How This Has Affected My Work Life

I was still reacting to criticism as if it might lead to abandonment, still planning excessively as if unpredictability meant danger, still keeping people at arm’s length as if closeness inevitably led to hurt.

These responses had served their purpose once — they’d helped me cope with genuinely difficult situations. But being unable to distinguish between actual threats and day-to-day interactions is exhausting.

Especially when these miscommunications lead to workplace hardships. Passed up opportunities, skipped after-work social activities, remaining stuck in an unfulfilling position from fear of being rejected if I went for the job I really wanted.

The Uncomfortable Work of Unlearning

I asked my therapist what it means to live by these coping mechanisms. If I’ve thought, my whole life, that these mechanisms are a part of my personality, then who am I really, when those have been stripped back?

“That’s exactly the right question,” she said. “And discovering the answer is part of healing.”

The process of understanding and separating your personal preferences and traits from protective mechanisms can feel disorienting, but ultimately leads to greater understanding and the ability to choose who you want to be.

I’ve come to understand that healing doesn’t mean eliminating these responses entirely — some may always be part of my psychological makeup. And maybe that’s a good thing.

But awareness creates mindfulness and the space to ask: Is this reaction serving me now? Do I want to respond differently? What would that look like?

A Work in Progress

I’ve come to realise that these coping mechanisms both are and aren’t “me.” They’re a part of me in the sense that they’ve become integrated into my functioning and influenced how I interact with and understand the world.

In other words, they’re (for better or worse) the threads in the fabric of my story. But I no longer have to let them define the entirety of who I am or who I might become.

This perspective offers a middle ground between two extremes: seeing ourselves as permanently damaged by past experiences and letting that impact our future, or dismissing the real impact those experiences had on our development and moving forward.

As most people, I still struggle with criticism sometimes. I still over-plan and keep people at a safe distance when I’m feeling vulnerable.

But increasingly, I can notice these responses as they arise and gently remind myself: “This is how I learned to stay safe. But I don’t have to do that anymore.”

We are always changing, always capable of redefining who we are.

The traits I once thought defined me are neither permanent flaws nor permanent characteristics — they’re simply well-worn paths my mind learned to travel.

And with awareness, compassion, and practice, new paths can be created. As a result, I no longer have to limit my possibilities, in my personal or my work life.

After all, if my brain was clever enough to develop these intricate protective mechanisms in the first place, I like to imagine what it might be capable of now, with conscious intention and a bit more confidence.