Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I recently organized my sister-in-law’s baby shower this past weekend with my mother-in-law and another sister-in-law from the other side of the family. Three weeks before the shower, I found out I was pregnant. It was an absolute shock as my husband had a vasectomy four years ago, just before the birth of our youngest, and he had done the follow-up testing showing it was effective. We found that we were really excited about another baby, despite also having been very happy with our two current kids.

Three days before the shower, I miscarried. My husband and I decided we didn’t want to tell anyone about the pregnancy or miscarriage so I let my MIL and the other shower host know that I was sick and would unfortunately be unable to be at the shower, but had taken care of all the things I needed to and my husband would help with set-up and clean-up in my absence. I apologized to my SIL for not being able to be there and also told her I was sick. My MIL followed up with me separately and expressed that maybe I would feel better by the shower and would still be able to make it. I said I was planning on staying home to be sure, and she sent back, “But you never know for sure!”

The day of the shower, my MIL called and texted repeatedly, emphasizing that there was still plenty of time to make it and suggested I could just wear a mask. During set-up, she apparently hounded my husband, questioning how sick I was and what kind of illness. My husband was vague with responses, but she didn’t let up. Finally, she told him that it was incredibly rude of me to not be there for my SIL, and it seemed like I was just making up an excuse to be absent. She speculated that maybe I was jealous that now we wouldn’t have the only babies in the family, and I wasn’t looking forward to sharing the attention. My husband pulled his mother aside somewhere private and angrily told her that I had a miscarriage three days ago, and the thought of being around other people, and in particular a pregnant one, was too difficult for me right now, and that she needed to stop harassing him and me. She said she didn’t know, and he responded that we hadn’t wanted anyone to know, but she apparently wasn’t going to leave us alone without an answer, so there it was. He asked if anything else was needed and told her to text him at the end of the event so he would know to come back and help with clean-up.

Over the next couple of hours, however, he and I both started getting texts from his family members expressing their sympathy for us, asking if we needed anything, saying they completely understood why I wasn’t present, etc. My SIL called me crying, asking how we could possibly think her shower was the right place to share the information about our miscarriage. I told her we absolutely hadn’t and asked what had happened. Apparently, my MIL, when welcoming everyone to the shower, thanked me for how much prep work I had done and announced that I, unfortunately, would be “quite understandably missing the shower due to a very recent pregnancy loss.” We were shocked she would think that was OK. When she texted my husband later to let him know the shower was over, he responded that he was sure they could take care of everything and he wouldn’t be coming to help clean up. She called and he refused to answer, instead texting her that we wouldn’t be speaking to her until we were ready to, after her egregious breach of our privacy.

Since then, she has been calling and texting both of us nonstop and has tried to come over multiple times. Messages she has left for us indicate that she “doesn’t understand what (she) did wrong” when she was “just letting our loved ones know we could use their support.” We are both too hurt to interact with her right now, especially since she clearly doesn’t feel bad about it. We wanted privacy, and she decided otherwise for us, which I am not OK with. Is there an effective way to communicate this to her so she will actually hear it?

—Not Her News To Share

Dear Not Her News,

I’m so sorry for your loss and this debacle that you, your husband, and your sister-in-law find yourselves in. I don’t know your mother-in-law, but judging by this letter and how she conducted herself both before and after your husband shared the news, I’m not confident that you’ll be able to convince her that she did anything wrong. Your best shot might be to try to diffuse the tension by validating her intent (however irksome that is) while letting her know what she did was not OK—something like, “I understand you thought you were being helpful by explaining my absence and trying to garner family support, but that was exactly what we didn’t want. Next time, can you please check with us before you share personal information?” I also really like the phrase “intent versus impact” for explaining why someone’s motives don’t necessarily absolve one of wrongdoing. If she doubles down on how the family needed to know so they could support you, reiterate that this isn’t about whether people knew; it was about her sharing information that wasn’t hers to divulge.

My Colleague Is a Super Fan of a Very Controversial Franchise. And She’s Forcing It on Us All. I Begged My Boyfriend to Tell Me What He Wants to Try in Bed. Oh God, Anything But This. I Just Saved My Wife From Her Wildly Entitled Sister. But Now She’s Angry at Me! This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only I Was OK Subsidizing My Cheap Friend. But Then He Dropped a Bomb on Me.

I don’t think you should even get into the question of whether your MIL (let alone the rest of the family) had a right to know about your miscarriage. Her values when it comes to being “in the know” are clearly different from yours, and if you try to talk about that, I fear you’ll get stuck in an endless debate no one can win. From her actions, she plainly feels entitled to know what is going on with you both—the fact that the illness was something as serious as a pregnancy loss might, in her mind, justify her nosiness. Instead, come up with a strategy for future information you want to keep private. This might include anything from naming a specific fake illness next time (rather than a vague condition) to making a blanket statement like, “We’re keeping this private; if it’s serious, we’ll be sure you know about it.”

Meanwhile, try to make sure you’re back on good terms with the SIL. Whether you make overtures to her or leave it to the siblings to handle amongst themselves, I think it’s important to ensure you’re keeping the peace among your generation. You might need allies for any future family drama that comes up. Good luck!

—Allison

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