Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a straight woman in my early 30s, and I’ve always struggled to orgasm, but I do have them very occasionally through direct clit stimulation. Recently I was at the doctor and for medical reasons, and she flushed my ears with water. I was startled by how deeply good it felt to have touch inside my ears, and I unexpectedly orgasmed. She thought I was in pain, and I went along with that explanation because I was so embarrassed. I never want to orgasm at the doctor again, obviously. Any tips on how to separate this out? I want to keep things clinical if I have to get it done medically again, but I’d love to have a safe and direct route to orgasm at home. I feel so torn realizing that actually I can come easily, but that the route there is … weird and potentially unsafe. Is something wrong with my body? That is not an erogenous zone!

—All Ears

Dear All Ears,

That definitely is an erogenous zone. In fact, ear eroticism is common enough that there are loads of articles about it. The vagus nerve, which passes through the ear, has been known to be associated with orgasm, particularly vaginal orgasm, since at least the ’90s. Studies largely focus on women with spinal cord injuries, but it’s a good data point. You are not alone.

That said, your ears are delicate, and while people do live whole lives with hearing loss, you’ll want to avoid damage to that area. That means no blowing canned air into your ears, and no digging around with Q-tips.

If it were me, I’d schedule another appointment with the doctor and explain what happened. They’ve probably heard of cases of pleasure during ear flushing, if not seen it themselves in clinical practice. They can give you medical level information about how to safely stimulate your ears, or at least reduce the risk of harm. If that’s too vulnerable for you, you might inquire about how to flush your ears at home safely. Good luck.

—Jessica Stoya

From: I Just Left Fundamentalist Christianity, and I Have … Some Questions About Men and Sex. (March 24, 2021).

Dear How to Do It,

Before the pandemic started, I finally came to terms with my near exclusive attraction to other women after two years of hooking up with men. I’m happy and confident with this transition, but I’ve encountered a new struggle in my sex life: I’m an average-height, 240-pound woman who wants to wrestle and be physically dominated in bed. Due to my size and people-pleasing nature, I usually get stuck in a more dominant position with my partners. I’m happy to please others, but I don’t get much personal satisfaction when I’m not restrained. This feels shitty to say when my date, while otherwise attractive, doesn’t have the physical means to hold me down. How can I communicate this desire with potential partners? Can I only date women bigger or stronger than me?

—Big Switch

Laura Helmuth Read More

Dear Switch,

The part of your message where you say you don’t get much direct satisfaction when you aren’t restrained feels pretty crucial. It’s OK to have specific sexual desires and to seek out partners who can and want to meet those desires. Your enjoyment and fulfillment are as important as your partners’ are. Meanwhile, it sounds like you do get something out of fulfilling your partners’ sexual desires, even when that requires taking the active or dominant role, and if that’s the case you should continue to do so to your heart’s content.

Taking turns, or switching (as your sign-off suggests) is a great instinct. You can satisfy your partner in the way that feels best for them, and then be satisfied in the way that feels best for you. The roles you play during sex are just that—roles. They can be as temporary as you want them to be, and you can switch them as desired.

Have you considered restraint with objects? Rope, cuffs, and tape are all popular options. The benefit of this kind of bondage is that it enables one person to restrain another regardless of how large or strong they are and for longer than human endurance lasts. If the restraints are thoroughly applied, you can pull and thrash against them in a way that you might be hesitant to with a person out of fear of hurting them. All of these methods require that your top be cautious about how tightly they’re restraining you and that you check in with your body yourself—specifically any restrained part—to make sure your circulation isn’t cut off. Bondage is inherently risky, and you’ll want to do some research before deciding if you’d like to try it. You’ll also want to be cautious with who you’re allowing to restrain you. Do you know them? Do they have experience and knowledge on mitigating the risks? Establish trust, rapport, and effective communication before proceeding with anything that you can’t immediately extricate yourself from.

