How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a 26-year-old woman and have been dating “Kyle,” who is 28, for about eight months. Like all partners of people who write to advice columns, he’s perfect except for one thing.

He likes to call me degrading names during sex. He never does this at other times, in fact, he’s incredibly sweet, considerate, affectionate, and respectful. He claims it just pops out when he’s aroused and not thinking. He apologizes but then does it again, and again, and again. Kyle says all his past girlfriends were turned on by being called these kinds of names. He can’t seem to understand why I’m not only not turned on, but actually hate it.

The thing is, Kyle is a super hot guy who always dated super hot girls in the past. While I’m not ugly, I am definitely more plain-looking. I’ve tried to explain that his past girlfriends probably felt like they’d always been put on a pedestal because of their looks, and were turned on by feeling a little degraded for a change. Whereas I have always felt a little devalued because I’m not hot, and would be more turned on by feeling treasured and worshiped. Kyle, however, refuses to acknowledge any discrepancy between his previous girlfriends and me. Which in a way is sweet, but also prevents him from understanding the difference between their desires and mine. Outside the bedroom, it’s clear he treasures me, but he can’t seem to attempt any sexy talk along those lines without turning it into a joke, which makes me feel even worse. I’m about ready to put a shock collar on him and just not let him say a word during sex. Any other suggestions?

—Sweetheart, Not Slut

Dear Not,

My In-Laws Have the Most Infuriating Habit With the Bill at Restaurants. So I Decided to Put a Stop to It. Help! Our New Neighbors Have a Bizarre “Request.” It Has to Do With Our Cooking. Help! My Mom Refuses to Get My Fiancé’s Name Right. Help! My Parents Are Rethinking Their Relationship. It Puts Me in a Terrible Position.

You’re telling your boyfriend, over and over, that you don’t want him to degrade you, and he keeps doing it. His premise is that arousal prevents him from remembering your boundaries. You’ve tried explaining why it doesn’t work for you. Your shock collar comment connotes that you’re fed up. Well, I’m fed up on your behalf after two paragraphs.

Regardless of whether you’re hot or not (something which is actually highly subjective, and complicated by several possible barriers to understanding what we, ourselves, truly look like), there are people out there who will be affectionate, considerate, respectful, and sweet to you all of the time. There are people who will respect your sexual boundaries, and even cater wholeheartedly to your preferences. Eight months isn’t long, and even if it were, you should be wary of the sunk cost fallacy.

If you want to give him one last chance, be really clear that he can either figure out how to transfer his skills in treating you with human decency into the bedroom or start grieving the loss of your relationship.

—Jessica

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I’ve been married to my husband for over a year and am deeply in love with him. He makes me feel wonderful and loved despite my insecurities and makes me feel secure in my femininity (I’m a trans woman, so I’m often insecure about this.) My problem is that we have had discussions about opening our sex lives. I’ve had sex with every mutual friend we’ve had before we got married and he has always wanted to experience sex with others. I was wary—as the main person he wanted to sleep with is a cis woman and I felt some immediate insecurities surrounding that—but agreed to let him if the chance struck.