Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, and lived together for the past two years. We’re in our late 20s. We make about the same amount and share expenses pretty evenly.

Her job has really devolved in the last several months. It’s really making her depressed, or at least exacerbating her depression. She has applied for a few jobs, but she says she is so preoccupied with work stress that she can’t focus on a job search. Yesterday she told me she wants to quit, take a few weeks to recover, and then really focus on getting a new job. She said she’s ready to do it immediately, but she wants to make sure I’m on board.

This goes against a core belief, and I’m not sure I can get on board.

I was taught to never leave one job without already having another. It’s honestly unfathomable to me, to willingly quit a job without a new one. So her plan makes me really nervous!

She does have some savings. She says she could cover her half of the rent and expenses for about three-to-four months. She says this is long enough to get a new job in her field (I’m not so sure). She also spent five years bartending and says that she could definitely find a job doing that if she needed to (I know less about that job market, but maybe that’s true).

I am definitely more stressed about the prospect of her finding a job than she is. (Honestly, I am stressed about a lot more things than she is.) For example, if she quit her job, I would want us to cut back on dinners out, etc., to try to make her savings stretch (and to increase my own savings, in case we need to dip into it). I doubt she’ll be thinking that way .

She says that I’m being unsupportive. I just wish she’d try harder to get a job before she quits this one. I’ve said that it might be a good idea to start therapy, to help her get through this really tough period, but she says the only thing that will help right now is leaving this job.

—(Trying to Be) A Supportive Girlfriend

Rich Juzwiak Read More

Dear Supportive Girlfriend,

You’re not being unreasonable, but a bad job can be absolutely soul-crushing. I can see why your girlfriend might be going through a tough time.

Therapy can help, but it might not be the cure-all you think it is. Chances are, if she’s truly depressed , there’s a good chance this job is draining her. If her instinct is to quit, and she doesn’t exactly have a habit of quitting things, then it sounds like that might be the answer.

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I totally understand your financial concerns, but some things are just more important than money. In some ways, it’s a privilege to be able to leave a bad job —not everyone can afford to do so. It sounds like she can afford to swing it and still pay her half of the bills. Can you sit down and look at what your budget might be if she’s in between jobs? Take a look at your expenses to see what concessions the two of you would have to make in order for you to feel more comfortable with her quitting. Can you come up with a plan of action? That plan might include sticking to a bare-bones budget for a set period of time until she finds work. It might include bartending part-time while she looks for full full-time work. It might involve saving an even bigger emergency fund before she quits.

Chances are, your girlfriend just needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling trapped makes it hard to see what your options are. Sit down and look at them together, then take it step by step. Even just a small step in that direction might help her feel alive again.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

I’m a personal assistant to a highly accomplished woman a few years older than me whom I admire and respect a great deal. I’ve worked with her for five years, and we have a close professional relationship. This weekend, we were together late one night when she confided in me how lonely she was; the long hours we work make it difficult for her to maintain a relationship, and she has few friends nearby. Then she told me how good it was to have someone she could confide in and how grateful she was that she could speak to me in confidence. She gave me a look that under any other circumstance I would have taken as an invitation to kiss her.

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