Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence, 

I lost my daughter three years ago. My granddaughter was only 3. Now her father is remarrying—to my daughter’s best friend.

It should be a blessing. They all grew up together. My daughter has her fingerprints all over their new home (she collected mugs from every place she visited, and they continue the tradition and have a custom-made shelf). Her pictures are there. They tell stories about her.

But they are planning to get married, and I can’t stand it. It is like I am losing my daughter all over again, and her friend basically stole her life. I know this is irrational, but I find myself struggling to keep my temper when I am around them and the topic of the wedding comes up. I know they will invite me, but I don’t think I will be able to stand it. My granddaughter is loved and adored by them both, and I know this is the best possible stepmother she could get, but it is ripping my soul into pieces when I hear her call someone other than my daughter “mom.” What should I do? I am in grief counseling and it hasn’t helped.

—Grieving

Dear Grieving,

If you simply can’t get over this, no one would fault you. To see someone step into the role of the daughter you lost—even if she’s wonderful, and respectful, and a great mom to your granddaughter—it’s just really hard, and something no mom should have to experience. I think even your daughter’s friend would understand this. So the way forward is extreme honesty.

You need to speak to her about your rational thoughts about how this is the best possible outcome for your granddaughter, the intense, painful feelings that exist alongside these thoughts, and what you want to happen. This last part is key because it will let the couple know what they can expect from you, what they can do to make this easiest on you, and how things might change over time.

It would make sense for you to say, “I am so happy for the two of you, I know this is what Madison would have wanted, and I appreciate how respectful you are of her memory. It’s really a beautiful love story. Those are my rational thoughts. But as her mom, I’m so deep in mourning that I also find myself in a lot of pain seeing someone else in the life I thought she would live for many more years. I’m working through my feelings, but right now, I don’t think I’m on solid enough ground to attend the wedding. I’m going to skip it, but I would be happy to babysit during any part of the wedding day or night if that’s helpful to you. Please know that I still support you, and as I heal, I plan to be more present for all three of you.”

Send a gift, rest assured that your relationship with them is intact, and go back to taking all the time you need with your own grief.

Dear Prudence, 

My neighbor’s wife is having an affair. I know this because last weekend, I was next to the fence that separates our backyard weeding, and she was sitting at her patio table talking to her significant other on her phone about various sex acts they had engaged in the last time they were together. We were less than 10 feet apart (she didn’t realize I was there), and no, it wasn’t her husband she was on the phone with because at one point I heard her say, “There’s no way ‘Jeffrey’ knows about us.” Jeffrey and my husband are pretty good friends. Should I say something to him, or is his wife’s infidelity none of my business?

—The Walls (and Fences) Have Ears

Dear the Walls,

Sit this one out. It’s none of your business, but beyond that, you don’t have any proof, and your neighbor may not believe you. Most importantly, his wife is absolutely horrible at keeping a secret and is going to get caught without your help soon enough.

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Dear Prudence, 

In the recent political climate, it has gotten very tricky navigating space with long-standing friends that I have recently found out are in a very different camp, particularly where the war in Gaza is concerned. While I am Jewish culturally, I am very upset about the plight of the Palestinians and do not align with any of Benjamin Netanyahu’s politics. But I am also very concerned about the unbridled antisemitism. Friends of mine who align with Netanyahu have called me an antisemitic jew for not agreeing with Israel’s response to October 7. I am deeply offended by my good friends’ accusations. I have tried to avoid discussing this and other political issues when I am with them, but it is increasingly challenging to dismiss what they have said about me. I have declined several invitations to get together. Is this friendship salvageable? If so, any suggestions about how to handle this very fraught situation?

—Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt and Confused,

Help! My Daughter’s Widower Is About to Remarry. I Can’t Believe Who He Chose. My Neighbor’s Kids Are “Homeschooled.” Uh, I’m Not So Sure That’s Even True. Help! My Fiancé Took a DNA Test. Now I’m Considering Calling Off the Wedding. The Day Care Next Door Treats My Driveway Like a Drop-Off Zone. I’m Done Being Understanding.

I apologize to regular readers who are sick of hearing this, but I’m going to give you a version of a response I’ve written about six hundred times: If someone is being unkind to you (specifically, by saying terrible things about you to your face) and you’re feeling like the situation is tricky, fraught, and confusing because the subject matter that inspired them to be unkind to you is “politics,” you’re making things too complicated. How would you respond if the subject matter of the insult was something else? For example, what if someone told you you were a terrible person because of the way you dressed, the food you ate, or the music you liked? You would say to yourself, “Wow, this person is an asshole to me, doesn’t respect me or care about my feelings, doesn’t think much of me, and is clearly not my friend.” You wouldn’t remain close to them while avoiding the topic of their attack. You wouldn’t try to “dismiss” what they said. And you definitely wouldn’t be asking for ways to remedy the friendship.

You should have the same perspective when it comes to the people who have made these allegations about you. There is nothing to remedy here. For what it’s worth, I would give the same advice to your “friends.” If you believe someone is an “antisemitic jew,” and have so little care for their feelings that you’ve told them in no uncertain terms how awful they are, you can’t possibly still want to hang out with them.

Friendship takes work, yes. But no work and no amount of attention to the relationship will ever be enough if you don’t fundamentally like each other and aren’t inclined to be kind to one another. That’s what’s missing here. If your “friends” ask why you’ve been dodging them, you can say, “You’ve been really unkind to me, and I’m choosing to spend my time with other people.” Then go find those people. I promise, all relationships are more enjoyable when you’re not tiptoeing around the fact that the other person thinks you’re trash.

Classic Prudie

I have been married to my husband for about 10 years and together for 15. We sort of have a great marriage, but only “on paper” and “when things are working.” I am most likely the problem. My business was decimated during COVID, so I took a full-time job. But I still have my (entrepreneurial) business and it has also returned to full-time. My husband doesn’t want me to give up my full-time stable paycheck—I get that. He also makes at least quadruple what I do. Part of the issue is that he controls our finances…

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