Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter, Evelyn, is a single mother with a 5-year-old child, Opal. I love Evelyn and Opal very dearly. I am in a very fortunate financial position, with my husband’s career having progressed the way it has, that I was able to retire around when Opal was born and have been able to help since. Evelyn is a very hard-working person, but she has struggled in the past with poor decision-making. She currently works a full-time, entry-level office job and still puts in a few hours a week at a restaurant. Opal was born with a mild disability. I help out by taking Opal to her regular physical therapy and frequent eye doctor appointments.

Medical appointments, even ones for kids, can be difficult for a child, so I try to make the day better by taking Opal to a restaurant afterward. Evelyn is getting frustrated by this. Opal tends to be a picky eater, and frequent eating out has made things worse at home. I don’t think Evelyn is a bad chef, but Opal just has high expectations now—especially since while Opal hates foods like meatloaf and shepherd’s pie, she somehow loves palak paneer and shrimp pad Thai. (For a picky kid, she really likes spicy food.) These are things Evelyn is too busy to learn how to make. Evelyn is asking me to cut back on restaurant visits. I want to respect her wishes, but I also see how much Opal enjoys these little excursions, especially after appointments that aren’t much fun for her. Evelyn thinks Opal should just suck it up, essentially, but she’s only 5! My husband thinks I should listen to Evelyn, since she’s the parent, and while that’s true, neither of them sees how draining these appointments are for Opal. I’m not sure what to do here.

—No More Eating Out

Dear Eating Out,

I can tell you mean well, and I sincerely love that you can support Evelyn and Opal through these appointments—it takes a village, especially for us single parents! But please re-read your letter. Your daughter is telling you that your help is making things harder, and rather than abide by her wishes or problem solve together, you’re calling Evelyn into question. I want you to replace pad Thai in your story with screens. If you read about a grandma who gave a 5-year-old regular screen time, even though the mom said it caused the kid to throw huge tantrums when screens weren’t given at home, would you defend the grandma’s decision because the child just really enjoys “Candy Crush”? Of course not! This is the same phenomenon here. You need to respect your daughter’s role as the mom. It’s her call how to raise her child; your job is to support, not decide, what that looks like.

You have a few easy solutions readily available to you. The first is to come up with a variety of rewards that you can give Opal after her appointments. What if you made an “adventure jar” that she could draw out from after every appointment? It could be filled with ideas like getting ice cream, buying stickers at the dollar store, visiting a new playground, going to the library, etc. There are myriad ways to keep your fun tradition going without interfering with eating habits.

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A second idea is to ask Evelyn (not suggest!) whether she would want to learn to cook some of Opal’s new favorite foods. You could find her some cooking classes and provide the babysitting, or take the classes yourself and then teach Evelyn whenever it’s best for her.

A third idea would be to get the family some interesting sauces—Opal may not like shepherd’s pie as-is, but what if she dipped it in some Japanese barbecue sauce? World Market has an extensive selection of condiments, but there’s also an Asian-inspired collection from Harry and David, or this “For the Son Who Can’t Cook” variety pack from Terrapin Ridge Farms. (I might personally need that last one.)

I’m not trying to cut you down in any of this. Grandmas who invest this much time in their grandkids are so valuable; I can tell you first-hand that my sister and I are who we are today in part due to the time we spent with our grandmother as our primary babysitter. You have the potential to be a pivotal part of Opal’s life for years to come. The best way to ensure that future, though, is to remember that you are there to help your granddaughter stay healthy and your daughter stay sane. The more you can work with your daughter, the better off you’ll all be.

—Allison

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