How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have been together 15 years, and our sex life has gone a little backward in the last year or two—less frequency, less spontaneity. Our communication about sex is so-so; she expresses a willingness to talk, but when we are in the conversation, she struggles. She told me six months ago that she was interested in getting a vibrator because she had read and heard that it could be good as a pre-menopausal woman who just isn’t as easily aroused as before. I encouraged this—sent a couple of links and said I would be excited if she ever thought it would be hot to use together. I asked a couple of times if she was buying one, and she said no, awkwardly, and I stopped asking because I didn’t want her to feel self conscious.

Well, fast forward a bit. My wife has a vibrator, hidden in a small bag on the floor of our bedroom closet. I was not on some scavenger hunt—I saw the bag while scooping up laundry and looked inside. I thought, “Oh wow, interesting.” And clearly she is embarrassed to tell me. But now that I know what that bag is and where it is, I can now see it move around. It changes positions. It can’t be missed, it’s on the floor tucked away and I am sure she doesn’t want me to see it, but it’s not stored in a box or something—I can’t unsee it! And damned if that thing doesn’t move every single day! It’s been three months and we are having sex less frequently, and meanwhile she is using the vibrator every day, and I don’t know how or whether to talk about it. “Honey, I found your vibrator and I know you rub one out every day” doesn’t seem wise, but I feel like I’m married to a stranger in some ways. At the end of the day what I care about is my sex life with her, not hers with herself but they seem connected. Should I say or do anything about this?

—Flummoxed By the Moving Bag

Dear Flummoxed By the Moving Bag,

She already has expressed finding discussing sex difficult, so it’s best for you not to push it. When pursuing this topic, tread lightly and back off to give her needed space. But I don’t think you have to avoid conversations on this matter entirely. After all, you did have a conversation about a vibrator and she’s not doing a very good job of hiding the one that she bought. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to say to her, “I noticed that you went ahead and bought the toy we were talking about.” And then let the conversation unfold from there—if she wants to talk about it, great. If she doesn’t, let her have her thing. Contrary to what you wrote, the generous move here is to care about her sex life with herself insofar as her self-satisfaction makes you happy, because it feels good when our partners feel good.

I think the only other thing you could contribute to the conversation is offering, again, to help/use it with her if she’s interested. Maybe she would enjoy using it during sex with you, as many people do. If you’re open to that, you can say it, but again, use a light hand. The idea is to open communication by affirming, but don’t intimidate or overwhelm. That will only be counterproductive.

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Dear How to Do It,

I am a 40-year-old man and have been single for a few years. I masturbate pretty much every day, and sometimes even twice a day. I take self-pleasure seriously, watch porn, and sometimes use toys, often have edging sessions that go on for an hour or more. I am quite happy with my sex life. The problem arises when I have to go a few days without masturbating, for whatever reason. Mentally, I am fine, I don’t have a compulsion to masturbate and I am content to take a break. But physically, there’s a problem.

When I go even two days without masturbating, I start feeling this uncomfortable and sometimes painful pressure building up either in my balls or (more often) in the flesh in front of the pubic bone, just above the base of the penis. This painful pressure gets much worse if I get an erection, even briefly. The only way to release it is to, well, release it, and then I’m fine. This may not be the worst problem to have, but it’s a bit concerning: What if I have to go a week or two or more without sexual release, for some reason? Have I trained my body into NEEDING daily orgasms? What, if anything, should I do?

—Couldn’t Stop If I Wanted To

Dear Couldn’t Stop If I Wanted To,

What you describe sounds like epididymal hypertension, also known as blue balls. According to this Men’s Health deep dive on the condition (and the way it’s been used to manipulate others—more on that in a second), the pain you describe is thought to result from a build-up of blood in the genital area from arousal without orgasm. What you’re feeling after those two days may be the result of unused erections (in daily life and sleep). It doesn’t result from any kind of self-“training”; more likely, it’s just how you’re wired. You can guess from the informal name that most people experience this feeling in their testicles, though in literature it’s often mentioned that it can affect the surrounding area. Still, painful erections could also be a sign of other conditions like Peyronie’s disease or fractures. It’s worth visiting a urologist to make sure everything is OK down there.

