Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been with my wife, “Madison,” for seven years, married for four, and for the entirety of the time I have known her, she has always sought the approval of her older sister “Crystal.” Crystal is keenly aware of this and takes full advantage of it. Madison is always willing to drop everything when her sister needs something, be that watching her kids at a moment’s notice so she can have a night out, letting her borrow clothes, or taking time away from things we like to do or her own activities so she can help Crystal grade papers (Crystal is a teacher). Crystal, however, never reciprocates.

The last straw for me was when my SIL decided on a whim that she wanted to go to a movie with her friends and called—on our anniversary!—asking if she could “pretty please” drop off her kids with us for the night because the movie was going to get out late. This was less than half an hour before my wife and I were to leave for dinner at a restaurant where we had to make a reservation nearly six months in advance. The babysitter we’d hired to watch our 10-month-old had already arrived. Madison started to agree, but I grabbed the phone and told Crystal our plans (which she was well aware of), said that she was out of luck, and hung up. Madison was upset and it cast a pall over the entire evening.

The next day she said she had spoken to her sister, and Crystal was demanding an apology from me. I refused and finally told my wife what I thought of her sister. I asked her why she keeps allowing herself and us to be used by her. Now she is pissed at ME! What can I do to get her to see what a self-serving bitch her sister is?

—Take Off the Blinders

Dear Take Off,

I totally get why you’re frustrated with your sister-in-law’s thoughtless and entitled behavior. And unless you actually called her a self-serving bitch on the phone, I don’t think you owe her an apology. But it sounds like you then turned around and took a lot of your frustration out on your wife. Instead of focusing on Crystal’s actions, you turned this into a fight between you and Madison.

Of course, Madison bears some responsibility for the dynamic. But did you really think that attacking her for “allowing herself to be used” was going to convince her to listen to you? You can’t force your wife to feel as you do or stop loving her sister. And there is also no way (at least, no ethical way) for you to control who she keeps in her life or how she behaves with Crystal.

If I were you, I’d stop blaming Madison for “allowing” this to happen. Try to speak calmly and civilly to her about it—you could start by asking her what she wants, or feels she might deserve, from her relationship with her sister. If you’ve never been honest with her about how Crystal’s demands have affected you as well, it is probably important for Madison to know that—but without turning it into a lecture or an attack. It can be very hard to change lifelong patterns of communication and behavior. If you really want something to change, I think the first step is trying to actually understand where your wife is coming from and what she wants from this relationship.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband has a brother and a sister. His sister lives in our city, and his brother and parents live in different states. We were friendly with his sister during the early years of our marriage, but then she ditched our friend group and moved on to a new group. After that, we only saw her when my parents-in-law came to town or for the occasional holiday. When we had kids, I initially tried to include her in things, but she only showed up when her parents were visiting. I never expected her to be a babysitter, but I did think she would be an interested aunt. She wasn’t—the only time she acted interested was when her parents were there. Then she would announce all the things she was planning to do with her nieces. These things never happened. I quit inviting her to do anything, so we only saw her during the parental visits.

My husband loves his family, but doesn’t make much of an effort to keep in contact with any of them. I talk to my parents and sisters regularly, even though we all live in different states. For a while, I made an effort to call my mother-in-law and keep her up-to-date with the goings-on of our family. But she would always bring the conversation around to SIL and insist that I give her a call. Did SIL tell you about her new job? You need to call her and ask about it. Is SIL coming over for Easter? You need to call her and invite her. Have you seen the new sofa that SIL bought? You need to go over and see it. One time, we had plans to go to a basketball game with my husband’s parents, so I booked a sitter. MIL told me that SIL had offered to babysit during the game—the only time she ever offered to babysit. I said it was a nice offer, but I already had a sitter lined up. She told me I needed to call SIL and let her know. (Why? SIL didn’t offer babysitting services to me, she offered it to my MIL!)

I hit the point where I have stopped calling my MIL. I have no idea why she keeps pushing this contact. I’m not calling my SIL—I don’t like her, and she’s not even my sister! But I feel guilty about my MIL. She has been nice enough to me, even though SIL is the golden child and so there’s always a shadow of “everything about SIL is better than you” hovering about. My kids are her only grandchildren, and my husband rarely reaches out to her (to be fair, she and my FIL rarely reach out to him, either). In my world, you keep in touch with your own family! Is it OK that I have given up on his?

—Not My Job! Or Is It?

Dear Not My Job,

I would understand if you felt disappointed or annoyed or even a bit resentful, given that you once thought your sister-in-law would be a good and reasonably involved aunt to your kids. It’s natural to want your children to have close, loving relationships with their relatives, and of course, you’d also kind of expect it given that you’re close with your own family. But, to give your SIL just a little benefit of the doubt, I think sometimes it’s hard to know exactly how to step into such a role, particularly in a family that doesn’t communicate well or maintain close ties. Also, not everyone is good with children—a person won’t necessarily excel at (or even be interested in) being an involved aunt or uncle just because one of their siblings has decided to procreate.

