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Dear Prudence, 

Eight years ago, my partner and I bought our first home together in one of the few affordable neighborhoods left in our (blue) city in a (mostly red) state. We love to cook, and over the years, we enjoyed learning from our neighbors’ traditional cuisines and sharing ours. I will be the first to admit that I am prejudiced against MAGA folks. And I guess our brand-new neighbors are fairly low-key (bumper stickers rather than MAGA hats and Confederate flags). We made our introductions to “Michael” and “Cheyla.”

It was pretty cordial for about two weeks. Then the complaints (always from Michael—Cheyla is apparently too delicate to voice her feelings—yep, I’m judging it) started coming in about “smells” and “noise” from our backyard during weekly (over by 9 p.m. at the latest, we’re OLD) cookouts. I took reasonable steps (moved music indoors to keep voices down, moved my small compost heap to the far side of the yard, etc.) But Michael’s newest complaint is that even cooking in our kitchen is making Cheyla sick.

According to him, she’s “allergic to alliums” and the onions, garlic, and shallots that we use regularly are giving her digestive issues. I read up on allium allergies, and I suspect that what she’s “allergic” to is the presence of people who don’t look like her in her new neighborhood. But even giving them the benefit of the doubt: They need to reinforce their home, right? I mean, we can’t realistically be expected to cook differently to appease a new neighbor?

—Flavor Racists Next Door

Dear Flavor Racists Next Door,

Repeat after me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but we aren’t going to be able to change the way we cook.”

You’re in too deep thinking about who your neighbors are, why they are the way they are, and what they should do. The changes they need to make to their home, the reasons behind Cheyla’s “delicate” behavior, and whether their alleged scent sensitivity has racist origins are all their business. Not yours.

For the record, I think you’re probably right about all of it. But it doesn’t matter, and you shouldn’t drain your energy analyzing their mindset. Keep doing what you’re doing. Be cordial but firm. If you should happen to drive them out of the neighborhood with your completely normal and predictable kitchen habits, maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are often invited over to the home of another couple we are friends with for dinner. However, on more than one occasion, the silverware was not completely clean. Luckily, we were able to surreptitiously sneak it into the kitchen to wash it off. What is a way of bringing this to their attention without causing them embarrassment?

—You Have a Dishwasher—Use It

Dear You Have a Dishwasher,

Are you sure you’re not just seeing water marks? I’m hopeful!

But if we’re really talking about little greasy smudges or bits of food, that’s another story. There is a way to bring it to their attention without causing embarrassment, but it requires not treating this as a heavy, serious issue. You definitely don’t want to say, “Please sit down. We need to talk. This is hard to say but your cutlery is disgusting. I am so sorry to be the one to bring it to your attention.” Instead, remind yourself that dirty silverware is a thing that can happen, rather than a source of shame, and bring it up with a light touch.

You could say something like, “I have bad news for you guys: Before tariffs make everything more expensive, you’re going to need a new dishwasher because yours is falling down on the job. Look at this! There’s an entire grain of rice between the prongs. The same thing happened to us when ours was on its last legs. Here, I’ll grab them all and rewash them. Does anyone want more wine while I’m up?” or, “Remember when everyone was talking about ‘quiet quitting’? I think your dishwasher got some ideas because it didn’t even try to remove this lettuce from my fork. Here, hand everything over and I’ll take care of it before we eat.” But, I’m guessing that if you felt like this would go over well you would have already used it. Either you’re not super close, or the mix of personalities involved doesn’t lend itself to casually and good-naturedly addressing the issue head-on.

So, your choices are to 1) keep sneakily washing the forks, 2) take the old “it’s not you, it’s me” approach by explaining that you’ve become a bit of a germaphobe now and triple wash everything, or 3) do a combination of avoiding dinner invitations and showing up at their house with pizza, wings, burritos, or something else that doesn’t require a potentially filthy fork.

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Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 51-year-old man and I have had a long-complicated relationship with my older sibling. We were very opposites growing up. He was a typical selfish and self-centered jock bully. As I grew older, I realized he did not add any particular value to my life or experience, so I cut him out of my life after I left home at 18. While we are not close, we do maintain somewhat civil contact, although once our mother passes, I don’t think I’ll be in touch with him often. That said, over the past eight years my sibling has gone from just annoyingly conservative to full-on embracing of the church of MAGA. He goes out of his way to pick political fights, even though he’s pretty much mentally unarmed. I’ve unfollowed him on all social media, but he still comments and tries to start arguments on my (very) occasional political social media posts.

My In-Laws Have the Most Infuriating Habit With the Bill at Restaurants. So I Decided to Put a Stop to It. My Son Seems to Have a Mean Streak. I Know Where He Gets It From. My Daughter Finally Gave the Neighbor’s Kid a Taste of His Own Medicine. But She Might’ve Gone Too Far. Help! My Mom Refuses to Get My Fiancé’s Name Right.

Here’s my dilemma: He’s self-employed and a total tax cheat. He brags about having his whole family including wife, daughter, and son-in-law on his business’ fleet cards, he hires workers under the table, he hires subcontractors that knowingly hire undocumented immigrants, and brags about being so business savvy that he accepts payments in the form of high-ticket luxury household items instead of currency. I’m sure there is more. I am not a vindictive person, but I really want to report him to the IRS. While I’m pretty sure it could not be traced back to me as he’s got a big mouth and I likely know only a fraction of what he brags about in relation to his “business,” doing so would ultimately hurt his wife and children, none of whom I have a grudge against. It just irritates me that he embodies so much of what’s wrong with our nation right now. Do you have any thoughts or advice?

—Very Much a Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,

Don’t do this. As you mentioned, your revenge fantasy would affect your brother’s innocent wife and kids, too. You might get caught. You likely won’t feel any better about his personality and values, even if the plan goes off without a hitch. It’s not worth it.

Besides, if you really want to hurt your him, the best way to do it is to work for a world in which there’s a fully staffed CDC; teachers are allowed to talk about African American history, people who haven’t committed any crimes aren’t deported to prisons in foreign countries, and trans girls aren’t kicked off the high school track team. Legal trouble would be a headache for him, sure, but the pain that comes with knowing other people aren’t suffering as much as he’d like them to be could be truly devastating.

Classic Prudie

My friend “Betty” is single, and I’m about to get married, but we’ve both noticed a recent trend with our friend “Jane” that we can’t abide. Every time we see her, Jane expresses how excited she is for us to have children. We hear some version of “You have to have kids!” or “I can’t wait till you have babies!”

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