Do you have friends with money? Or maybe you are the one who has more money than your mates. Wealth inequality can put a serious strain on relationships, even if nobody wants to talk about it. When family and friends come together to bond through holidays, dining out or to celebrate events in each others’ lives, money can be thrown into sharp relief.

If you’re the one who consciously skips the round of €14 aperitifs and the “€10 supplement” mains, but find yourself splitting the bill for others’ artisan table water, steaks and pricey wine, it can feel like staying in the group means keeping schtum. Or maybe you’re the one sharing a bed on the budget, three-star friends’ weekend away when you can well afford more. You’re probably keeping quiet too. Being with family, friends or partners can make a serious dent in one person’s budget while causing barely a ripple for another. It’s easy to see how money, and having more or less of it, can put pressure on relationships. We spoke to eight people living around Ireland about how the wealth and wages gap impacts their relationships with family and friends.

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‘The masculinity thing is a big piece’

James (37) works in media and lives with his wife. He earns €42,000. His wife works as a communications director and earns €80,000

The gap between James’s income and that of his wife has increased over recent years “due to the changes in media and the lack of opportunities”, he explains. “I’ve never been particularly macho or particularly blokey in any of my outlooks,” he says. Being the lower earner “doesn’t emasculate me in any way”. “We’re a partnership. We sit down and do a budget, and she might pay more.”

But he does feel he has to make up for it. “I definitely feel she’s helping me pay half the mortgage. She’s doing more than her fair share financially, so I’ll do the washing, I’ll do the gardening, I’ll do the dinners as much as I can. I’ll do the house-y bits to carry my weight in other ways.”

James is particularly conscious of the gap between their earnings when it comes to holidays and socialising. “When we go anywhere, she’s always the one [to pay], a few bob for a hotel or whatever else. I try and put as much aside as I can, but you do get that feeling of ‘I wish I could do more here’.” The couple talk openly about finances. They are supportive of each other’s career choices. “It’s a passion thing. We can’t help this drive we have to work in a particular field.

“But I would say ‘I’m feeling terrible that I can’t go halves on this’. Or, ‘When I pick up that big gig, I’ll pay you back.’ She’s very good, she’d never chase me on it. But it is something that I’m aware of. “The masculinity thing is a big piece. I think that’s changed a lot for guys my age and under. That 35-40 age block, our dads were the strong, silent type. The macho male provider type. And the guys coming behind us are more emotional. We’re caught in this middle ground.”

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Money talks?

Ask people in Ireland how much they earn and they probably won’t tell you. More than 70 per cent of us don’t talk about our finances at all, according to Bank of Ireland research. Money is on a par with sex and religion and topped only by death on the list of things we find it hard to talk about, according to the bank’s 2021 survey of 1,000 people. Talking about salary makes them squirm, a quarter of respondents said. Almost 39 per cent of us said we fear judgment from friends and even family when talking about our finances.

Some families will have more means to support their children than others. The significant advantages of this can come home to roost in the early milestones of adult life. Family money can smooth the path for those starting out, widening gaps between peers. Parental help towards rent, a first car, or the expectation of an inheritance can mean some will feel they have more “fiscal space” than others.

“One friend can think this is going to be my fairy-tale wedding, but attending can put a huge amount of pressure on a guest who really doesn’t have access to the same resources,” says Dr Sarah Cassidy, Psychological Society of Ireland president-elect. A two-day affair in a fancy hotel means transport, accommodation, clothing, spending money and a gift.

[ How do you know if you are comparatively wealthy?Opens in new window ]

“If you are a person who comes from resources, you probably have a lot of ways to solve that problem,” says Dr Cassidy. “There can be an attitude of: ‘Well, figure it out,’ from friends who have financial backup. “People just know their own experience, and feel that their experience is the norm.”

Housing, and the cost of it, has a lot to answer for when it comes to how people in Ireland feel about money. Help from the bank of Mum and Dad can open a significant and long-lasting wealth gap among peers. A third of mortgage broker Doddl.ie clients receive parental gifts when buying a home, chief executive Martina Hennessy has said. Almost 85 per cent of those gifts were under the €100,000 threshold, with an average gift of €27,000. But that means 15 per cent received a gift that was in excess of €100,000.

If you are surfing the waves of house shares until you can scrape together a first home deposit, you will be experiencing money as a far more limited resource than friends who are getting a leg-up.

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‘If he damages his car, he just buys a new one’

Carmel (40) is self employed lives with her husband and children. She earns €35,000. One of her siblings earns €70,000. The other earns significantly more

Carmel is one of three siblings. There’s an income gap between Carmel and her sister, but that “never creates an issue” she says. However, the difference between the two sisters and their brother is a “full-on wealth gap”. And “there’s no self-awareness”.

