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Dear Care and Feeding, 

My husband and I live in the same area as my husband’s sister. When I became pregnant, my sister-in-law (who is a nurse) asked who I had chosen as my doctor. I shared the name, and she simply replied, “Oh.” That worried my husband, who asked why she responded like that. She was a bit evasive and just said she’d “heard some things” from friends who had worked with/for that office and didn’t think overall she was the greatest provider. I ended up switching to an office she recommended.

To make a long, emotional story short, throughout the pregnancy there were small warning signs that I asked about that my doctor always confidently explained away. I ended up delivering my baby at 27 weeks due to an emergent medical condition; all the concerns I had voiced throughout the pregnancy were verified as warning signs of the conditions that my baby and I ended up having. My baby spent four months in the NICU after birth. While it probably couldn’t have been avoided entirely, our medical team (which ended up including the doctor I had originally chosen) was fairly confident that some simple interventions and more aggressive monitoring could’ve helped manage and push off the onset of the issue until later in my pregnancy, allowing my baby more time before birth.

While I don’t blame my SIL for how things went in my pregnancy, I do find myself with some complicated feelings toward her because, without her unsolicited input, I wouldn’t have been with that doctor. I hate that I listened to her and didn’t stick with the doctor I had decided on after research. I beat myself up about the possibilities. Maybe a different doctor would’ve listened to my questions more, maybe a different one would’ve been concerned by the early indicators and taken steps, and maybe my child wouldn’t have the long-lasting health effects she now has. I went to therapy for a year and it helped a lot. My therapist reinforced that having a negative connection in my head between my SIL and my pregnancy makes sense given the situation. She said I am handling it and working through it well and appropriately, but it will take a lot of time.

Well, my SIL is now pregnant and has decided that I am a great person to bring her every pregnancy-related question to, as well as asking me to accompany her to appointments that her husband can’t attend. I can’t do it. I certainly don’t wish her or her baby anything but an easy pregnancy and happy, healthy outcome, but I have no desire to be involved in her pregnancy. I don’t want to hold her hand while she gets ultrasounds done. I don’t want to discuss her pregnancy symptoms and whether I had them or not, I don’t want to help her plan her birth experience. However, my (polite!) attempts to not be more involved are being taken very personally. She’s commenting on it to me and our other family members, who are then calling, texting, and emailing me, emphasizing how she really needs support right now and I’m in an ideal place to provide it. My mother-in-law specifically called sobbing about how much it hurts her that she can’t be there in person for her daughter and how much it would mean to her to know I was there alongside her.

I know my difficult feelings related to pregnancy and my SIL are entirely my responsibility to manage. My husband knows about it, but I will not tell the rest of his family, and certainly not his sister. How do I get out of this and stop the hounding/guilting?

—Not Your Birthing Partner

Dear Not Your Partner, 

I’m so sorry for your traumatic birth experience, and I’m happy to hear that therapy has helped you cope in its aftermath. I hope you are proud of yourself for accessing the help you need. I agree that it doesn’t do anyone any good for you to go into the specifics of your struggle not to associate your sister-in-law with your birth experience. However, the family is aware of your baby’s premature birth and, presumably, at least some of the ongoing health complications. So you need to be firmer and clearer about that and own the fact that you are still dealing with your own trauma. Thus, you can’t help your SIL the way she wants. Your script might go something like this:

I Left My 2-Year-Old Alone With My Husband for 15 Minutes. The Aftermath Might Haunt My Marriage Forever. Help! My Mother Has Some Strange Ideas About Underwear That Are Causing a Major Mess in My House. This Has to Stop. Help! I Found the Handkerchief My Mother-in-Law Was Using for a Really Offensive Test. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only When My Son Came Back From Easter at His Dad’s, He Was Counting a Stack of Money. I’m Stunned by How My Ex Let Him Earn It.

“I am so happy for [SIL] and can’t wait to meet her baby. That said, I am still processing the physical and emotional trauma that resulted from [my baby’s] birth, even after all this time. I don’t talk about it a lot, but it is still something that weighs on me heavily. I spent a year seeing a therapist, and although things have gotten better, I still feel vulnerable about it all. So while I, again, am happy for [SIL], it is impossible for me to show up for her the way she wants me to. This isn’t something I want to talk about any further, so I’m asking that you trust me that this decision is what is best for me and my health, my baby, and even my sister-in-law.”

Even better, your husband should deliver this message on your behalf to the family. And if anyone tries to either give you a hard time or grill you for grizzly details, immediately end the conversation. It’s understandable that your sister wants a support net, but I hope she respects that you cannot be the one to provide it. Good luck!

—Allison

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