How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m 45 and my husband, John, is 47. When I met him, he was a part-time model who was into many exciting sports and hobbies (surfing, rock climbing, playing the guitar, etc.). Nowadays, he is still handsome and works in a demanding, well-paid profession, but he’s become a bit more boring through the years.

At my job, I’ve been spending time with a younger colleague, Alex, who is 26. Alex feels like a younger version of my husband. He’s good-looking, athletic, and we share many of the same interests. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about Alex and picturing a relationship with him. Alex’s life seems a lot more exciting with parties, concerts, and plans for extended travel. My husband’s version of excitement is silencing his phone, sitting in front of the TV, and ordering Chinese. As for travel, because of the demands from his job, it takes a lot of planning, and we can’t do anything spontaneous. Alex, on the other hand, is all about living in the moment.

John and I have drifted apart, and we need to go to counseling to mend that rift. However, John is in the middle of some very important work, and I know he’ll ask me if we can postpone this for a few months. I’m considering the idea of telling him how I feel about Alex because that might show him why this is so urgent. Or do I keep silent on Alex for fear of how he’ll take it? I haven’t cheated on my husband, but let’s just say it wouldn’t take much for me to do that.

—Not Quite a Cheater

Dear Not Quite a Cheater,

So you have a crush. This alone is not grounds to confess to your husband. You don’t indicate confirmed reciprocal feelings coming from Alex’s end. At this point, you’re still idealizing him, quite possibly because you know so little about him. Sure, you’ve spent some time with him and his life seems exciting because the lives of 26-year-olds are often relatively exciting. They have the stamina to make their lives fast-paced. Perhaps you do too, but at 45, keeping up with 26-year-olds can be a real challenge. I point this out because you’re actively fantasizing about Alex, which is understandable and fine, even, but don’t get carried away and start thinking that your fantasies are reality. In practice, being with someone as supposedly active as Alex could be exhausting. And that’s not even getting into whatever his flaws are, which are, as of now, off your radar because you simply haven’t spent the time it takes to clock them. The guy might be perfect for you or perfect, period, but I’m not confident at all that you have all of the information you need to determine whether that’s the case.

I think your fixation on this youngin is a symptom of the growing rift between you and John. How you want to redeem that is up to you. You wrote that you need counseling with him, and then immediately talked yourself out of pursuing it. What do you want? Do you want the help with your relationship, or do you want to drift further away from your husband? If you know he’s going to give you some excuse as to why you can’t pursue couples counseling, you can prepare a counterargument … if it’s really important to you. Is it?

I suppose if you’re having a hard time verbalizing just what you want for your future with John, it could be useful to talk about the crush you’ve developed on Alex. It might be a powerful way to draw John’s attention to the state of your relationship. Maybe he’ll realize he’s been a bit dull and less attentive than necessary. But the news could also leave him upset and perhaps even feeling paralyzed. Telling him would be a risk. I would approach things more generally first, and definitely be firm about wanting to pursue counseling. If you can’t get his attention, though, know that you have a reveal about your feelings for Alex in your back pocket. Keep them there baking for a bit, as given the circumstances, they are likely subject to change.

Dear How to Do It,

A few years ago, my wife and I (both now 45) started down the path of pursuing more exciting sex lives. One of the ideas we mutually landed upon, among others, was to open up to ethical non-monogamy. Our first experience was her connecting with a guy from her gym. She knew he was really into her, so she reached out to him and scheduled a time for a solo hook-up. It was thrilling for both of us; I didn’t experience any weird or jealous feelings, and in fact, I found a deeper level of connection to my wife rooted in trust and seeing her pursue whatever type of pleasure she wants, from whomever.

I have yet to have my own ENM experience, but recently, I met someone at a work event, and I asked her to dinner. I texted my wife to tell her what I was doing, and she replied, “Sounds good.” Nothing happened between us, but when I came home, my wife was visibly shaken. We spent the next few days in grueling conversations. She asked me if I’d eventually like to have sex with this woman, and I said yes. (Such is off the table now because I have since learned that she is married and not ENM.) At one point in our argument, my wife declared she didn’t want to try ENM anymore.

She did put ENM back on the table shortly after, but as my new acquaintance and I have gotten closer (just as friends), my wife continues to make comments that demonstrate to me she harbors some jealousy.