The foundational problem, I think, is that your husband has abdicated what was his primary responsibility to communicate and deal with his family, and they have all gone along with it. Notice that your mother-in-law expects nothing of him—instead, she expects you to maintain and nurture a relationship with her and with his sister. This is an impossible assignment, given your sister-in-law’s apparent disinterest (though of course, there’s a slim chance she is interested and is just very bad at showing it…), and it also just shouldn’t fall to you alone. It would be one thing if for some reason you wanted to be the linchpin of this somewhat dysfunctional family, but you don’t. I think it’s OK to let them all figure out how to talk and deal with each other (or not).

While I don’t think you need to feel guilty for not doing all the work to communicate with your mother-in-law, you do still get to decide whether you actually want to talk or have a relationship with her. If you miss her, you’ve got options here besides just ghosting. You could choose to reach out and let her know that while you care about and appreciate her, you don’t want to discuss your (nonexistent) relationship with her daughter anymore. She might respect that boundary, she might not, but—again, only if you actually want to—you can give it a try.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Jake,” and I have a daughter, 6, and a son, 8. The kids have been begging for a dog or cat for nearly the past three years, and within the last year, my husband has joined the chorus, while I have been staunchly against it. I don’t hate animals by any means; growing up I had three cats and a dog and loved them more than anything. My resistance comes from the fact that our family’s economic situation is an uncertain one. I ended up losing my job with the federal government thanks to the purges carried out by Elon Musk’s minions and was lucky to find a job in the private sector for 75 percent less than my previous salary. Jake works as an adjunct professor at our local community college, so his position is far from secure.

Owning a cat or dog requires having the means to provide and care for it. I would rather my kids be on the disappointed side over not having a cat or dog than for us to get them one, have them become attached to it, and then be devastated when we have no choice but to give it up because we can’t afford to keep it. Jake thinks we’ll be able to manage. He didn’t grow up with pets and doesn’t grasp that in addition to the costs of basic care, veterinary emergencies (often costing hundreds or thousands of dollars) are almost a guarantee of owning an animal. I don’t want to be forced into choosing between the pet or our mortgage and have to explain to the kids that Fluffy or Fido has to be put down because we can’t afford to save them. I’ll take being thought of as cold-hearted by my kids and have them thank me for taking the long view of things when they’re older. This is a rational approach, isn’t it?

—”The Mean One,” According to the Kids

Dear “The Mean One,”

I Begged My Boyfriend to Tell Me What He Wants to Try in Bed. Oh God, Anything But This. Help! My “Wonderful” Mother Is Dead, but No One Knows the Truth About Her. My Colleague Is a Super Fan of a Very Controversial Franchise. And She’s Forcing It on Us All. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only My Sister Took My Daughter to the Mall. My Wife Is Livid at the Condition She Returned Her In.

I guess I don’t really view this in terms of rational or irrational, partly because I grew up in a family with no money that always had dogs and cats, and we managed to take good care of them even in leaner times—as many less well-off families do. But of course, you’re right that pets are an added expense—depending on where you live, vet bills for even basic checkups can get quite steep—and emergencies do happen. (Pet insurance can also be a good option for mitigating unexpected vet bills, but of course is also an additional cost you probably don’t want to take on right now.) Much like having kids, it’s always cheaper—and a totally fine decision—not to have any. You shouldn’t feel at all guilty if that’s your choice. (Though I think it’s a bit far-fetched to expect your kids to thank you for it later?)

Since you do seem to need to hear it from someone else: Yes, you have a perfectly valid reason for not wanting a pet right now. Even more important than your financial situation, I think, is that you and your spouse just aren’t on the same page about this. It’d be fine if one of you were more into the idea than the other one, but I don’t think it’s great to get a cat or (let’s face it) even more high-maintenance dog over one person’s very strong objections. Your kids still have plenty of time to experience having a pet—perhaps with you, if things change down the line, or when they are adults and can make that choice themselves.

—Nicole

More Advice From Slate

My husband and I have been together for seven years and want very much to have children. We have learned that it is difficult for me to conceive, and for some time now we have been undergoing fertility treatment. I did become pregnant more than once, but each pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 8-14 weeks. Now my doctor has decided we are good candidates for IVF, so we start our first round in a month. For some time, my mother has been buying baby toys and clothes, saying she’s storing up for her future grandbaby (my only other sibling has made it clear they do not want children). She’s constantly sending me photos of these items, especially after a miscarriage, to try to “boost my spirits.” 

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