How many times have you heard someone talk about their amazing ‘chemistry’ with a partner?

They’ll say there’s an incredible ‘spark’ and that the very thought of that person is enough to give them ‘butterflies’. But what if those heady feelings aren’t indicators of an exciting relationship?

What if they’re huge red flags, a way of your body signalling a dysregulated nervous system – and that your partner is not right for you?

As a psychotherapist I’ve seen many clients who talk about their thrilling relationship when really they are confusing anxiety for excitement.

So, how do you tell if your romance is the real thing? Here’s what to look out for…

Chemistry vs anxiety

Chemistry is real – and we experience it in all relationships, not just romantic ones. It’s about being in alignment with another person, when you have a mutual understanding and conversation is easy.

But if you’re on edge and don’t know where you stand, that’s not chemistry. It’s anxiety.

It is normal to be excited about spending time with someone you are attracted to. But if you’re also worried that they might cancel or be in a bad mood, then that’s not a relationship with a healthy future.

False intensity feels like a rush. It’s all-consuming, anxiety-inducing, and is usually due to unresolved past trauma, says psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur (picture posed by models)

Are they a keeper?

Summer is when many people embark on holiday romances. Sometimes they’re nothing more than a harmless distraction, but how can you tell if it’s worth pursuing?

The emotional high of a new relationship can closely resemble the intense feelings triggered by a trauma response. That excitement can be the nervous system reacting to unpredictability or emotional danger, rather than it being a genuine connection. I call it ‘false intensity’.

False intensity feels like a rush. It’s all-consuming and anxiety-inducing, and usually due to unresolved past trauma or unhealthy attachment patterns. People with a background of troubled relationships, either with family members or partners, may not spot red flags.

You should be striving for real emotional safety where you feel calm, grounded and not forever on the back foot. You will feel secure because you know exactly how the other person feels, as they will be vocal about it or communicate it through their actions.

Reject rollercoasters

If your parents had a toxic relationship, and you witnessed instability and people being emotionally unavailable growing up, then this is what you will see as a normal relationship.

The tragedy is that so many women convince themselves that a love life resembling a never-ending rollercoaster is a good thing. They get hooked on the adrenalin and think that a person who is reliable, treats them with respect, returns phone calls and texts and honours promises is ‘boring’.

I’ve seen women miss out on happiness with good men because they chase chaos and thrill. The rollercoaster romance may be fine for a holiday fling, but it will rarely bring long-term happiness.

Nobody is ‘unlucky in love’

There is no such thing as being ‘unlucky in love’. If you constantly find yourself in toxic relationships then it’s because you are picking the same type of person time and again – and ignoring red flags.

If someone blows hot and cold and makes you feel worthless, then you have to exit the relationship. What you are feeling is not sizzling chemistry, it’s a dysregulated nervous system.

I’ve lost count of the number of times women put themselves at the bottom of the pile, tolerating bad behaviour from men they think they have a ‘spark’ with.

Falling in love for real is a wonderful thing but if you don’t love yourself a little bit more than you love your partner, you’ll never be adept at recognising a healthy connection.

Kamalyn Kaur warns that constantly finding yourself in toxic relationships means you are ignoring the red flags

Here are some steps you can take to find a lasting love:

1. Slow down

Get to know the person before rushing into emotional or physical intimacy. Intensity thrives on speed and toxic people can slip through the net. Slowing things down helps bring clarity and gives you time to consider whether the person can be a life partner. Do you like them or is it the idea of liking them? The right person will never object to taking things slowly, but toxic people lack patience. Taking things at a gentle pace is a highly effective filter.

2. Heed red flags

If words and actions don’t align, that’s a red flag. Are they consistent? Everyone needs to change plans occasionally but take note if this person constantly lets you down, disappears without explanation or fails to communicate.

Moody isn’t sexy. Unpredictability is not exciting.

3. Check your body

In the early stages, keep asking yourself: ‘Do I feel calm or do I feel on edge?’ Your nervous system often knows something is up before your head does. It’s fine to feel excited about seeing someone or nervous about a date in the early days but the right connection is always grounded and should make you feel happy and calm.

As told to Claudia Connell