And here’s the thing, my sex drive and connection to my wife are really tanking now. There seemed to be something in her professed trust of me and her willingness to let me explore that stimulated me sexually, and also deepened our connection. But now that I know she doesn’t really trust me and doesn’t support my sexual freedom, as I absolutely do hers, I feel sort of objectified and under her thumb. Am I off base? I don’t expect ENM to be a transactional. But we had mutually agreed to explore ENM, and actually, among her friends, my wife is theoretically a radical advocate of non-monogamy. In practice, though, she clearly can’t accept that I would even go on a date with another woman. As a result, I am feeling she doesn’t trust me, and despite saying otherwise, she wants to keep me monogamous.

—Theory or Practice

Dear Theory or Practice,

I am wondering what the exact issue your wife had with you going out with this other woman. Was it the very fact that you were interested in dating and having sex with another woman, or was it this specific other woman that caused such a strong reaction? Was there something about the way you pursued/approached your new acquaintance that didn’t sit right with your wife? Or indeed, is she the kind of person who is non-monogamous in theory but finds it much harder to put into practice?

If the answer to any of these questions is unclear, more conversation is needed. In general, with ENM, talking things through is essential—things really start to disintegrate when communication breaks down. Checking in frequently and thoroughly is essential for a lot of couples. I wonder, though, what your foundation is here. How much boundary-setting did you do before actually setting off on your ENM adventure? Did you decide to fly by the seat of your pants, or were there clear rules established? Even if you set things up intricately, it might be worth circling back to this line of conversation now that you know more about your wife’s sensitivity.

That sensitivity should be your guidepost. Things really won’t work unless you cater to the most sensitive party’s feelings. Your chances of having a successful and mutually satisfying open relationship will be much higher if you acknowledge and support her sensitivity rather than push back against it. It is OK for her to feel the way she does whenever she does. Every open relationship should make space for emotions to come up and be processed by both parties with compassion. A lot of this stuff runs on trial by error. We often can’t predict how we’ll feel about something until it actually happens.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t get to have your say—clearly this brought up some emotions for you as well, and the result is that you are having a harder time staying sexually connected to your wife. That’s a hard conversation to have, but an important one. What can she give you to show her trust? How much trust does she, in fact, have? And, I think most importantly, how does she see this playing out? In a moment of calm, have that conversation. Tell her that an arrangement in which she gets to explore and you don’t is just not going to work with you. So, what would she be comfortable with you doing? The answer to this question may dictate your ENM trajectory—should you be so inclined to keep pursuing an open arrangement based on these terms.

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Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my girlfriend “Nova” for just under a year. She is wonderful, kind, and has a great sense of humor. The only problem for me is that she is virtually silent when we make love; even when she comes, the most I ever hear from her is some extremely quiet grunts.  With my previous partners, I always loved hearing their expressions of gratification. It let me know I was doing the job well and was very sexually arousing. Truthfully, this silence from Nova is something of a turn-off and causes me to doubt my ability to satisfy her. When I spoke to her about it, she said she grew up in a home that was very sexually repressive and had taught herself to be quiet whenever she masturbated as a result, and it stuck. How can I help her let go of her inhibitions?

—Silent!

Dear Silent,

My In-Laws Are Keeping a Life-Altering Secret From My Niece. She’s Catching On to the Truth. I’ve Been Spending a Lot of Time With a Younger Man at Work. What My Husband Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only Help! My Late Husband’s Very Nice Family Won’t Leave Me the Hell Alone. Can I Break Ties? My Daughter Has Tracked Me Down. But I Can’t Give Her What She Wants From Me.

“How can I help her let go of her inhibitions?” signals that you believe the way you have experienced the world is the right way, and so since Nova deviates from that, she is wrong. Nope. She is who she is: someone who doesn’t make a lot of noise during sex. You want her to show you that she’s enjoying things, but you seem to want this primarily for you. If she’s content with not making much noise during sex, that is part of what is satisfying her. She should have the freedom to respond to sexual stimuli as she sees fit, and not have the pressure of putting on a show for you and your ego.

You’re “doubting” your ability to satisfy her, and yet you note that she comes. Sure, the orgasm isn’t the be-all end-all of sex, but it is a rather efficient way of noting satisfaction. You know this. It’s fair that you want more from the situation given your experience and turn-ons, but to require it is greedy. You can encourage Nova to be more vocal, and you can be more vocal yourself, in the hopes of setting the tone, but ultimately, you should take her where she is. If she doesn’t make much noise during sex, try engaging her in discussions about the sex that you’re having before and/or after, so that at least there is open communication at some point.

—Rich

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