As a concept, blue balls has been associated with coercion and pressure on partners—“If I don’t have sex, I’ll be in pain,” being used as an excuse to manipulate the less than enthusiastically consenting. It doesn’t sound like this aspect of blue balls is relevant to your situation, but all conversations about blue balls should acknowledge this aspect of its cultural misuse. So there you go.

Generally, the guidance for ameliorating blue balls is ejaculating—something you have handy knowledge of. Your fear of being in a situation in which you have to go a week or two without release is anxiety over an unrealistic scenario. Tease it out a little bit: What could possibly prevent you from going that long without coming? Even in prison, where people are stripped of their dignity and many of their basic rights, there’s nutting all over the place. If you found yourself somehow in tight, shared quarters, well, there’s always the bathroom. I don’t imagine this fear will ever be realized. Just keep stroking and you’ll be fine.

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Dear How to Do It,

I know you often recommend meditation. Can you give any more in depth tips about that? I’m a pansexual person in a long-term relationship with someone I deeply love. They don’t want to open it up, and I’ve decided the emotional and relationship reasons I want to stay outweigh the desire to have sex with other genders and other people. I often find myself noticing and jealous of other people making out in bars or my friends in open relationships though. I’m not very pretty and have strong resting bitch face, but somehow I still get hit on an average amount, and every time I politely redirect, I feel a pang of what could have been. Even if it’s clear to me I would never have wanted whoever it was. I’ve been open in other relationships and been single and slutty so I actively know that the process of finding a safe stranger who can actually spark for good sex is harder and messier than it can look. I sometimes fantasize about strangers if I’m masturbating alone, which feels acceptable. But otherwise I want to be in the moment with my excellent, sweet and loving partner. How do I stay there?

—Meditation Blues

Dear Meditation Blues,

I love that you jumped to where I would have gone anyway by asking specifically for meditation tips. It feels nice to be understood. The eternal caveat here is that some people aren’t going to be able to meditate away their vexing thoughts—OCD and other mental health conditions will present a challenge that may be better handled via therapeutic methods like cognitive behavioral therapy, for example. But yours seems like a fairly manageable situation and I’m aligned with your thinking. Meditation is at least worth considering here.

There are so many ways to do it, but where I usually come from is the simple place of attempting to keep my mind clear for whatever period of time I decide to meditate (it’s generally 20 minutes—the uninitiated may want to work their way up, starting with five-minute increments or even lower). Choose a time when you aren’t particularly distracted and a place that is relatively quiet. I often use headphones and listen to ambient music (I make running yearly playlists of the albums that I find well suited for meditation; here’s 2023’s). If you can’t achieve clarity on command (few can), the goal is to recognize when you’re lost in thought and pivot—attempt to cast out said thought by refocusing. To stay on task, many pay attention to their breath (thinking “in” upon inhaling and “out” upon exhaling and/or counting your breaths). Apps like Headspace and Waking Up provide guided meditations that can be useful—the former is particularly well-suited for beginners. I don’t do mantras but, obviously, many find them useful as well. You could look into a more formal practice like Transcendental Meditation for more structured guidance. My big challenge now is to achieve clarity through no effort at all—I’m trying not to even push away thoughts but to immediately return to mental blankness as soon as I notice I’m adrift, like a switch flipping.

Slate Crossword: “Renaissance” Woman, to Fans (Three Letters)

The hope is that you’re building your mind/awareness up like a muscle that allows you to identify unwanted thoughts and change course. Some things you’ll find are unavoidable, but little by little I have noticed that I can tell myself, “Stop thinking that way,” and it’s often effective. It’s a practice, not an expertise. It’s actually an endless process and something that really benefits from dedication. I try to do it every day—it seems like I always should have at least 20 minutes to dedicate to myself and my mind and I do my damnedest to make that so. Good luck!

—Rich

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