“There’s pay gaps and then there’s living on different planets,” she says. Carmel’s brother doesn’t live close by, but she says when he’s around the family get a taste of what it’s like to live with him. “It’s very interesting to watch,” she says, describing a family day out. “We bring the bag and we have all the stuff, and we have the water bottles and the snacks and a change of clothes. They go on the same day out with us and their hands are hanging. They just have one thing, money. They’ll just hand someone €60 for bottles of water. If their child gets dirty, they buy a new outfit.” Her brother lives in a large house. He and his wife drive top-of-the-range sports cars. Their children attend private schools. They dine, with their young children, in exclusive venues.

“He’s just oblivious. He would come home and not absorb that we’re all different now,” she says. “People say money can’t buy you happiness, but he is significantly less worried. Everything is replaceable. If he damages his car, he just gets a new one. No big deal. Nothing’s a big deal. And that is what causes a little edge between us siblings. Because there are big deals for us.”

Carmel has sought to end reciprocal present buying with her brother and his wife, after she received gifts that had cost hundreds of euro, which she could not afford to match. “It’s not the thought that counts,” she says.

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Earnings inequality

If people in Ireland were to tell you how much they earn, you’d get a wide range of answers, says Dr Aedín Doris, associate professor of economics at Maynooth University. “We have very high gross earnings inequality in Ireland – it is one of the highest in the OECD.” Average earnings in Ireland are about €50,000, according to Central Statistics Office (CSO) figures for 2024. The top 10 per cent earn €102,000 or more annually, and about 1 per cent earn €290,000 or more.

[ Ireland’s income gap widens over the past decade, CSO figures showOpens in new window ]

Such is their contribution to taxes and the economy, it can feel like having a high-paying multinational job is the only work that matters in this country. Indeed, these jobs account for a third of the €111 billion paid in wages across the economy, according to an ESRI report published in 2023. About half of the €37 billion that multinationals pay in wages is from US-owned companies.

These jobs provide good earnings all right, but household income differs from earnings. It takes into account taxes and transfers too, and this can paint a different picture.“There is a narrative out there that there is very high income inequality in Ireland and it’s not true. It’s very average, because we have a very, very progressive tax and benefits system,” says Dr Doris. “If you are living in Ireland and you are on relatively low earnings, what would be regarded as middling earnings in a lot of countries, you don’t pay tax at all,” she says. “The taxes are very concentrated at the upper end of the distribution.”

The higher rate of income tax for a single person kicks in for those earning more than €44,000. For married couples with two incomes, it’s up to €88,000. The gap between how much income you have and how much you think a friend or family member in a higher paid job has may not be as wide as you think.

“The gap in gross earnings will look quite big, but the gap in net earnings will look smaller,” says Dr Doris. “And when you take benefits into account, which is what you do when you look at household income, the difference is going to be smaller again.” But as the ability to borrow for a first home banks on four times’ gross salary, that can be the only number that matters to some.

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‘People don’t realise the value of looking after kids’

Aaron (41) is a musician lives with his wife and three children and earns €35,000. His wife works as a pharmacist and earns €80,000

Aaron’s mother was often the main earner in his household growing up, which he says means he never felt a pressure, as the man, to earn more. “Everything is still done equally between us,” he explains, with Aaron spending more time taking care of their children, because of his working hours. There are some occasions where he feels his lower income comes into play. “She doesn’t see the value in spending on a car,” he says. “I can help her choose a car, but it’s still her car and her choice. So, it comes down to what she wants and what she can afford.”

Aaron feels he’s viewed differently by others as the lower earner. “Things like going for a mortgage. You might as well go in and say you are a clown as say you’re self-employed,” he says. “When we got the mortgage, they basically wrote me off. It was like, ‘well, she has got the real job’. People don’t realise the value of staying at home and looking after the kids. I didn’t realise it ... until I did it.”

He believes there’s still a view, among older men in particular, than men should be the providers. “Older lads will say, ‘you’ve it handy staying at home looking after children’. They would still have that mentality. It’s probably going to be there forever because of that whole new toxic masculinity thing coming in now, it’s reinforcing that crap.”

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Degrees of money

One of the main determinants of earnings is education. It’s not just having a degree that matters, but what you studied. “In general, the better-paid fields tend to be courses with higher points,” says Dr Doris. “We know kids from better-off backgrounds get higher points because of all the advantages their parents can give them, so there is that self-perpetuation going on.”

