Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

I’ve always been clear with my boyfriend that if I got married, I wanted a specific kind of engagement diamond ring. Recently he proposed and gave me his grandmother’s engagement ring. This is not the ring I wanted.

First of all, it’s not a diamond ring, and frankly it’s cheap and ugly. He told me the ring meant a lot to his grandmother and that I could pick our wedding bands. Initially, I said yes, but I’ve changed my mind and want him to buy me a new engagement ring. He told me the engagement ring is an heirloom that he wants to pass down to his children, but it’s tacky and it’s not what I want. Should I compromise or insist that he buy a new ring?

—Wanting the Ring Bling

Doree Shafrir Read More

Dear Bling,

I’ll assume you’re being more polite about it with your boyfriend. My hope is that you aren’t actually telling him that his grandmother’s ring is “cheap,” “ugly,” and “tacky.” That’s your opinion, sure, but it’s not a great foundation for compromise.

So what is a good foundation or compromise? Mutual respect, understanding, and empathy. It sounds like he’s up for all of that, and I hope you are, too, but it also doesn’t mean you have to wear a ring you don’t like for the rest of your life.

There are a handful of solutions I’m sure the two of you could come up with—could you wear it for important moments, like wedding day photos, and then keep it somewhere safe other times? Could you turn it into a piece of art to celebrate your engagement? Could you swap it out after the engagement itself?

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Before you figure out a creative solution together, let him know that you understand why this is so important to him. Without trying to convince him of anything, just let your boyfriend know that you get it—it’s an important family heirloom, maybe he was super close with his grandmother, he wants her memory to live on, and so forth. People are way more open to compromise when they feel heard and understood. From there, tell him how you feel—it’s not your style, and you want to be excited about the ring that’s meant to celebrate your engagement. I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but generally, if you let him know why it’s important to you, beyond the fact that you don’t want to wear an ugly ring, that’ll make it easier to come up with a solution together.

Listen, no one wants to wear a piece of jewelry they don’t like for the rest of their life. I get that, and I’m not saying you should just suck it up and wear the ring—I wouldn’t, either. But I’m certain there’s a compromise here that the two of you can find together, and it’s a lot easier to get there when you approach the situation with some care and thoughtfulness.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

My wife was a nationally ranked equestrian when she was growing up, and rode competitively for her college team. We first started dating in college. At that time, her dorm room was covered in horse paraphernalia—photos, old riding awards, trinkets from competitions, horse-themed calendars, you name it. I never really paid much attention to it because I’m not a decorations guy and honestly didn’t care about the aesthetics of her dorm room. However, now that we’ve moved into our first real home together, my wife is starting to turn this into a horse home! There is horse-related stuff everywhere. It’s like someone’s grandma’s horse-themed attic threw up in here.

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