How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

For the past several years, things have not been going well in my marriage. My husband is increasingly only interested in his hobbies. We don’t converse much except about the kids and managing our household; we no longer do things together like we used to, and our sex life is non-existent. It’s been three years since we slept together.

A month ago, I ran into a man I used to date in college, “Damian,” while at the grocery store. We decided to go over to Starbucks to catch up. I learned that Damian is divorced with a daughter who will be graduating from high school in June and moved to my city six months ago. It turns out that the spark between us is still there; we’ve been meeting up for sex at his place since that day at least twice a week.

I’m not sure if I should continue on with my marriage and see Damian on the side or simply end the marriage altogether. My husband is oblivious to what we’ve been doing. The only thing is that our youngest has two years to go before they graduate from high school, and I don’t want to upend their life with a divorce. Then again, I’m not sure my husband would even care about what Damian and I are doing, and I do enjoy our home and the financial security. After our youngest is off to college in the fall, should I confess to my affair with Damian and ask for a divorce, or should I ask my husband for an open marriage?

—Can I Have It Both Ways?

Dear Both Ways,

You can, in theory, have it both ways, and you can certainly try to make that happen here. The opening-up conversation is much easier to have when it isn’t being driven by an ethical violation, though. You might have a more effective conversation if you start it by talking about non-monogamy in a more general manner. Lay down the facts: You simply aren’t having sex, and you want to do something about that. You want to stay together, but you also want to experience others. At the very least, this kind of introduction to the subject will take your husband’s temperature and give you a sense of how to proceed. There is a possible version of this conversation where he doesn’t ask many questions and, in fact, says he doesn’t want to know what you’re doing outside of the marriage. The situation still wouldn’t be strictly ethical (what you have done with Damian is still cheating), but that timeline would allow you to continue to pursue sex with your college buddy with the least amount of emotional fallout.

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But don’t lie. If your husband asks you if you have anyone in mind or if you’ve already crossed the line, tell him you have. You don’t have to share all the details, but if you want to be ethical about this, which is what such a conversation telegraphs, then you must act ethically.

With all this said, I wonder how such a conversation will go given the state of things in your relationship. The non-monogamy discussion can be challenging even for couples whose members are on very good terms communicatively and sexually. Perhaps he will display the apathy you expect, and everything will go down easily. But this may dredge up feelings for you both that have been previously easy to ignore or difficult to detect. It’s a big step for most, unsatisfying union or not. You might do better with a couples counselor (one who specifically has a background in ethical non-monogamy). Also, keep in mind that the opening-up conversation is often actually a series of conversations, so be willing to put in the time and effort and try not to get frustrated.

—Rich

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