I have an old friend whom I love to spend time with. We always said that we would travel together when we retired. But my friend’s new life partner is a wet blanket! He’s a picky eater, doesn’t like to walk and complains constantly. Still, I’ve been careful to accommodate him: changing restaurants, for instance, and avoiding anything strenuous. I don’t want to upset my friend with negative opinions about his partner. But now my friend wants to plan a European trip focusing on great restaurants. I don’t want to waste my hard-earned time and money traveling with his partner and his depressing issues. How do I tell my friend that including his partner on trips is a deal breaker?

FRIEND

You don’t! I have enough experience with old friends and their new partners to tell you definitively that an ultimatum like “It’s him or me” will probably spell disaster for your friendship. Your friend’s partner is important to him, and I think you know this already: It’s why you’ve been so deferential toward him. And continuing this wise approach may help you preserve a dear friendship.

Now, I agree that taking a food tour through the great restaurants of Europe with a picky eater sounds unappetizing. (Calf’s brain, anyone?) But I predict you will achieve a happier result here by acting solicitously: “I would hate for your partner to be uncomfortable in restaurants that are more adventurous than he likes. Let’s come up with a plan that works for everyone.” You may want to be (much) more direct, but there is no upside to criticizing your friend’s partner.

Here’s the thing: Our lives are always changing. You may be understandably sad that your relationship with your friend is different now from when you first discussed traveling together. But he is not dumping his partner for you. So, look for the best result you can find now: Maybe a monthly dinner for two at the foodiest joints in town?

Skipping a Son’s 2021 Wedding: Snub or Caution?

My husband and I married during the pandemic. We postponed the wedding from 2020 to 2021, but there were still Covid protocols in place. My husband’s parents lived abroad and decided not to attend. They said they didn’t want to quarantine in a hotel for five days after arrival, which was required then. I was very hurt. I believe one reason they didn’t come is that it was my husband’s second wedding and they were disappointed by his divorce. We have been married for three years now, and I have a good relationship with my in-laws, but I am still hurt by this. How do I move on?