Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

My brother and his wife recently bought a broken-down house. They asked my husband, who runs his own construction company, for a quote to fix it up. My sister-in-law brightly chimed in, “and we expect the friends and family rate.” Well, my husband immediately drew a hard line.

He responded that he would prefer not to engage in a business agreement with family, as it can lead to misunderstandings, and he recommended another company. Well, my sister-in-law completely lost her mind.

She screamed at him and said that they would never have bought the property if they knew he wasn’t going to help them. It seems that they, without any encouragement, expected him to offer his services at a significant discount and are now in a bind because they cannot afford the reconstruction and will make a huge loss if they sell.

Now my entire family is being drawn into a massively acrimonious discussion. My brother and sister-in-law are claiming we “betrayed them” and left them bankrupt. I get daily calls from my weeping mother begging my husband to reconsider, while my father has threatened to beat him up. It’s insane. I don’t want to lose my family, and I can’t ask my husband to change his mind, so what do I do?

—Built on Sand

Dear Built on Sand,

You need to step back. This isn’t your fight. You didn’t buy the house and, unless I’m missing something, you don’t run your husband’s business. If you have to choose sides, choose your husband’s, because he is being eminently reasonable in a completely unreasonable situation.

My Wife Woke Up One Morning to Find Our Baby’s Appearance Dramatically Altered. My Grandma Is to Blame. I Offered My Husband a “Break” From Parenting. But I Didn’t Mean This! My Girlfriend Had a Legendary Sex Life Before Me. No One Will Let Me Forget It. Our Neighbors Called the Cops on My 5-Year-Old. Twice! The Reason Why Might Send Us Packing.

Your brother and his wife have dug themselves into a deep and precarious hole all by themselves. They bought a home without understanding what it would take financially to get it into shape. They obviously didn’t ask your husband to do a courtesy walk-through of the property before they made an offer, and perhaps didn’t even hire a professional home inspector. And then, after purchasing the house, they demanded not only that he help them, but with a serious discount on his services. They made so many wrong-headed assumptions about this situation that it’s difficult to keep them all straight.

Your husband, knowing that working with relatives (yours, specifically, perhaps?) is likely to cause a huge problem, has begged off but offered to connect them to a reputable builder. Judging by everyone’s reaction, he’s making the smart move.

So back to you. If your family pushes you to make your husband comply, simply tell them the truth: You don’t run your husband’s business. He does. Rinse and repeat.

Finally, your father’s threat of violence is unacceptable on every level. Ask yourself if this sort of threat is how he has always kept his family “in line” and then decide (possibly with a therapist’s help) whether you and your husband need some time apart from your family.

—Ilyce

More Money Advice From Slate

My partner grew up poor, while I grew up more middle-class. We have a fairly big (but manageable) mortgage, and our child has added many more costs to our lives, but otherwise we’re OK. He has always controlled all our finances, and spends hours monthly on budgeting and checking bills, credit cards, etc. All income, including gifts, goes to the joint account. I have to keep receipts for everything I buy, down to a coffee, so he can record and check it. I’ve never known anybody who obsesses like this.

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