The letter writer's girlfriend, Bethany, gets drunk three to four times a month and initiates sex while intoxicated. The writer believes she cannot consent in this state and her subsequent belligerent behavior and memory loss is causing friction.
The advice columnist suggests a gentle approach rather than demands. The writer should explain how Bethany's drinking affects him and their relationship, emphasizing the jeopardized shared living situation and asking if she's open to changing her behavior. Active listening is also recommended.
The column highlights that the writer has the right to leave the relationship if the behavior doesn't change, and Bethany has the right to end the relationship as well. The columnist acknowledges that individuals with alcohol-related memory loss are often resistant to change.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,Â
There are times when I will come home to find my girlfriend, “Bethany,” drunk and wanting to have sex.
Help! My Daughter’s Widower Is About to Remarry. I Can’t Believe Who He Chose. My Neighbor’s Kids Are “Homeschooled.” Uh, I’m Not So Sure That’s Even True. Help! My Fiancé Took a DNA Test. Now I’m Considering Calling Off the Wedding. The Day Care Next Door Treats My Driveway Like a Drop-Off Zone. I’m Done Being Understanding.I, however, don’t feel comfortable doing this, as I believe someone who is intoxicated isn’t in a position to give consent, even with a partner. My refusals don’t sit well with her; she gets loud and belligerent before finally going to sleep it off. When she wakes up, she claims to have no memory of what occurred. Bethany doesn’t get loaded that often (only three to four times a month), but my patience with this behavior is running dry. Is this problem serious enough to warrant my demanding that she get some help?
—Sober Significant Other
Dear Sober Significant Other,
You’re within your rights, at any time and for any reason, to tell your partner that a behavior bothers you enough that you will leave if it doesn’t change. They’re also within their rights to tell you to pack their bags, or to pack their own, and end the relationship.
That said, people who wake up three to four times per month with no recollection of their behavior while drunk are often resistant to changing this habit. And, generally, demands aren’t the most diplomatic way to go. So if you’re hoping to preserve the relationship and encourage Bethany to consider her relationship with alcohol, you’ll want to take a more gentle approach. Let her know what effect her drinking has on you. Tell her the situation is jeopardizing your relationship and shared living situation. Ask her whether she’s open to shifting her behavior. Then listen, and go from there.
—Jessica
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