You may be able to enjoy wrestling with people who aren’t as strong as you are by exercising your ability to pretend. Even with a person twice your size, you aren’t going to full-on fight them the way you would an attacker. There’s already an element of fantasy at work for this kind of interaction to be safe enough to engage in.

My two ideas might not work for you, and the answer might be that yes, you need to date women who are larger than you in order to fully enjoy partnered sex. If that’s the case, remember that your desires are OK. You can give yourself permission to seek out people who are able and want to meet your desires. Lots of people prefer certain body types or have a tendency toward certain physical characteristics. You get to have preferences too.

—J.S.

From: How Do I Tell My Partner I’m Scared of His Huge Penis? (April 06, 2021). 

Dear How to Do It,

For most of high school, I assumed that my hormones were just on backorder and that I was a really late bloomer. However, I’m in college now, and I’m realizing that I’m probably asexual but heteroromantic. It was a relief when I first found out this was “a thing”—I always felt self-conscious because I never really got the appeal of sex, and I thought there was something wrong with me. However, I’m starting to realize how incredibly hard it’s going to be to date guys. I’m not sex-repulsed, just kind of meh on the topic. I could foresee myself maybe having sex with someone if I really liked them, but that wouldn’t be for a very long time. All of that goes to say that I’m not sure how to date or even if it’s morally OK for me to date. It doesn’t seem fair to deprive someone of sex just because I’m not into it, and it’s pretty hard to find other people who have no particular interest in sex but still want a relationship. The only solution I can think of is maybe nonmonogamy, but I don’t know how I’d feel about that in a long-term relationship. I would love to get married someday, but I can’t see how that’s possible without sex. Do I just have to suck it up and realize that I can’t always get what I want, that dating this way isn’t fair to others, and throw myself into fulfilling friendships instead of love? Or is there some way for me to move around this?

—I’m Overthinking This, Right?

Dear Overthinking,

Yes, you’re overthinking this. I’m guessing that you’ve been through a large process of life planning recently—what you want to study, informed by what direction you want your career to take—and I’m wondering if you’re feeling pressure to figure out the romantic aspect of your life in the grand sense, too. If that’s the case, you might consider giving yourself a break. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. It seems like you’re currently borrowing a lot of frustration from your potential future self.

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You’re correct that the majority of people are allosexual—meaning they regularly experience sexual attraction. So yes, you’ll encounter more people who are frequently aroused than those who rarely or never want sex. The thing is that most of us allosexuals have criteria—based on sexual orientation, faith or political beliefs, and aesthetic preferences—that drastically narrow the field of possible mates. And a person being allosexual doesn’t necessarily mean that sex, or frequent sex, is something they require. It isn’t so much that you can’t always get what you want, as it is that—like most people—you’ll have to spend significant time looking. You’ll also probably experience rejection, disappointment, and hurt along the way. It’s part of the process.

If you’re up front with potential romantic partners, it’s their choice to be with you or not. That’s not deprivation, that’s honoring their agency in deciding which kinds of relationships they want to participate in.

I encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you do want out of a romantic relationship. What is your idea of marriage, and why do you want that? Is there something about the idea of nonmonogamy in a long-term relationship that feels scary or otherwise unacceptable? And what does romance look like for you? Is it giving each other flowers? Netflix and actually chill? What makes those things different from friendship? These are all things worth contemplating, without needing to have any answers or decisions right now.

—J.S.

From: My Wife Has Declared We Will Never Have Sex Again. (April 21, 2021).

More Advice From Slate

I have never really enjoyed sex in all the years I’ve been doing it and with all the partners I’ve had. I don’t feel horny, I don’t masturbate, and it doesn’t feel good to me. I’ve just always done it because that’s what you’re supposed to do in a relationship. As I get older, I find myself wanting to go along with it less and less. My partner has their “required minimum” times per week that is acceptable. Any less than that, they are miserable (their words). 

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