When infidelity destroys a relationship, friends and loved ones rush to comfort us, reassuring us that ‘he wasn’t worth it anyway’, or ‘you were too good for him’.

These throwaway phrases are intended to be comforting, but don’t capture the seriousness of what has happened.

They ignore the fact that cheating doesn’t just break hearts, it breaks something in the body. It’s a wound that lands in the nervous system, shaking the very foundation of how we experience safety, connection and even ourselves.

As a trauma therapist who specialises in betrayal trauma, I have worked with countless clients whose lives were destroyed by an unfaithful partner. And I, too, have stood in that wreckage. I have felt the gut punch of discovering that the person I loved and trusted most had been living a lie, right beside me.

When I was pregnant with my second child, I discovered that my then-husband of 14 years was a serial cheat. He’d always been a manipulative, abusive partner who put me through endless cycles of gaslighting and love-bombing, but this was the final straw. We went to couples counselling, where the therapist told me that this man was a narcissist.

He implied that his infidelity was my fault as he felt helpless after the miscarriages I’d suffered, and refused to apologise. So I know the sleepless nights, the hollowed-out feeling, the desperate need to understand how, and why.

When we are betrayed, it doesn’t simply hurt emotionally. Our nervous system immediately shifts into survival mode. The person we were wired to turn to for comfort, safety and security suddenly becomes the very source of pain and danger.

This sends the body into a primal alarm state, the heart races, the breath shortens, the mind spins. Many people describe it as feeling like they are losing their grip on reality or like they are falling apart from the inside. This is not an overreaction. This is biology.

When Caroline Strawson was pregnant with her second child, she discovered that her then-husband of 14 years was a serial cheat

What makes betrayal trauma so cruel is that it doesn’t just sever the connection with the other person, it severs the connection to yourself.

Suddenly, you doubt your memories, your instincts, your judgment. You find yourself asking painful questions. How did I miss the signs? How could I have been so blind? Was any of it even real? This collapse of self-trust can leave you frozen, unable to take action, trapped in cycles of rumination and self-blame.

But you can move on. You can regain your peace, and enjoy a loving, healthy relationship – even if that feels a distant prospect right now.

Betrayal sends the body into a primal alarm state

Healing from infidelity is not about ‘getting over it’ or positive thinking. It requires a careful, compassionate process that reflects the depth of what you have been through.

From my experience, both personally and professionally, the first step is stabilising the nervous system. You cannot begin to process or make sense of what’s happened while your body is still in a state of threat.

Grounding practices, breath work, gentle movement or simply slowing down to feel your feet on the floor can begin to signal safety to the body.

Once the body feels more anchored, the emotional work can begin. It is essential to give yourself permission to grieve not just the loss of the relationship but the loss of the life you thought you were living. Grief after betrayal is layered and you are mourning the past, the imagined future and the version of yourself who believed she was safe.

Rage, sorrow, confusion, even relief can arise. All of these feelings deserve space and none of them are shameful. Rebuilding after betrayal also means reconnecting with your own intuition and sense of self.

When you’ve been deceived, your inner compass can feel broken. One of the most empowering steps in recovery is learning to listen again to your needs and boundaries. Small daily practices like asking yourself what you want to eat, who you feel safe talking to, when you need rest, can rebuild that thread of self-trust.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I always encourage people to seek the right kind of support. Betrayal trauma is unique and complex. Well-meaning friends might offer advice to ‘just move on’ or ‘get revenge’, but true healing often requires working with someone who understands the nervous system, attachment wounds and trauma responses.

You deserve support that doesn’t dismiss your pain but walks with you through the full arc of healing. My journey through betrayal has shaped me in ways I never expected.

There were days when I didn’t know if I would ever feel whole again. But with time, support and deep nervous system healing, I came out stronger, more self-connected and grounded than I could have imagined.

If you are in the thick of that pain, you are not broken. You are not foolish or weak. You are carrying the weight of a wound that cuts through the deepest needs for love, for safety, for belonging. And you can heal.

Betrayal doesn’t have to be the end of your story. With patience, care and the right tools, it can be the beginning of a new chapter – one where you stand firmly in your worth, your clarity, and your power.