Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I have a longtime friend, “Jade,” who has somewhat withdrawn from the world. We met in college, and for a long time, we were both part of a friend group that did all kinds of nights out, parties, and weekend getaways. Jade was one of the main instigators, someone who was always up for doing something or trying a new experience. This friend group has stayed together, and even though we all have partners, kids, and other responsibilities, we still see each other regularly.

Everyone, that is, except Jade. She started pulling back a bit even before COVID, but once the pandemic hit, she completely withdrew from all social activities. I still see her every couple of weeks, but only on visits to her house, just the two of us. She often mentions that she wishes she saw our other friends more, and I think there’s some resentment there. But at the same time, she doesn’t seem to take the initiative to make plans or venture outside her comfort zone.

My issue is that seeing her feels more and more like an obligation. Rather than hanging out with a friend, it feels like visiting with an elderly relative, especially when much of our conversation is about everything going wrong in her life. Our text chains and phone calls also often revolve around her problems. If I’m honest, I think she has some mental health issues that are undiagnosed/untreated right now, and I often feel more like an unpaid therapist than a friend.

Her partner is very supportive, but also works an incredibly demanding job. Most of her family lives across the country, and since I seem to be the only friend she sees regularly, I feel like I should do something. But I don’t know what that should be! I frequently drop hints about how much therapy has helped me, and also try to get her out of the house and into the world in ways she feels safe doing. The few times I’ve been more direct and honest have not been well-received. I don’t want to abandon her, but I can’t keep doing this!

—Concerned But Frustrated

Dear Concerned But Frustrated,

No one would fault you for retreating from this friendship and seeing Jade once a month or every two months instead of every couple of weeks. You could first try to articulate to yourself what it is about these elderly relative-style visits that bother you. Do you leave feeling down? Do you sense that there’s no room to talk about yourself, or that your challenges don’t matter to her? Is your worry about her taking a toll on you? Does it frustrate you too much to see her suffering when she refuses to get help? Then explain it, as delicately as possible, to her. The slightly more cowardly, but still acceptable approach, would be to allow the relationship to fade without a big announcement, continuing to invite her to group events she won’t attend, but less frequently agreeing to sit around at her place. You can be “busy,” which won’t be a lie because I’m sure you’ll be doing something else.

But I wonder if there’s a better way. Because there really is something to be said for sticking with friends through tough times when they need more than they can give. I’m not suggesting that you’re in line to be the next deeply depressed person, but at some point over the course of our lives, we’re all going to be someone who, for whatever reason, is not a joy to be around. It’s a kind thing to do to stay loyal to the people we love in the way we’d want them to remain loyal to us—if this can be done without making ourselves miserable.

Here’s one idea: Continue to maintain the same level of contact with Jade, but make the visits work for you. Head over on a weekday to work remotely together—you can support her with your presence, but you’ll both be busy, so you won’t have to freelance as an unlicensed therapist. Tell her you’ll bring groceries and you two can make a soup that you’ll both eat for lunch all week. Come bearing a bag of magazines and glue sticks and announce that it’s time to make vision boards. Or get her to mock interview you for a new job you’re applying for. By doing something like this, you’ll ensure that the conversation is about more than “my life sucks,” and you’ll leave feeling good about what you accomplished rather than bummed out about a draining visit. You may even give Jade a much-needed sense of purpose or a distraction from her problems.

Dear Prudence, 

I babysit frequently for a nice family. Recently, I saw an envelope at the top of their stack of mail from a pro-life organization. I can’t say I’m surprised, yet I feel disheartened. As a man, I know I should take a back seat on this issue, but I don’t think I can be a good ally if I remain silent and let their toddlers grow up hearing the wrong opinions.

My girlfriend says to let it go and that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I told her that she was being dismissive of women’s issues and that her indifference led to the election of the current administration and all the literal and metaphorical destruction it has brought, to which she got defensive and accused me of “mansplaining.”

So my question is threefold. Should I keep my mouth shut and continue babysitting for them? I’m not struggling financially, but I do enjoy the extra spending money. Or should I stand up for what is right? How can I explain to my girlfriend that being so apathetic toward dangerous beliefs is unacceptable and that we cannot be bystanders in this fight? I don’t want to break up with her; we have a great relationship and always vote the same way (or so I thought).

—At a Fork in the Road

Dear Fork in the Road,

Do you know how hard it is to find a babysitter? You’re in demand! I bet you could do a post in your local Nextdoor group about your availability, get a ton of interest, and start a relationship with another family—one whose values you share. And yes, I think that’s a reasonable thing to look for. Child care creates a pretty intimate relationship that can last for years and deepen as time goes on. You could easily end up on the guest list for birthday parties and even, one day, your little charges’ weddings! You don’t want to be silently seething over the parents’ political views during all that time. But teaching toddlers that mom and dad’s opinions are wrong is not what you’ve been hired to do and not a road you want to go down. So start looking for a new gig.

