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Dear Care and Feeding,

About six years ago, our son “Jake” and his then-wife ended their on again/off again marriage and got a messy divorce. My husband and I live an hour away, and during visits we realized that our grandson “Greg” was really struggling. He always had problems with his temper and self-control, but after the divorce, it was clear to us that he needed more attention and support and maybe therapy. We tried to talk to Jake about it and offered to pay for therapy and/or take Greg for a few weeks in the summer, and Jake ignored us. I was worried enough to go to Greg’s mom, who was distrustful at first but then agreed to let us help, if Jake would agree to it too. When Jake found out we’d approached his ex and she was in favor, he refused all of our support. He accused us of siding with her over him and cut us out of his life and Greg’s life completely. He’s always had turbulent on again/off again relationships with friends and family, so we hoped that he’d come back if we gave him space.

Well, last week we got an email from Jake, saying that he forgives us and wants us to take Greg for all of June and pay for his court-mandated (!) anger management therapy. But things have changed.

Greg is 16 now, and we missed so much of his life. We want to be close again, but none of this is possible. My husband had a stroke two years ago, and I’m his full-time caregiver. We don’t have the tools to deal with an angry 16-year-old, and we don’t have the money we used to have. We have had to downsize, and our other two kids generously pay for a part-time home health aide to help care for my husband. I want to reconnect with Jake and Greg, but I don’t know how when we definitely can’t give Jake the help he’s asking for. And frankly, though I love him very much, I’m also angry with him for not realizing how much older we are now. How do we keep the door open to reconnection without the help we just can’t provide?

—Sad Grandma

Dear Sad Grandma,

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I think the only thing to do is to tell Jake exactly that: You love him and Greg; you want to be part of their lives; you want Greg to get the help he needs; but unfortunately, you’re not in a position to pay for or provide that help right now, because you’ve had your hands full since your husband’s stroke.

I hesitate to say that Jake will fully understand your circumstances. He doesn’t sound like a terribly understanding or empathetic person. But any reasonable person would at least try to accept the facts of your situation. Much as you might like to, you just aren’t able to offer more assistance right now, but you love both of them and you always will.

It’s OK, of course, to be angry with Jake for the way he treated you. I’d also be upset with him for failing to get his son the support he so clearly needed. You don’t have to ignore your feelings or forget anything that happened between you. But you’re saying that you do want to keep your door open to both of them, so make sure Jake knows how important that is to you. I really hope that he’s able to hear what you have to say this time, and that you’re able to work toward some kind of reconciliation, if that’s what you all want.

—Nicole

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