How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have good sex—great sex, even—about three times a week. But for most of our relationship, I was the only one to initiate, and then she would enthusiastically say yes. It’s rare that she starts anything. When I asked her to initiate more, I had no idea it would turn out the way it did.

Historically, she only ever initiated sex when she was really upset or seeking comfort for a major reason. Now, because of this, whenever she comes on to me I assume something is very wrong, and I get turned off. How do I break this association?

—Got What I Wanted But …

Dear Got What I Wanted But …,

My Sister Proposed a Scheme for Free Housing—and I’m Her Mark My In-Laws Pulled a Cruel and Devastating Stunt at Our Wedding. I’m Not Sure I Can Ever Let It Go. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only Help! I Vetted All Men By Telling Them the Same Thing on the Second Date. It Worked. Help! My Fiancé’s Demand for Our Wedding Is Going to Wound Me Deeply. Is There Any Hope for Us?

You may just need more time to get used to her initiation. This is still new and it can take a while to build up new associations. You should practice active reorienting: When you catch yourself assuming something is very wrong, don’t automatically believe that impulse. Instead, tell yourself to behave as though you would if nothing were wrong. You have plenty of reason to assume that there isn’t anything wrong. After all, you asked for this. Staying mindful of the full context of your situation and trying to allow your rationale to be louder than your feelings could help here. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

You should also ask yourself why it’s so important to you that your wife initiates. Your old system—you initiating and her enthusiastically agreeing—yielded good, even great sex multiple times a week. I understand that people attribute partner initiation to feeling wanted, but didn’t her enthusiastic agreement telegraph as much already? Sometimes we find ourselves in roles—in this case, initiator/responder—that, while maybe falling short of ideal scenarios, work very well practically for the relationship. Have you fixed something that wasn’t broken? You should determine which is favorable: Having your wife initiate regardless of the residual anxiety it triggers in you, or you always initiating with no resulting anxiety on your part. Which does your wife prefer? You can always go back to doing it the old way if the new way is too much.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

My husband has a fetish for wearing ladies’ underwear. I found this out by chance, via some not-particularly-well-hidden photos of him in feminine clothing on his computer. I also found a poorly hidden box of women’s underwear in a very large size and a bag of various anal sex toys that wound up being his. He’s never told me about any of this. Now I’m scared he’s lying to me about other things, too. What should I do?