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Dear Care and Feeding,

For nearly three years, my sister “Shelly” and her husband have been trying to start a family without success. Shelly has gotten pregnant three times, but each time miscarried early in the first trimester. The issue is apparently her eggs. She and her husband have looked into egg donation, but they have already spent nearly six figures on IVF and the cost is prohibitive. They were advised that egg donation from a qualified family member is much less expensive than from an anonymous donor.

Last month, Shelly approached me and practically begged me to donate some eggs to her. I am her only female relative young enough to be accepted as a donor by her clinic. I was uncertain as to what was involved in egg donation, so I told Shelly I would be willing to talk with staff at her clinic. Speaking to her fertility team about how eggs are retrieved left me freaked out—not only by the procedure itself, but the fact that it requires taking multiple daily (self-administered) hormone injections (I have a fear of needles). In addition, my husband and I have two kids who are 5 and 3, and I need to work full-time to help pay our rent in a high-cost area, so the time commitment alone would make it impossible for me.

The medical team was very understanding and assured me that they respected my decision and would not want someone to become a donor if they were uncomfortable with the process. I sat down with Shelly at her place a few days later and explained that while I wished I could help her, I had too many misgivings about undergoing what was required for egg donation—and that even if I could get past those reservations, I could not commit to such an involved process due to my family’s financial situation. I knew she’d be disappointed, but I could not have imagined what actually happened.

Shelly burst into tears. She accused me of being selfish and said it was impossible for me to understand what she was going through because I already had kids of my own. She reminded me of all the times she had provided child care for my son and daughter when they were toddlers, shouting, “This is how you repay me after everything I’ve done for you?” I expressed how much her help had meant to us and reiterated how badly I felt about everything she had been through, but pointed out that her watching my kids was not on the same level as what she was asking me to put my body through, and that I couldn’t afford to take the necessary time off work. Shelly responded with some very ugly things. She called me every name in the book and added that she hoped I was happy about “robbing her of her one chance to become a mother” and leaving her as “the only one of us without kids.” She concluded by telling me that she no longer considered me a sister, and to get out of her house and her life. I left, shaken, and cried the entire way home.

Several days later, my brother-in-law sent me a text apologizing for the things Shelly had said. He told me he understood my decision and promised that he would try to talk some sense into my sister. More than three weeks have passed, and I have yet to hear a word from her. My other sister said to give Shelly some space, while my mother tried to talk me into reconsidering my decision—though she backed off after I described what I would need to go through physically. My husband said that if my sister’s love for me is so conditional, it’s no huge loss if I never hear from her again. I don’t want to be at odds with Shelly or seem unsupportive, but what she is asking for is something I simply cannot do. I get that her reaction was coming from a place of pain and grief, but I was deeply wounded by her behavior. Is this a relationship worth salvaging, or is my husband right?

—Dejected in Delaware

Dear Dejected,

I Am Dying to Un-Invite My Friends From Staying at My Lake House. But Their Flights Are Already Booked. I’ve Been Spending a Lot of Time With a Younger Man at Work. What My Husband Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him. My In-Laws Are Keeping a Life-Altering Secret From My Niece. She’s Catching On to the Truth. Help! My Friend Keeps Complaining About Her Husband. I Might Tell Him for My Own Sake.

You’re right to acknowledge that your sister is experiencing enormous pain and grief, and might not have said such terrible things to you if she wasn’t. She probably does love you, and she is bitterly disappointed, and now, after her outburst, she may well feel embarrassed as well. You love her, and you’re hurt by her words—and maybe also by the fact that she clearly feels entitled to a kind of help you don’t feel you can offer. Maybe your husband is also angry, and trying to make you feel better by saying that Shelly is “no huge loss.” But that’s not really his call to make. Nor is it mine—I can’t tell you whether this is a connection worth saving or not.

You’re the one who knows what your sister really means to you. You’re the only one who can decide whether you want to try to salvage a relationship with her. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here; what matters is what you want. It is possible to be very hurt, even furious, and still feel that you want to reconcile with your sister if she’s open to it.

Of course, it’s not as simple as what you want—Shelly has to want to reconcile, too (and I would hope that she would also take the chance to apologize for the things she said to you). You have already given her a lot of time to sit with her feelings and her disappointment; to think about how she treated you. If you want to, you can try reaching out to see if she is willing to talk. You don’t owe her an apology, and you certainly shouldn’t have to chase or beg her. But it’s fine to try to make contact—again, only if you actually want to—and see if she also wants to try to repair what she broke.

—Nicole

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