Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I know the general rule is don’t comment on other people’s parenting and don’t give unsolicited parenting advice. But! Can you ask a parent to change the way they behave in front of you and your kid? I have some friends, “Elo” and “Raven,” whose 3-year-old, “Jax,” is one of my 3-year-old’s best friends. Elo and Raven divorced when Jax was about 1 ½—thank god, because the tension was through the roof when we all hung out. I love hanging out with Elo and Jax, but I really struggle when I spend time with Raven. Jax has autism and some developmental delays, but in many ways they also behave like any other 3-year-old. Jax is verbal, responds to questions and redirection, and is constantly learning and changing. Every time I see them, I can tell they’ve made leaps in their development, even if their speech and reactions are not the same as a neurotypical 3-year-old. But Raven is always making comments in front of Jax and my child about how Jax “doesn’t understand anything that goes on around them,” and constantly compares our kids: “oh, it’s so nice that your kid takes turns/is calm/knows their name; Jax doesn’t know how to do that and probably never will.”

It’s painful to witness, because it’s so clear that Jax understands everything, even if their responses are not exactly the same as my kid’s. I’m sure it’s self-preservation from having a child with more challenges than Raven expected, but Jax is a smart, sweet kid and Raven needs to see that! I don’t want my child to hear Raven comparing them with Jax. I don’t think it’s appropriate, and I want them to stop doing it. I also want them to stop telling me Jax doesn’t understand anything. Can I ask for these boundaries to be in place when my child and I are present? I’m thinking about writing Raven a letter, because they generally don’t respond well to feedback. It doesn’t feel appropriate to involve Elo even though Elo is also Jax’s parent, because Elo and Raven are divorced.

—Kids Shouldn’t Be Compared

Dear Shouldn’t Be Compared,

This would bum me out, too. As the fellow parent of an autistic child, the most generous (possibly too generous?) interpretation I can muster is that Raven may be in pretty ableist medical and/or educational environments that encourage them to do exactly what they’re doing: compare their kid to others, and pay more attention to deficits than strengths. Of course, Raven is allowed to have feelings about Jax’s autism or the support they need. And sure, at least some of Raven’s comments are probably the result of processing those thoughts and feelings aloud, with someone they assume will be somewhat sympathetic (you). But there’s what you feel, and then there’s what you do with those feelings. Raven is making whatever problems she’s having Jax’s problems, too (and yours!). It just isn’t appropriate to vent your fears or frustrations about your disabled 3-year-old in front of said 3-year-old—sorry, but you’ve gotta pick a different time, a different place, a different way.

When encountering ableist parents (and it’s always sadder but unsurprising to me when they have disabled kids themselves), I usually go with one of two options. The easy one is distance: If the relationship isn’t super important to me, I might just let it go, because my time is finite and I don’t need to expose myself or my kid to any more ableism than we already encounter. The other option is (somewhat grudging) education—I don’t mean that I try to engage them in Disability 101 or whatever, but I’ll correct false assertions or push back when needed. I might go so far as to explain why something they said about autism is wrong, or perhaps cite a source like the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I have also had to ask some parents to talk to their own kids about ableism, after those kids said or did something harmful to my kid. Sometimes, though, these things lead us back to distance—either because the other parent/family’s ableism is a dealbreaker for me, or because the other parent just finds me super annoying.

This is all to say that if you don’t want to hear ableist stuff from a fellow parent, and you don’t want your kid hearing it, either—or taking your silence for agreement—I think it’s OK for you to say something. And I don’t even really think it is about Jax’s parenting; it’s more about how you want to parent your own child. You seem to want them to appreciate and enjoy all kinds of people. You don’t want them to grow up ableist. You don’t want them to think worse of Jax or other kids like them—you want them to respect and see whatever is good in every kid they meet, and not assume that autistic or disabled kids can’t be smart or fun or wonderful friends.

