Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence, 

We have one 10-year-old grandson. He is on the spectrum and wasn’t getting the individual one-on-one treatment he needed in the public schools. We are paying the lion’s share for him to attend a private one. The changes were day and night. He went from nonverbal and having frequent meltdowns to being a happy, talkative little boy with many friends.

Still, the stress of the divorce of his parents two years ago didn’t help. Both his parents rapidly moved on to other relationships. Our new daughter-in-law frequently complains about the cost and time of taking our grandson to his special school and states the nearby public school is “good enough” for her two kids. Our former daughter-in-law is pregnant and engaged. She is planning on staying at home with the baby and says they can’t afford the tuition either.

We offered to pay more of the tuition or even take legal custody of our grandson completely, only to be shut down. It is extremely frustrating to see both our son and his ex put their own selfishness above the needs of their child. We are very worried about the negative effects this will have on our grandson as he will be starting middle school next year. We can’t imagine the cost of him not only losing his teachers and friends but also spending the start of puberty in such a large and ignorant environment. What do we do here?

—Worried Grandparents

Dear Worried Grandparents,

I don’t know for sure why they won’t accept the extra tuition money and keep your grandson at the school where he’s thriving. But I suspect it could have something to do with a desire to create some distance from you and all the intense judgment that goes hand in hand with your love. In this short letter, I’m reading that public school is an “ignorant environment,” that your son and former daughter-in-law found new partners too quickly, and that he and his current wife are selfish for not … simply handing the child over to you? I can only imagine what you’ve said to them in person. You’ve got to take a step back. You’re making them feel horrible about themselves and it’s already backfiring.

I want to acknowledge that there’s a part of being a grandparent that must be really, really tough. You love your grandchildren more than you could imagine, but you don’t actually have any control over how they’re raised. I bet this feels extremely frustrating, especially when you think a kid’s emotional well-being is on the line and no one will listen to your plans to make sure he’s OK. But this is the situation you’re in. Unless you’re asked for advice or to provide child care you have one job, which is to give your grandson love. It’s a really good job, if you lean into it! You can be one of the only people in his life who has no other agenda, outside of affirming, enjoying, and comforting him if needed and telling him he’s great. Remind yourself that creating an ideal life for him when it comes to medical care, education, his relationships with friends, or anything else, is outside of your jurisdiction. His parents love him and will do their best—and yes, sometimes makes mistakes—in all those areas. Your assignment is not to change the way they operate or insist that he attends a certain school, but to be a safe, loving person who your grandson can count on regardless of what happens in the classroom every day.

Dear Prudence,

My family is a vast, boisterous, happy collective of extreme extroverts. Every year, we have a mass gathering of 200-plus people, and it is loud and wild. There are games, musical interludes, many meals, and a lot of booze. It’s fun but it’s a lot and definitely far, far too much for my sweet, awkward, deeply introverted husband. As a result, I always go to these events alone and spend five days fielding questions about him and variations of jokes about my “imaginary” partner “who lives in Canada” (sigh). The thing is, it gets lonely and I really don’t want to do it without him. I know if I said that, he’d come and hate it, and if I didn’t go, my family would freak out. A white lie would work for a year but not for life. Any ideas?

—Stuck Without You

Dear Stuck Without You,

You just have to be upfront about who he is. Own it. Even make a joke about it before your family members can. Say something like, “Dan is a massive introvert and he would want to jump into the lake after two days of listening to all of us drunkenly sing campfire songs. It’s his idea of hell, so I gave him a pass because I want to stay married!” You never know, by labeling the event as loud and overwhelming, you might be making more low-key personality types feel less alone and empowering one of your relatives (they can’t all be extroverted right) or in-laws to say, “I actually feel the same! I’m going for a walk by myself instead of participating in charades and shots by the bonfire tonight.”

But this incompatibility doesn’t mean Dan should be a stranger (or suspected imaginary friend) to your family. If it works out logistically, it would be a nice compromise for him to show up for one day (maybe one you specifically suggest because it involves less intense/annoying activities, or it’s toward the end of the event when everyone is too tired to be overwhelming) or to support you in inviting a relative or two to visit you at home—where you control the volume and the vibes—a few times a year.

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Dear Prudence, 

Whenever my brother visits, he threatens to leave and go back home if my mom and I have even the slightest disagreement. He visited over the holidays and threatened to look for a flight to catch on Christmas morning because my mom and I were arguing. (She accused me of “yelling” because I got impatient with her for interrupting me.) His behavior is very childish, and I’m at the end of my rope. It’s getting to the point where I’m thinking I should just cut him out of my life for good.

—Humiliated

Dear Humiliated,

I can imagine your brother writing to me to complain about you and your mom fighting during his visits. I might tell him that if it gets too bad for him to handle, he can always just leave. It’s not the worst plan in the world!

My Wife Is Adamantly Against Allowing Our Daughter to Enjoy a Childhood Rite of Passage. Her Reason Makes No Sense. My Boyfriend Knows My One Big Boundary in Bed. He Went Ahead and Broke It Anyway. Help! We Generously Offered to Take Over Custody of Our Grandson. We’re So Frustrated at How His Parents Responded. My Sisters Have Always Resented My Existence. Suddenly, They’re Changed Women. I Know It’s a Con.

But clearly, the two of you have different thresholds for what constitutes “the slightest disagreement”—or these arguments feel different to him than they do to you. Maybe that’s because of the way his brain is wired, or his particular reaction to your upbringing or traumatic experiences that occurred outside the household. Perhaps he just really likes peace! Who knows. What I can tell from what I’ve read is that he does love and wants to be around you and your mom (why else would he keep visiting?) and that, for whatever reason, he finds the conflicts unbearable.

Before you jump straight to no contact, could you approach him with some curiosity about what he’s experiencing when you two start bickering? Then try to explore a compromise. For example, you could pledge that if he’s around and your mom annoys you, you will make every effort to take a deep breath before snapping at her. He might agree to give you a pass for the first fight, or retreat to his bedroom or hotel room for a couple of hours instead of heading to the airport the minute things get too tense for him. By threatening to cut contact with him, you’re actually behaving very much like him (“I don’t like your behavior right now so I’m out!”) and it’s not an approach that will leave either of you happier.

Classic Prudie

My wife has been working from home since the pandemic and now that the kids have all left for college, she has a lot of time alone at home. She used to go on daily walks with a female neighbor who moved out about six months ago. The new tenant is a recently divorced man who also works from home. The two of them have started a daily walk together, which I didn’t have an issue with, but now she’s started to bring him a plate for dinner once or twice a week and stay while he eats it. What brought matters to a head happened the other day, when she brought home a bag of new workout clothes so she’d have something new to wear on their walks.

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