Men have more orgasms than women during sex, a study suggests, because both genders focus more on the man's pleasure.

Straight men focus on their own orgasm – and straight women focus on getting their male partner to climax.

Who, then, is focused on the female's pleasure?

Apparently, no-one.

Which explains why men report having an orgasm 90 per cent of the time during sex with a partner and 70 per cent of women find it easier to reach orgasm alone, even when we're including the infinitely more reliable (than intercourse) tongue and finger methods.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE ORGASM IS HARDER FOR WOMEN

'If it's so hard for women to orgasm, how come I can have one in under two minutes using my vibrator?', women tell me indignantly.

People presume there's an orgasm gap because women's sexual system is more complicated than a man's. False.

While men report having an orgasm 90 per cent of the time during sex with a partner, 70 per cent of women find it easier to reach orgasm alone (stock image)

There is no orgasm gap when women have sex with other women or masturbate.

Women don't orgasm when having sex with men because there's less effort made to use techniques that make us orgasm: namely clitoral stimulation.

There's usually some focus on the clitoris during foreplay – albeit brief – but once sex moves onto the 'main event' of intercourse, that's it.

The clitoris is ignored, taking away our chance of climaxing.

IT'S NOT THE WOMAN'S JOB TO FIX IT

I've never yet met a man who honestly believes it's normal for a woman not to orgasm through intercourse. 

There's always that, 'Well, my ex never seemed to have a problem…' attitude hanging in the air.

The researchers who did this study make it clear the 'pursuit' issue isn't a female problem, it's a couple problem.

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox says men just can't grasp that it's normal for a woman not to orgasm through intercourse 

Sure, women should ask for what they want and need to orgasm, but men need to listen and let go of the societal myth that women orgasm through penetration alone.

Thinking intercourse satisfies women as much as men is the biggest, most damaging myths about sex.

Letting go of this expectation would revolutionise sex for future generations.

Here's how to make it happen.

WHAT MEN CAN DO TO CLOSE THE GAP

The quickest way to separate fiction from fact is to do your research. The first and most important thing to do is…

Educate yourself. It's anatomy and physiology that makes intercourse orgasms difficult for women. 

It's nothing to do with how good a lover you are, the size of your penis or anything personal. 

Men are advised to ask their partner how she best likes her clitoris stimulated so she can orgasm

The clitoris is outside the vagina, not inside the vaginal canal – and stimulation of the clitoris (internally or externally – the tip is just the bit you see) is how all orgasms are triggered.

Tell her you understand how her body works. A man who approaches sex with, 'Right, let's get you satisfied first' is already the best lover she's already had. 

Ask her how she best likes her clitoris stimulated so she can orgasm, and you instantly take the pressure off her to pretend she's having one during intercourse. 

You've already let her know you know that's unlikely to happen.

Don't get defensive. Women don't dislike intercourse, most really enjoy it. It's just not the way most women have their orgasms.

Think of your penis as a masturbatory tool. Something to rub and stimulate her clitoris with and against, rather than an appendage that thrusts (ineffectively, if pleasantly) in and out of her vagina.

Take a vibrator to bed with you. If you desperately want her to have an orgasm while you are penetrating her, hold a vibrator on the clitoris during intercourse. 

Go for a slimline vibrator rather than a bullet (which can slip through your fingers at the crucial time) or her Rabbit-style vibe (too big). This is the simplest and easiest way to even the orgasm score. 

Most women don't ask men to use a vibrator because most men think their penis should be enough. Just suggesting you use one is a huge step to closing the pursuit gap.

Thrust a different way. The traditional 'jackhammer' style of thrusting – a deep, repetitive in-and-out motion – is about as effective at getting us to orgasm as using a butter knife to shave our legs. 

Instead, grind against her pelvis and move in circles, rather than up and down. The aim is to keep as much of the base of your penis as possible in contact with the whole of the vulva. Keep thrusting short and shallow rather than deep and fast.

HOW WOMEN CAN OWN THEIR ORGASM

In a nutshell, do what he does – make YOUR orgasm the priority.

Don't worry about how long it will take to get there. Even women who have the courage to show their partner the technique that does it for them, often cave in at the last moment because their partner didn't do it for long enough.

Seriously – when was the last time a man said to you, 'Honey, you must be exhausted doing that for so long! I insist you stop giving me a BJ immediately!'.

Studies show men prefer to be told what to do and don't mind doing it for a reasonable period. 

The reason they stop too soon is simply because it takes him less time to reach orgasm and assume you're the same.

Be more active in chasing your orgasms. Be selfish. Change position if it isn't suiting you; move your body so he's hitting the right spot. 

Get on top: this is the most likely position to result in orgasms-for-two because you can position yourself where it feels best. 

Alternate between consistent clitoral contact (grinding your pelvis against the base of his penis) and G-spot (front vaginal wall – the bit below your tummy) focused thrusting.

Move your legs to increase your chances of orgasm. If you can orgasm during penetration only, it's likely to be through front wall stimulation. 

For deeper penetration during missionary to help hit the spot, put your legs on his shoulders. 

The higher and further back (towards you) you put them, the deeper he can plunge. 

Spread your legs wide and make sure he's fully pressed against your pubic bone and lower abdomen for a magic tugging sensation on the clitoris. 

You want maximum friction on the clitoris and the area around the urethra. It's also packed with nerve endings.

Open your eyes if you're distracted. Watch the action rather than lose yourself in, 'I bet he's really bored doing that. I'd better try to orgasm soon'. 

Focus on what you're feeling, stay in the moment. Trust that he's enjoying it as much as you are.

If you can't quite get there, be hyperalert for your personal orgasm triggers. The more your brain travels a certain path neurologically, the more effortless it becomes. 

The more signposts of impending orgasm your brain can recognise, the easier it will be to trigger the orgasmic response. Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it.

• Listen to Tracey's weekly podcast, SexTok, every Wednesday. Her latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, is available wherever you buy your books.