Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

This isn’t a “problem” per se (yet!), but something I’d love some perspective on. My partner and I are serious and have said we’d like to get married in the future, but are not engaged yet. When we discussed it, my partner said he loved the idea of being married to me (yay), but he hates the idea of the wedding ceremony itself. My partner dislikes being the center of attention, and he has real anxiety around public speaking, so hates the traditional idea of ceremony where a lot of people look at us and there’s an expectation of uttering vows and giving speeches. I am by no means a traditional person in most areas of my life, but I have been in abusive relationships in the past where I was shamed and hidden by partners and told—explicitly and implicitly—that I wasn’t good enough.

Because of that, I’m now pretty attached to the idea of the public ceremony where my partner chooses me in front of others, and I spent so long believing I wasn’t worthy of romance or normal displays of affection that I think I’d feel quite sad to have an elopement or tiny ceremony where it felt like we were hiding a bit. I don’t buy into the idea of a wedding being “The Bride’s Big Day” and my desire does not outweigh my partner’s, but I’d like us both to be able to have our values and desires fulfilled on our wedding day. How do we think about this, are there any obvious compromises or alternatives?

—Looking for Ideas

Dear Looking,

You can definitely pick and choose what you want to do. Would you be satisfied with getting married in a private ceremony and following it up with a big party that doesn’t involve any public speaking? Or one where you can get on the mic and thank everyone for coming, and he can stand next to you and smile? I think that would be a pretty good compromise.

If you are set on saying your vows in front of a crowd, I wonder if he would find it more manageable if you reminded him of these things:

1) Your wedding is one of the rare times in your life where, if you do the guest list right, everyone is there because they love you and want the best for you.

2) At most straight weddings, the groom is not actually the center of attention, the bride is, because she’s the one with the beautiful dress.

3) You don’t have to write your own vows or say a single word beyond “I do.”

4) You two can have a wedding party so you will be two of six or eight or 10 people standing up there and that can distribute the attention a little.

5) The actual part when you’re up in front of the audience is very short, and for the rest of the time, you are really just having one conversation at a time like you would at any other party—you can choose to skip a first dance and all the garter stuff to decrease your time in the spotlight.

Also, try to underscore that a wedding is about so much more than that one day. There’s planning and coordinating and getting ready in a room with your friends, and your college roommate meeting your spouse’s cousin and then following each other on social media for the rest of their lives. It really brings a community together around you. Maybe if he can think about the larger meaning of the event (which really isn’t just about the two of you!), he might feel less pressure and feel more comfortable with it.

While he’s considering all this, you might reflect some more on your statement that “I’m now pretty attached to the idea of the public ceremony where my partner chooses me in front of others. I think I spent so long believing I wasn’t worthy of romance or normal displays of affection that I think I’d feel quite sad to have an elopement or tiny ceremony.” That’s really honest and insightful, but I also worry that it’s a lot to put on your relationship—the wedding, but also part that comes after the day you say your vows. While you definitely don’t need to be completely healed from your abusive relationship to have a great married life, try to be aware of when you’re reading too much into your husband’s preferences and actions.

In this case, I’m a little concerned that you don’t say you want a traditional wedding because it would be fun or you would enjoy this or that aspect—it’s all about the message it will send about your worth. And because you need that message to be sent, your fiancée may end up doing something that he is uncomfortable with. If it’s a one-time thing, no problem. But you don’t want to find yourself constantly demanding things you normally wouldn’t demand just because you need him to make choices that symbolize a departure from your past.

Dear Prudence,

I got married pretty young. We had been together since college, and it truly felt right to get engaged and married. Over time, my partner has gone through phases of struggling with their temper (nothing violent at all, but they have big outbursts that can be triggering) as well as taking me for granted, criticizing me constantly, and just generally sighing every time I say something they don’t like or that they find to be “extra.” They have let me know I am not a good roommate to them nor a good bedmate. They have also mentioned that I annoy them in a group setting at times. I know, I know—but believe it or not, we are still in love!

A year ago, I initiated a separation which was intended to be temporary. I moved out by myself, trying to cultivate a degree of peace I never had as a kid. A few months ago, they came over to end the relationship, citing they couldn’t handle the uncertainty anymore (we are in couples therapy as well, but haven’t made moves to live together as yet, nor do I feel a desire to do so). Soon after, they took it all back, saying they couldn’t see their life without me.

Since then, I have considered wanting to see other people. I agreed to continue trying, and I still want to, but I am very young and they have displayed that they’re not able to treat me well consistently over the last decade-plus. We still love each other, see the same future, but there are so many possibilities in this life, and I’m not sure being married to my college sweetheart is the way. I know you can’t decide for me, but any guidance as I try to figure out which timeline I’m in?

—Unsure of My Path

Dear Unsure,

You’re right that I can’t decide for you. However! If I could, I would decide that you should move the hell on. Your story has the perfect combination of factors to justify a decision to end a relationship: Your partner is not kind to you and doesn’t appear to like you that much, even if they claim to be in love with you. You are interested in other people (so you can envision yourself moving on!). I’m not reading anything about children, or concern about being able to afford to live on your own, or feeling responsible for him because he has a terrible health condition and needs to stay on your insurance. And it sounds like you’re young enough that you could have a fresh start and an entire life with someone else, taking what you learned from this relationship and creating something much healthier and better.

Imagine yourself 20 years from now, at dinner with someone who manages their temper, thinks you’re a great roommate, and would never dream of saying you annoy them in group settings. You mention “I was actually married for a while right out of college,” as kind of a fun fact shared with friends who only know you with your soulmate. You say “We were young and not right for each other, but now I know what real love is!” To get there, you have to be brave now and get a divorce.

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Dear Prudence,

My mother is a hopeless gossip and has been for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories is from when I was 5 of being humiliated when she told our mailman how I’d thrown up on my dentist. Nothing told to her by anyone will remain confidential; she even will share personal information she’s learned about others with clerks who wait on her at the grocery store!

My In-Laws Pulled a Cruel and Devastating Stunt at Our Wedding. I’m Not Sure I Can Ever Let It Go. Help! My Fiancé’s Demand for Our Wedding Is Going to Wound Me Deeply. Is There Any Hope for Us? My Daughter Can’t Seem to Get Behind a Basic Part of Growing Up. It’s Become a Daily Battle. My Partner Has Suddenly Decided My Job Isn’t Hard Enough

Her online activities are even worse. I keep what I tell her about my life pretty generic (much to her frustration) since I don’t want it shared with the world. More and more family members are doing likewise for the same reason, as she seems to be getting worse with age. Is there anything I can do to break her of this infuriating habit?

—Daughter of the Town Crier

Dear Daughter,

Could you possibly get her into watching a reality show with a lot of seasons and possibly different franchises? Yes. I’m talking about Real Housewives! Maybe you could watch together and then she could chat with you (and even online communities) about all the women and their various antics and life events. Or maybe introduce her to Lipstick Alley, where she could indulge in gossip about celebrities and influencers and Youtubers with people who are just as enthusiastic as she is. I’m hopeful that those things could scratch the itch for her. But obviously, just in case, don’t tell her anything that you wouldn’t want the person bagging groceries to know.

Classic Prudie

I work in a small office (10 people). Two employees (married male, unmarried female) are spending an inordinate amount of time together during office hours. People are beginning to talk. These two spend at least an hour a day in closed-door “meetings,” another 15 minutes here and there during the day chatting and occasionally whispering. They go out to lunch together, and she even came into the office on a Saturday just to talk to him. (They went into her office, shut the door, and emerged a half-hour later. Then she left.) Neither of them has any business reason that requires “meetings.”

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