Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I own a two-bedroom house. My sister and her 6-year-old are currently in a shelter after a violent incident with her latest ex. I would take them both in a heartbeat—if it wasn’t for her 20- and 18-year-old daughters. My nieces have a serious history of drug use, theft, and violence. They have stolen money from nearly everyone in the family and got their stepfather falsely arrested for possession (they told the cops he was the one who gave them the drugs). My sister did nothing but make excuse after excuse for them. She wouldn’t even take their phones away because she was afraid they would run away if they didn’t have access to TikTok. It cost her her marriage, her job, and any stability left for her youngest. I know the minute I open my door to my sister she will invite the chaos of her daughters back in. The last time one of my nieces took the backup key and nearly wrecked my car going for a joy ride. She was only 14 and my sister just twiddled her thumbs. I love my sister, but as much as she begs and makes promises, I can’t believe her. What do I do here?

—Open Door

Dear Open Door

This advice is an answer, but not a solution. What I mean is that I can tell you what I think you should do, but I can’t promise a plan that will make you feel good, preserve family relationships, or protect the innocent kid. Some situations are just tough and sad, and some don’t have happy endings, even if you make all the best choices. Often, I skip those letters. But I thought I’d answer yours and see if I could get you an inch closer to being at peace with what you have to do to protect yourself.

The answer, obviously, is: Don’ t let your sister move in. You already know this, I think. You would be setting yourself up for interpersonal conflict, destruction of your property, and potentially a “Roommate from Hell” situation in which you couldn’t legally force her out of your house (not to mention, you’d feel awful about evicting a 6-year-old). You’re already all too familiar with her patterns and with the personalities involved. It would be a nightmare.

She’s not going to like this. She might even cut off communication with you. But let’s think about what you might do to give her at least some of the support that any of us would want and deserve after leaving an abusive relationship:

·       Since she’s probably overwhelmed and simply surviving day to day in the shelter, you could offer to do the research for her on any local resources for transitional or permanent housing. You will likely reach a lot of voicemails and be directed to long waiting lists, but as a domestic violence victim with a young child, I’m hopeful that she has a decent chance of finding support. Even if she doesn’t, you will have saved her the stress of making all the calls.

·        You can decide to offer help that falls short of establishing tenancy for her in your home. For example, you could tell her that she and her daughter are always welcome to come over for a meal, or to use your shower or washer and dryer or WIFI.

·        Set up a monthly, or even weekly, sleepover with your niece. Offer to let her stay with you during school breaks to give your sister some relief and some free time to work on rebuilding her life.

·        It sounds like you have extra space in your home. While it won’t work for your sister to live there, you might use it to help her in another way. If you really wanted to go above and beyond, you could rent a room to a (fully vetted) roommate, and put the extra cash in an account to save and give to her to eventually pay first and last month’s rent on her own place—or replace whatever she lost when she moved out, or fight a custody battle with her abusive ex, or whatever.

Finally, you should be prepared for the possibility that she will return to him and that instead of doing all these things, you’ll have to worry about her safety and wellbeing. What she’ll need most at that point will be regular contact with people who love her and care about her, so she doesn’t become isolated. Do everything you can to fill that role, which will require keeping all of your critiques of her older daughters and her poor parenting choices completely to yourself.

Dear Prudence,

Can you offer me some polite and considerate boundary statements to use when declining an offer to stay at someone’s home or share a rental property? Especially when I have stayed at their home and shared a vacation rental many times in the past? In this particular case, it is generally just assumed I will stay with this friend or rent with them, so I often don’t even have an opportunity to decline an offer; I would have to simply state that I will be staying elsewhere. I am no longer comfortable with staying with/sharing a rental space with a friend who is very dear to me, but is too sensitive to hear the reasoning behind it.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve discovered some preferences concerning my living space as well as how I treat rental properties, and am simply more relaxed when I can provide myself with these preferences. I’d like to handle issues like this with as much kindness (yet firmness) as I can. I’m especially concerned about follow-up questioning as to the reasons behind this change in my pattern of staying with/renting with the person, but am at a loss for what phrases to use to maintain my boundaries. I’m in the process of unlearning a life-long codependent/people-pleasing personality; it’s slow-going and extremely anxiety-producing for me, but this is an example of where I know I need to make a change and am ready to try.

—Daunted Invertebrate Respects Tactful Nay

Dear Tactful Nay,

The way you wrote this was so delicate and tactful, I just know you were covering up some truly outrageous and/or filthy behavior on your friend’s part. I’m dying to know what’s happened in the past. Do they let their dog poop everywhere and not clean it up? Refuse to wear deodorant, work up a huge sweat using the furniture as exercise equipment, and then lie naked and stinky on the throw pillows? Something worse?

