How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I am a straight woman in my early 40s with a long history of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem that have led to a lot of hang-ups about my body and sex. I gave up trying to have relationships 10 years ago after a number of bad experiences and was completely celibate for eight years. I recently decided to try the sex part again at least and have found an affectionate and considerate guy to have good no-strings sex with.

Having sex again has been hard on my body—I keep getting UTIs despite doing all the right things and the first time was like being a virgin all over again. But now I am having a whole different problem. The guy I am sleeping with really enjoys when women orgasm and I have never orgasmed with a partner. I enjoy sex but have never orgasmed through penetrative sex, oral, or from fingering and I am not comfortable masturbating in front of a partner as I have to rub my clitoris on against something soft to get off—I don’t want someone watching me humping something! Orgasming with a partner seems like such a basic thing and is something I’d like to experience but I am stuck. Do you have any suggestions or something else I could try?

—Can’t Come

Dear Can’t Come,

Definitely talk to your gynecologist about the UTIs you’ve been experiencing. Give the doctor as much of your sexual timeline as you’ve given here—no partnered sex for several years with no UTIs, recurring UTIs since starting partnered sex again—along with descriptions of any UTI problems you may have had before you took that break from sex. They may be able to find and treat a cause, or suggest a non-antibiotic or antibiotic preventative regimen to follow.

I Own an Upscale Restaurant. I Want to Institute a Ban That Could Anger My Customers. My Husband and I Were Struggling to Conceive. Then He Slept With My Sister. That’s Not Even Close to the Worst Part. We Have a Totally Reasonable Sleepover Policy. One Family Seems Intent on Breaking It. Help! My Family Was Right About My Ex. I Learned the Truth When I Found a Tracker in My Bag.

I want you to know that rubbing the clitoris or pubic bone against something soft is a relatively common method of reaching orgasm, which is rarely depicted in media because it simply isn’t as cinematic and dramatic as the woman on her back with fingers or a vibrator—much less the visceral action of a dildo thrusting in and out, regardless of how rare it is for women to orgasm from penetration alone. That said, you’ve got a boundary about reaching orgasm that way in front of a partner, and all boundaries are valid, including, specifically, this one that you have.

You might gently place your fingers over the top part of your vulva, or ask your partner to cup your vulva with flat fingers, and grind against that. If you’re comfortable, you also might sit on your partner’s face and, effectively, hump that—never in my vast sexual experience have I ever had a partner take issue with face humping, except for when I hit their nose the wrong way with my pubic bone. You also might consider experimenting, on your own or with a partner, with vibrators—specifically ones with big surface areas at the active end, and, ideally, which might be possible to wrap in something soft.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

My wife and I have been together 15 years, and our sex life has gone a little backward in the last year or two—less frequency, less spontaneity. Our communication about sex is so-so; she expresses a willingness to talk, but when we are in the conversation, she struggles. She told me six months ago that she was interested in getting a vibrator because she had read and heard that it could be good as a pre-menopausal woman who just isn’t as easily aroused as before. I encouraged this—sent a couple of links and said I would be excited if she ever thought it would be hot to use together. I asked a couple of times if she was buying one, and she said no, awkwardly, and I stopped asking because I didn’t want her to feel self conscious.