Private education, tutoring and educational experiences can better position a child for entry to a high-points, high-earning degree. Connections can grease the career path of the most average student. Aside from family resources, of course aptitude in a sought-after discipline can mean good earnings too. The IT sector had the highest average salary at €69,050, according to IrishJobs.ie figures for 2024. This was followed by construction (€63,502), finance (€63,165) and engineering (€59,808). Employees in the legal sector had an average salary of €56,232. By contrast, those working in cleaning-related occupations (€27,719) earned the lowest average salary.

Head of finance roles, at an average €90,798, were paid the highest. This was closely followed by senior quantity surveyors (€90,207). Roles in the pharmaceutical and IT sector made up the remaining five most highly paid professions. The total income of the richest 20 per cent was almost four times that of the poorest 20 per cent, unchanged from last year and indicating a continued gap, according to the CSO’s Survey of Income and Living Conditions published last month. The 10 per cent of households with the lowest disposable income had an average disposable income of €309 per week. That compared with €3,257 per week for households at the other end of the scale.

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‘A round of cocktails scares the s**t out of me’

Rachel (50) works in administration lives with her husband and two children. She earns €20,000 per year. Her husband works in hospitality and earns €60,000

Rachel used to earn €70,000 in a previous role. “It used to be me who was the breadwinner at home. But now it’s my husband,” she says. She finds the shift in dynamic difficult. “The only person who’s accepting of that is my husband. He doesn’t earn a huge amount. He’s on a very modest salary. But he is constantly encouraging me [and checking] if I need anything.”

The couple have a joint account for the mortgage, bills and food. “My husband pays in a hell of a lot more. The roles have reversed.” She has no disposable income any more. “I now have to think twice about buying those shoes, or that bag,” in spite of her husband’s encouragement.

“I’m still the same sociable person. I’m still in the same friend network. However, my salary has completely changed.” Her friends don’t necessarily recognise her different means, she feels. “I don’t think it even comes into their psyche. That if they have the disposable income, why shouldn’t everyone else have it?” Many of her friends drive expensive cars and their children attend private schools. “They don’t have to budget,” Rachel says. “A round of cocktails scares the s**t out of me.”

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Household composition

Whatever your earnings, household composition will make a big difference to how much money you have left at the end of the month. If the things that are going up in price affect your household and not your colleagues, for example, then you are going to feel a lot worse off, says Dr Doris. “Kids are really expensive. We have a reasonably generous child-benefit system compared to other countries, but a really weak system of childcare subsidies.”

Ireland ranks second highest in Europe in relation to childcare costs as a share of average wages, according to the OECD. Working parents will have to budget for the median €760 a month for a full-time childcare place, according to figures from Pobal. The median in Dún Laoghaire-Rathdown is €1,063 a month. This makes a big dent on disposable income. “If you have kids in that age range, it’s crippling,” says Dr Doris. Money worries can be camouflaged from family and neighbours by traditional middle-class markers.

Indeed, the profile of callers to St Vincent de Paul (SVP) is changing, says Louise Bayliss, head of social justice and policy at SVP. The charity received 250,000 requests for help last year. More than 26,000 of them were from people who had never contacted the society before, says Bayliss.

[ St Vincent de Paul prepares for record number of calls over financial hardship in 2024Opens in new window ]

“We are seeing people who have a mortgage; they are paying for childcare, they may need a car for work and they are struggling to make ends meet,” says Bayliss. “Typically they would have been the people donating to us rather than needing the help, and that is very hard for them to accept.” People hanging up is common because of the shame and stigma about having to make that first call, says Bayliss. Volunteers going into houses report a hidden poverty that neighbours may not be aware of. “Houses might have a car or two cars in the drive because they have young children and they need them for work reasons and to get to creche, but they are just not making ends meet,” says Bayliss.

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‘I thought I would have my own house at this point’

Melissa (35) works in retail and earns €1,850 a month. Her friends are in much higher paying jobs which allow them to travel, and in many cases buy a home

“All these people I know are doing all these lovely things”, Melissa explains. She says she didn’t look to other careers in her youth because of mental health struggles. Her friends “can afford holidays during the year”, she says. Melissa managed to go on holidays two years ago with her boyfriend, but it took a long time saving to be able to afford it. “I thought I would have my own house at this point.”

Melissa says she’s on “the social housing list”. It’s the only way she sees herself being able to get her own house. She would like to have a family like some of her friends. “I’m nervous of my biological clock running out”, she admits. “As we don’t have our own place yet it’s hard to plan when we can have a baby”.