Whatever it is, I respect that you don’t want to hurt their feelings by calling the behavior out as unacceptable. Even though it clearly is. So this is a definite “It’s not you, it’s me” occasion. And you can actually say something similar to what you wrote in your letter: “In my old age, I’ve just become a person who is too fussy and set in my ways to share space with anyone and I really like my alone time at the beginning and end of the day.” Throw in a reference to your astrological sign, or the TikTok you recently watched about “Five Signs That You’re a Highly Sensitive Person.” Even better: Mention this now, before there’s an invitation to cohabitate on the table. In your next catch-up conversation with this friend, say something like, “An old high school classmate has invited me to stay with her. and I’m going to have to decline and get my own hotel room. She’s wonderful and keeps a beautiful home, but wanting my own space is just a thing that’s suddenly become super important to me.” Then when you bring it up again, as you two are making plans to spend time together, it won’t feel so personal.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m reaching out because I’m in a tricky situation involving two people I’ve mentored within feminist circles. For context, I’ve been actively involved in feminist organizing for years and have always emphasized the importance of both holding strong to our principles and maintaining empathy and compassion, even when conflicts arise. But a recent situation has left me unsure of how to respond without causing more harm.

One of my mentees, “Jill,” is a passionate feminist and a strong advocate for women’s rights. However, I recently read an exchange between her and a male feminist, “Jack,” that has me deeply concerned. Jack had expressed some genuine frustration and hurt over feeling dismissed within feminist spaces, and while I completely understand the need to challenge male entitlement and call out problematic behavior, Jill’s response was shockingly harsh and demeaning. Instead of engaging thoughtfully or even setting firm boundaries, she doubled down with a barrage of bitter, mocking, and frankly cruel comments that seemed more about humiliating him than addressing the issue.

It’s clear to me that Jill is coming from a place of genuine frustration with performative allies—something many of us have experienced. But the way she handled it was toxic and counterproductive, not just for her relationship with Jack, but for the feminist cause overall. Jack’s final response was one of hurt and disillusionment, and he ended up renouncing feminism entirely, calling it “evil.” As much as I disagree with Jack’s overreaction, I can’t help but feel that Jill’s hostility played a significant role in pushing him away.

Now, I’m left wondering how to approach Jill about this. I believe it’s important to call her in and gently confront how her approach is harmful, not just to those she targets but also to the movement. We’re all angry, and rightly so, but if we’re using that anger to tear people down rather than build them up, we’re undermining our own values.

At the same time, I worry that Jill won’t take this feedback well. She’s fiercely defensive of her stance, and any criticism, especially from someone she respects, could make her double down even harder. I don’t want to alienate her or make her feel policed, but I also can’t stand by and watch this kind of behavior go unchecked. If left unaddressed, this kind of approach could drive away others who are trying to learn and grow—even those who are genuinely trying to be better allies.

So, my question is: How do I have this conversation with Jill in a way that might actually reach her without coming across as dismissive of her feelings or experiences? Is there a way to guide her toward a more constructive approach without invalidating her justifiable anger?

—Frustrated Feminist

Dear Frustrated,

I actually think Jill might be on to something. All I know about Jack right now is that he responded to Jill’s cruel comments (which, yes, I agree were bad) by denouncing all of feminism as evil. After she ranted and raved and made terrible accusations, a reasonable person would have said “Jill, please don’t talk to me like that” or “I feel like you’re being really unfair,” or “You’re out of control right now and I’m going to end the conversation and take some time away” or even “I clearly don’t belong in this space.”  Not “feminism is evil!” I mean, what a leap!

I Reported My Colleague to HR. Somehow It Made Every Single Person at Work Turn on Me. When I Picked My 8th Grade Daughter Up from a Coed Party, I Was in for a Shock. Help! My Sister and Her Little Girl Are in a Shelter. They Could Easily Live With Me, but Only Under One Condition. My Daughter Won the Lottery. Her Behavior Ever Since Has Been Deplorable.

I strongly, strongly suggest that this stance was always right under the surface with him and that the emotional maturity deficit that made him blurt it out had already shown up in other ways. There’s some history here. I do not think Jack counts as someone who is “trying to learn and grow” or to be a better ally. If he is, he’s not trying nearly hard enough.

Under normal circumstances, I would say it’s not your business to say anything to one person about the way they spoke to another. That’s between them. But it sounds like your approach to organizing and mentorship demands a conversation. So, if you must “call her in” over the email exchange to encourage more empathy and compassion in general, you should approach her with curiosity about what else she’s experienced with Jack. Even if you don’t condone the way she spoke to him, you can acknowledge that he was clearly not as committed or well-intended as the average aspiring ally, and that his reaction is evidence that not much was lost when he denounced the cause. It’s fine to ask her to communicate more empathetically—but to other, more sincere people who are not one nasty email away from going full Trump “nasty woman” on the whole cause.

Classic Prudie

About six years ago, we moved into a new house after being homeless for a year due to a house fire and a long battle with our insurance. Right before we closed on our new home, my spouse’s youngest brother and wife revealed they too were living in their car after being evicted. My brother-in-law is an alcoholic with a ton of mental health and anger issues, and my sister-in-law was then a full-time student in her final semester at school. We allowed them to move in with us, because I didn’t want them sleeping in their car in a hot summer, and I didn’t want my sister-in-law to have to drop out of school due to a lack of internet. Well, it’s been a nightmare…

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