You can think about whether you really want to try to let Raven know about those things you want for your kid, and how—in a letter; in person; parent to parent; etc. But as you probably already know, it might not lead to the outcome you want. Raven might not be in a place where they can hear what you’re saying, or view their situation differently. They might also get mad at you, no matter how kind or careful you try to be. And in the end, they’re going to parent how they choose to parent, and they and Jax will bear the consequences. If they keep making their ableist remarks and it turns out to be a dealbreaker for you, then you may need to decide whether your kid mostly sees Jax during Elo’s time rather than Raven’s. You don’t have the power to change Raven, but you do get to choose what you’re willing to put up with, and what you want your child to hear and absorb.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My good friend recently lost her infant son after 8 weeks in the NICU. It was obviously devastating. My heart is broken for her. I live on the other side of the country, so I haven’t been able to be as present as I would like. I’m planning a trip over the summer to her coast and I definitely want to see her, but I’m struggling with how to plan the trip without overburdening her and her husband. Normally, I would just ask to stay with them for a few days, but I don’t know if they would want a house guest. But I also think she might be upset if I say I’m staying at an Airbnb in their town. They live pretty far away from other friends I could stay with, but it wouldn’t be impossible to meet for lunch somewhere in the middle. How can I plan this trip to maximize support but minimize stress for them? I just want to give her a hug and make them a meal.

—Too Timid to Ask

Dear Too Timid,

It’s kind of you to want to offer in-person support to your friend, assuming she is open to it. I understand why you might prefer not to ask, but in this case, I think there’s no avoiding it—not if you actually want to ascertain and respect her wishes. Unless you talk about it with her, you’re reduced to guessing.

I really can’t imagine a friend being offended by your wish to see her and cause as little stress as possible. And I think you can try to bring up the possibility of a visit in a way that puts the least amount of pressure on her. First, let her know that you’re planning to be in the area, and you’d love to see her if she has time. And then just make it clear that you’d be open to doing so in whatever way would be best for her, perhaps something like: “Of course I’d be glad to stay with you, but I’m also very happy to stay somewhere else if that’s easier. I can come over and make a meal, or we can meet for lunch if you’d prefer. Think about it and let me know—I hope to see and catch up, and also have this visit be as easy as possible for you.”

I’d try to have the initial conversation soon/several weeks before you travel. Then your friend will know all the options and have time to think it over; she won’t feel the pressure of needing to answer right away. She can let you know how she’s feeling about the visit, and what she’d like to do, as your trip gets closer.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here. · Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My In-Laws Have the Most Infuriating Habit With the Bill at Restaurants. So I Decided to Put a Stop to It. Help! My Parents Are Rethinking Their Relationship. It Puts Me in a Terrible Position. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only I Have a $15 Million Estate and a Year Left to Live. My Son Is Going to Be Furious About My Plans for the Money. Help! Our New Neighbors Have a Bizarre “Request.” It Has to Do With Our Cooking.

My 2-year-old is on a pretty hardcore napping strike right now, after being a reliable two-hour napper for many months. The switch was sudden despite no major life changes. She is my fourth child, so I know a lot of the recommendations already (keep naptime consistent, darken the room, remove distractions) and follow them—I just have not had a child do this before. I have a childproof lock over the doorknob and she will stay in her room for over an hour for “rest,” but she rarely sleeps. I plan to keep enforcing “rest time” and hope she goes back to napping eventually, but in the meantime, do you know anyone who has had a similar experience and lived to tell the tale? Did their kid go back to napping?

—Slumber Management

Dear Slumber Management,

I have been there! My younger child was never a great napper, and gave it up somewhere between 2 and 2 ½. We referred to that last hour or so before her 7pm bedtime as witching hour, because, well, none of us were at our best. In our case, once the nap was gone, it never came back. But of course it’s possible that your child is just on a nap strike, and will eventually go back to sleeping during the day.

Whether that happens or not, I think trying to preserve at last the idea of nap time—creating the ideal nap time conditions!—still makes a lot of sense. Even if your 2-year-old doesn’t fall asleep, the chill quiet time is probably good for her (and for you). It can also flow nicely into her having chunks of increasingly independent time, when she doesn’t expect you or anyone else to entertain her.

—Nicole

More Advice From Slate

My wife and I have a dilemma: My mom lives just downstairs from us and is 90 percent awesome with our 5-year-old son. She helps with school drop-off and pickup, does a few hours of child care on the weekend, and is always ready to randomly babysit whenever we need. The 10 percent: Whenever he goes down to visit her, he gets banana bread, trail mix with M&Ms, lemonade (not cut with water or seltzer), and other things we would consider “sometimes” foods. The notorious “free” babysitting strikes again! What can we do?

Never miss new Advice columns The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.