When friends’ weddings come around she worries about the cost of attending. She recalls one, saying “the only reason I ended up being able to afford it is because of Covid. She had to keep pushing the date back so it gave me more time to save”. “Even looking for a dress to wear to the wedding – what might seem like a small thing or not such a big deal to other people, for me it was ‘where am I going to get the money for that?’

“Because it all adds up, and then you’re getting your hair done, and you have to find appropriate shoes to wear”. Melissa believes “the Government could do something differently” to help people like her.

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The CSO measure of enforced deprivation uncovers the things a household cannot afford that for others are the norm. These include being unable to afford a get-together with family or friends for a drink or meal once a month, being unable to afford to keep their home adequately warm, or unable to afford two pairs of properly fitting shoes.

While figures show an overall drop in the percentage of people living in enforced deprivation, some households remain particularly affected: those living in single-adult households with children under 18 (46.3 per cent); unable to work due to long-standing health problems (38.5 per cent); unemployed (37.8 per cent); and those living in rented or rent-free accommodation (31.5 per cent), were most likely to experience enforced deprivation in 2024.

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‘My partner is an only child and due a big inheritance’

Susan (37) works in healthcare and lives with her partner and child. She earns €48,000. Her partner earns €68,000

“We come from very different financial backgrounds and that has created challenges in how we view spending,” Susan explains of the couple’s situation. The couple split the mortgage equally and Susan’s partner pays for more of the bills. “That in itself can make it feel like I’m not contributing to the same degree.”

She finds it difficult to save. “If there was an emergency and I needed something, my partner would absolutely help me. But let’s say I saw nice shoes. I might have to wait for pay-day to buy them, whereas my partner could easily buy things like that for themselves.”

Her partner has made “mindless remarks” which have embarrassed her in front of others. “I was going to do something and they were like ‘do you have enough money now?’ or ‘do you need me to pay for that?’ I’d be more financially cautious, but my partner would be more elaborate with spending. It becomes more apparent when it comes to things like gifts, or discretionary expenses.” She thinks about their future finances, too. “My partner is an only child. So, they would be due a big inheritance in time ... whereas I’m not, and there’s not the same level [of familial wealth] at all. I’d never think of inheritance, whereas my partner would.”

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Generational divide

For “boomer” parents who own their own home and adult children struggling to afford one, the topic of money can hang awkwardly between them. “Should I charge my adult child rent?” It’s a relatively new problem-page query from parents.

About 68 per cent of people aged between 25 and 29 in Ireland still live at home, according to Eurostat, the statistical body of the European Union. This figure is nearly 26 per cent higher than the EU average of 42.1. “Despite record employment levels, too many young adults in Ireland today are barely getting by,” Labour Party leader Ivana Bacik has said. “They are working hard, paying taxes and contributing to society, yet for far too many, Ireland feels like no country for young people.”

[ Young Irish ‘failing to launch adult lives’: 68% of people in late 20s still living with parentsOpens in new window ]

Their grandparents and parents by contrast can appear comfortable. The boomer generation, aged between 61 and 79, and the “builders”, aged over 80, have accumulated €295 billion in assets such as property, pensions and shares, according to a recent report by Goodbody published this month. About €201 billion of this is tied up in housing, with another €51 billion on deposit. Some of their children and grandchildren are finding it impossible to save for a mortgage and pay rent, however. Many are certainly priced out of the neighbourhoods in which their parents bought a home with seeming ease.

“I think a lot of what’s going on with people’s dissatisfaction is to do with the housing market, and not really to do with the earnings or income distribution or the wealth distribution,” says Dr Doris. “If you can’t leave your parents’ home because rent is exorbitant, or you can’t buy your own home because you can’t get a mortgage, and even if you could get a mortgage, you can’t find anywhere affordable, that’s going to make people feel really unhappy.”

Alison says “even if we didn’t do those nice holidays, and buy the €4 coffee, people don’t even think that would even help, or contribute in any meaningful way to being able to afford to put a deposit on a mortgage. It just feels so out of reach”, which is why, she explains young people take the view of “well, I’m going to enjoy my morning coffee. I’m not going to not go on holiday for the years in my 20s, when you have the least responsibilities you’re going to have”.

Contributing to group presents that her wealthier peers can afford had also proven difficult, she explains, recalling a time a multiple-part thank you gift was being purchased by a group of her friends. “I said, ‘listen I’m all for getting gifts and being very grateful….but I can’t afford to spend 50 pounds”. It used to be a given that you could afford to buy a home on a teacher’s salary. Doing so in Leinster these days can be impossible. This is evident from the 3,000 vacancies in primary schools, most of them in the Dublin, Wicklow and Kildare areas.

