normal or the beginning of something more.

In the meantime, or if it turns out everything is fine, I can think of a few things that might help. None of them will solve the problem of your wife being a chatterbox completely, but combining a handful of them could give you some space from nonstop epic monologues and take the contempt you’re feeling down a notch:

Plan activities that involve something other than open space for endless talking: Go to the movies. Play tennis. Join a chorus. Choose a podcast to listen to and have it playing while you’re hanging out at home.  Talk more. You can’t both tell a story at the same time! And maybe she’s just trying to fill the silence. Is there anything you want her to know? What do you like to talk about? Be honest and tell her you need a break from conversation. Explain this lovingly and even blame it on your age or a made-up headache. Or just tell her that you love her but you’re noticing you require more quiet time than you used to.  Make time to do things by yourself. Anything that gets you out of the house or requires headphones. Or take a nap! Just something to make sure you’ll have built-in breaks. Invite people over to share the conversational burden. Encourage her to write—a blog, a book, social media posts, a journal. Because she has so many interesting stories (wink) and she should share them with the world! When she gets going, ask her—again, lovingly, and with a sense of humor if that fits your relationship dynamic—if you can please have the Cliffs Notes version.

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Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have twin 2-1/2-year-old girls. Nine months ago, my husband came home and announced that his mother would be coming to live with us. I was hurt and angry that this wasn’t discussed with me, but that’s another issue. My husband’s stepfather had made a bad business investment and had borrowed money against their house, and they are now nearing retirement and in debt. The plan was for them to rent out their house for a year and for the stepfather to take a remote job that pays a lot, including his accommodation/living expenses, so they could get back on their feet.

Here’s the thing: His mother does everything around our house. Cleaning, washing, cooking, gardening. She gets the girls ready for daycare. On the days that the girls don’t have daycare, she takes them to the park or on outings. She has made friends with other grandmothers and the girls have playdates. Before she arrived, I was exhausted from working (from home) and looking after the house and kids. (My husband has never helped with house chores or childcare.) Because my job’s pay is performance-based, I am making nearly triple what I was. I have lost all the baby weight because she makes healthy meals, and I have time to work out. I have time to go out with my friends and can relax knowing she is looking after them. My mother-in-law has hinted that she would love to stay with us. I want her to stay with us!!! I don’t want her to go. My husband thinks very highly of his stepfather and credits him for saving his mother from single parenthood and for him having a good childhood. So … is it OK for me to offer her to stay with us without running it by him?

—Please Don’t Leave Us

Dear Don’t Leave,

It would be fair for you to do the same thing your husband did, making an offer to your mother-in-law on your own, without consulting anyone. But the fair thing isn’t always the thing that will be good for your relationship or ultimately make you happy. I’m worried about the worst-case scenario: Imagine you invite her to live with you indefinitely and she accepts, but your husband gets mad or ends up being super annoyed by having her there long term (after all, even if she’s helpful, they may have their own issues that make her presence tougher to handle for him than you), and things spiral out of control and you end up divorced. Now you have your busy job, and your twins living with you at least half the time, and all the cooking and cleaning, and zero help. That’s the opposite of what you want.

So, you should address how wrong it was for him to go behind your back, while modeling better behavior: honesty about the fact that having his mom live with you ended up working out really well for you, and a request to try to make the arrangement permanent.

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I hope she can stay forever—or at least agree to return for large chunks of the year—because it sounds like it’s great for everyone when she’s there. But if she can’t, you’ve still learned something about how much better you feel when you have extra help. This isn’t rocket science, of course; everyone’s parenting would be made better by having three adults for every two children! But maybe you can take a look at your household without her and try to think creatively about how to at least partially replicate what it was like when she was there.

You say your husband never really contributed before to things like cleaning, cooking, and daycare pickup and play date coordination, but is there any room for him to take over some of that now? If not, I see a huge opportunity in the fact that you’re making three times more money now that you have more free time. You’d have to crunch the numbers, scrutinize your own calendar, and think about how much, if any, time with your kids you’d like to take back to decide what makes sense for you, but it feels like there’s a possibility that you could hire a nanny or housekeeper (or both!) with some of that extra income.

Of course, help from a grandparent is priceless and nothing replaces support that doesn’t cost anything (in terms of money or the emotional toll that might accompany your children being with someone who isn’t a loved one). But I’m confident that even if your mother-in-law moves back in with her husband, you don’t have to go back to struggling like you were before she arrived.

Classic Prudie

We have close friends who have us to their home for dinner almost every week. (The wife doesn’t want to go out or come to our house.) When we’re there, however, she spends a large part of the evening on the phone or on the computer. Her husband says she actually spends less time on either because we’re there. Should we be honored or insulted?

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