The situation with your girlfriend is more complicated. While I fundamentally agree with you that “being so apathetic toward dangerous beliefs is unacceptable,” I also know that people are allowed to be in the “Everyone is entitled to their beliefs” camp instead. You should not attempt to force her to change the way she thinks about this (or anything for that matter!). The fact that your instinct is to fix her mindset to match yours makes me suspect she may have had a point about the mansplaining.

Instead, pause and reflect. What have you learned about your girlfriend’s beliefs? How does what you learned make you feel? When it comes to engagement with and passion for social issues, what qualities are important to you in a partner, and does she have those qualities? Remember, these are not the talking points for a lecture to her, but for a conversation with yourself. It’s worth thinking about how your different stances might play out down the line. Would you be able to say, “It doesn’t matter” about a wedding officiant who had publicly celebrated deportations? Would the two of you be able to agree on whether the political character of a neighborhood would inform whether you wanted to live there? Would your girlfriend understand if you didn’t want to send a future child to the home of a school friend where the yard decor included a big Trump 2028 sign accompanied by a “DEI MUST DIE” flag? Your difference here on the big question, “Do we care what the people in our life believe?” won’t be resolved even if you do start babysitting for a new family.

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Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

I am a lesbian in my late 50s who has always compartmentalized my friend groups. I have two friends from high school who I am close to emotionally but as the years have passed, I no longer have anything in common with them. They have much more in common with each other (straight, constant weed smokers, gourmet foodies). Both of them are also completely unwilling to earn a conventional income. One temporarily receives money from a settlement and the other lives with a boyfriend who is supported by his father. I also have had various friends for the past 30-plus years who are queer. My friends from high school have accused me of favoring my queer friends because of my sexuality.

I do favor them but it’s not for the reason they think. My friends from high school constantly complain about the consequences they’ve faced because they chose to not earn an income. Neither have ailments that would prevent them from being eligible for something, they would just rather not. Because they have both been unemployed, they are also lonelier because they now have less access to people. My queer friends all have some kind of career, some have kids and grandkids, have made decisions through life that would ensure stability in later years, and are relatively drama free. There is literally no joy in my conversations with my high school friends—they both say they look forward to talking to me because I am their only friend whose life isn’t a constant flow of problems and then they unload their woes to me. They also talk about each other, it feels very much like the trio of friends from the current season of White Lotus.

In comparison, my conversations with my queer friends are honest and easy. I did have a difficult (but necessary) talk with one of my friends from high school because she was distraught that I was not there for her in the way I was when we were young. She presumed that it was because I am a lesbian and prefer the company of other queer people. I explained to her that even if I was straight, it would not be different. Over the past 40 years that we have been adults, we have both made life-defining decisions that have contributed toward changing the trajectory of our life paths. We both moved away from our hometown to pursue romantic relationships, I moved to the opposite end of the state and she left the state. The difference is I established myself in my new home area, started a different career, and made friends. She did none of these things. Is there a way I can encourage my high school friends to recognize what it is about their lives they can change? I stopped making suggestions because they both told me that I just didn’t understand.

—Their Misery Loves Company

Dear Their Misery Loves Company,

Help! I Just Wanted to Learn More About My Birth Family. Uh, I Wasn’t Prepared for What I’d Find. My Parents Had a Weird Philosophy About Raising Kids. I Worry I’m About to Inflict It On My Own Son and Daughter. Help! We Generously Offered to Take Over Custody of Our Grandson. We’re So Frustrated at How His Parents Responded. Help! Every Time I See My Friend, It Feels Like I’m Visiting an Elderly Relative.

I’m having trouble squaring the claim that you are close to your high school friends emotionally, with your admission that you never enjoy talking to them. But I think I know what’s going on. You feel loyal to them and care about them, but this is all based on the length of the relationships and things that happened in 9th grade rather than what’s going on today. The reality, though, is that you really have very little respect for them or regard for how they live their lives, and they don’t add anything to yours. Their perceived shortcomings bother you. Their complaints and jealousy annoy you. And your contact with them doesn’t bring you any fun, joy, or support. If you met them now, you wouldn’t choose them. With all that in mind, I want you to consider loving them from a distance. A holiday card, a birthday phone call, and maybe one annual visit will make for a much better relationship than frequent conversations that leave you wishing they’d change just about everything about their lives.

Classic Prudie

I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my sister for some time. Five years ago, she asked me to loan her $5,000. She believed her spouse was cheating on her, and I fully believe he was. When she confronted him, he refused to fess up. She had been breaking into his email and accounts to try to find evidence of his wrongdoing. She asked to borrow the money to install hidden surveillance in her home to gather evidence of his infidelity. I was in between jobs at the time and had not secured a new position.

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