“A lot of jobs that have grown in the economy in the last 20 or 30 years tend to be in multinational companies and they pay very well,” says Doris. “So though [more traditional professions] have relatively good jobs, they are not as close to the top of the distribution as they used to be.” Goodbody predicts a “great transfer of wealth” to the next generation over the coming two decades. This may come too late for Gen Y and Gen Z.

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‘Granny says I have a lavish lifestyle’

Alison (25), from Ireland, is currently in London studying for PhD. Her stipend is £26,000. Her friends in Ireland, also in their 20s, earn more than her and typically still live at home with their parents.

Alison knew in undertaking a PhD what the stipend would be, she says, but with bills to pay she notices a big difference between what she can do and what her friends who still live at home can afford to do. “I feel like there’s a lack of understanding, because I feel in Dublin the expectation is that there is not really the same pressure to move out of home any more, because everyone understands the housing crisis is so hard for young people”. In fact, she says “it’s almost alien to my friends to move out in Dublin”.

Alison says in moving out of home she was facing the “adult normal day-to-day expenses, rent, bills and all of that... and be still able to play in the same field as my friends.” She says for Irish friends who have moved to London too, many of them are working in finance or law and earning “€60,000, €80,000 sometimes up to €100,000. When you’re out with those people, yes you’re all in the same age bracket. You’re going to the same places. But there is this massive gap in terms of what their expectations of a nice lunch, or an evening out is, versus yours”.

She feels the parents of her generation understand, but the one up from that, the grandparents’ generation, view things differently. My granny will also say “oh you live such a lavish lifestyle”, and there’s an undertone of ‘if you didn’t go on all these holidays, maybe you could afford a house like we did”.

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Can’t buy me love

Having enough money and having affordable housing is important for all sorts of reasons. But once you have enough, having a great-paying job doesn’t always confer the happiness you think it will, says psychologist Sarah Cassidy.“The best states of happiness happen when you are in flow,” says Dr Cassidy. “If you are choosing a job that fills you with that sense of accomplishment, there is no amount of money that can replace that.”

While wealth can improve your happiness, money has a marginal utility of happiness, she says. As you get more of it, the less effective it becomes at making you happy. Having more in some cases can decrease your happiness if you develop “wealth anxiety”, or the fear of losing financial security as your wealth increases. “Money can buy you lots of cool stuff, but it actually doesn’t buy happiness. The research is clear on that,” she says.

So how do you keep the green-eyed monster from harming your relationships? “If your friends or family members have more than you, it’s very easy to feel resentful or jealous,” says Dr Cassidy. Human beings are constantly comparing themselves, but a friend’s financial success doesn’t diminish your worth, she adds.

“Have you made specific choices that are values-driven that have led you to the job you are in now? Not everything is about money, and there are different ways to succeed in life.” Having an open conversation about differences in income can help reduce anxiety and resentment. “Discuss how you prefer to split expenses. If a trip is out of budget, let them know,” she says. If people around you happen to have more money, and you are still choosing to be friends, then the friendship is built on more than financial status.

“Wish your friends well, whilst honouring your own choices in life,” she suggests. “If you point your compass in the direction of who you really want to be in the world, or how you really want to be in the world, very little of that actually relates to money.”

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‘We don’t qualify for finance of any sort’

Bill (49) is a family carer and lives with his wife and three children. His income is €470 per week

Bill and his family live in a council house. “Carer’s Allowance doesn’t count as income, so we don’t qualify for finance of any sort, never mind a mortgage,” he explains. He notices a significant difference between his income and that of his children’s friends’ parents. “For example, Mark [Bill’s son] plays football in a different county. Another lad he knows does too. So, we take turns taking the boys to training and matches. Last night was the other lad’s dad’s turn and they stopped for food on the way home. Now I feel obligated to stop on the next night it is my turn and get takeaway. To them it’s nothing. Both parents work in healthcare. To me, that’s a big dent in the weekly budget.”

Yet without this shared run, Bill would struggle to afford to pay for diesel to get his son to training. “If they [the other parent] can’t make the session when it’s their turn, I have to borrow €20 from my mother-in-law.

“Sadhbh [his daughter] has a friend in school. Her mother is a solicitor. The family have two Mercedes and a big house in the countryside. Her friend has after school activities four out of five days – horse riding, Irish dancing, piano lessons, swimming, cookery classes. Obviously, she excitedly tells Sadhbh every day about the fun things she did the night before. We then have to explain that we can’t afford for her to do a different thing every night, so she has to pick one or two depending on cost.”Bill’s situation “has become worse since moving to countryside” where they have access to “no public transport whatsoever”, he says.

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*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of interviewees, who are known to The Irish Times