Every couple has one core fight that replays over and over again, in different disguises, over the course of their relationship. In this series, couples analyze the origins and mechanics of their One Fight. To pitch your own One Fight (we’ll also accept pseudonyms, if necessary), email us at humaninterest@slate.com.

Matthew and Elysha Dicks have been married for about 19 years. They live in Newington, Connecticut. Matt previously told a portion of this story on the Risk! podcast.

Matt: Our core issue is that I often find myself wanting to use my words to verbally attack people when they deserve it, and I’m very good at it. When someone is wronged, I’m able to mete out justice that would be missed out on otherwise because people are so afraid to stick up for themselves. I’ll stick up for them—I’m never afraid to say anything.

You, meanwhile, are much more measured in your responses. If we fight about anything, it’s fighting about fighting.

Elysha: I just don’t think you should go around laying into people, even if they deserve it. You don’t know what’s going on in their lives.

Matt: This has always been a thing for us. For as long as we’ve been together, I’ve come home, having behaved in what I thought was a highly appropriate manner, and you’ll be sitting there like, Oh my god, what have you done?

Elysha: Remember the pig thing?

Matt: Oh, yeah. One time, my co-worker thought I called his baby a pig … which I did. I think all babies look like pigs—which is a sentiment based on a William Blake poem. When I came home that day, there was a furious message on my voicemail. The thing is, I was right: His baby did look like a pig! So when I spoke to him about his message, I was aggressive and confrontational. Later on, I even wrote a poem called “I Called His Baby a Pig and I Was Right” and passed it around to all my friends.

Elysha: Yeah, you made it worse! That’s the thing—you may be right, but sometimes you make it worse.

Matt: I have to do things like that because they’re true. I have to act authentically—especially when people are cruel to others, or there’s some injustice happening. I hate it when people move through the world with impunity and take advantage of others with no repercussions. I might make someone cry with my words, but it’s because they deserved to.

Elysha: One time, we were in this long line at CVS, and it was moving really slowly. The cashier was doing her best to move things along. The woman in front of us was getting really impatient, so she turned around and whispered, “Can you believe how slow this woman is?” You looked at her, and said, really loudly and really harshly, “Why are you telling me how slow the woman at the counter is? Don’t talk about her like that behind her back! She’s doing the best she can!” And I just walked out of the store. It was too much!

Matt: Another time, we were in a synagogue (you’re Jewish, I’m not). Two men sat down next to me and started lamenting that their daughters had married non-Jewish men. They didn’t realize that sitting next to them was a non-Jewish man married to a Jewish woman. As soon as I heard them, I felt these men needed to be punched in the face with words. A list of things I wanted to say popped into my head, Terminator-style. I was about to let loose, but then I reminded myself that the JCC isn’t really my space as much as it’s yours. Me intervening wouldn’t be good for you, even if what I had to say was correct. It kills me to this day that I didn’t say anything.

Elysha: There are just some things you can’t do. We live in society. Sometimes, you have to act like it in order to keep people around.

Matt: I have a friend who is very into karma. And he often tells me, “Sometimes you just have to let karma take care of things.” And I say, “But what if I’m karma?” Maybe people like me are what moves through the world, punching people in the face with words who deserve it, because no one else is willing to.

Elysha: That sounds like an overinflated ego to me. But it kind of makes sense when you understand the family you came from.

Matt: I grew up in a broken household with a very difficult and unfortunate stepfather. Every day was a verbal battle with him. Because he was an adult, and I was a child, I could never win any of those wars. I grew up in constant injustice. As I got older, I found my voice and was able to speak up for myself. That now extends to others, too.

Elysha: You are super smart and highly verbal. You have the skills to take people down, and you know it. That’s how you get the justice you didn’t get in childhood. You like being right, but even more than that, you love the verbal gymnastics of arguing.

Matt: What some people find awkward and uncomfortable, I find genuinely amusing and enjoyable. I was a two-time college debate champion. I have no visual memory whatsoever. I couldn’t even tell you what color my house is. But I can destroy someone verbally. You can topple a person if you just step forward and act in a way that they’re not accustomed to by calling them out for things that no one is willing to call them out on. I never care what people think of me, so if it does become awkward, I just don’t care.

Elysha: The thing is, we live in a smallish community. We’re both elementary school teachers. In class, I tell students to be nice to each other every day. I literally have a banner in my classroom that says “Take care of each other.” It’s important to be seen as measured and responsible for the kids, the parents, and the community. There are times when there’s a big delineation between how you handle something and how I would. So, we have a rule.

Matt: Yeah. I’m only allowed to intervene if someone involves me first. Like at McDonald’s.

Elysha: Oh my god, McDonald’s.

Matt: I was a manager at McDonald’s for 10 years. People would say the absolute worst things to me. One time, someone hit me with their car and didn’t even stop or say sorry because they thought I was nothing. I had a chip on my shoulder about that, and it really came out one day when I was waiting in line for food.

The woman in front of me, whom I call a “cornstalk wrapped in barbed wire,” kept ordering the wrong thing from the cashier, but she was confused and angry when the cashier rang up exactly what she ordered. She thought she was being overcharged when she was actually ordering the wrong thing. The woman was being extremely mean to the cashier, whose name was Maria. I wanted to intervene so badly, but as per our rule, I didn’t. The lady had not yet involved me.

Then, as I was getting a soda, the cornstalk wrapped in barbed wire turned to me and said, “Can you believe how stupid these people are?” I was thrilled. She’d opened the door, and now I could enter. I was like, “You’re terrible. You’re an awful person. The way you treated her was disgusting. You’re a despicable and awful human being.” Then I told her that for the rest of the day, and probably for the rest of my life, I would tell every single person I ran into the story of how horrible she was.

Then she started crying. I was elated. I felt like I won. I elicited a response in her that would make her think about her terribleness forever.

Later, when I told the story to my students, they were not impressed. They thought I took it too far. To them, I was actually the villain.

Brian S. and Erinn S. Read More

Elysha: I have mixed feelings about this, because that woman was wrong. I don’t agree with how she acted. But I think you went too far. How did you know she didn’t have dementia? How would you know what her life is like? I know you’re into speaking up about things, and I love that about you, but I don’t think that all situations are that black and white. You may not always be administering the justice you think you are. If that was me, I would have said something, but it would have topped out at “That wasn’t very nice.”

Matt: I don’t care what’s going on in their life. There’s no excuse for cruelty.

Elysha: There’s a sweet spot in between letting cruelty exist in the world and stamping her into the ground. You don’t have to go all the way.

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Matt: If I don’t go all the way, they won’t remember. They’ll get to go out there and tell their version of the story, where they’re the victim. I think you have to produce an emotion in a person in order to confirm you made an impact. I think you want to throw a pebble. I want to land an asteroid.

Elysha: I yelled at that guy in the bagel place once. Don’t cut me in line.

Matt: You also can’t stand cheating. You wouldn’t let that 100-year-old woman cheat at Scrabble, remember?

Elysha: She had 100 years to learn proper vocabulary! See, I have some boundaries, too. My reactions just aren’t as large as yours. They’re large to me, but not to you.

Matt: I do have to give you some credit for not reining me in too much. The best thing you do for me is let me be myself, at all times, without complaint. You know you’re not my mother. You’ll let me be totally and completely myself, and I love that so much.

Elysha: You’re a grown man. You can say and do what you want—it just can’t negatively affect me, our family, or the house.

Matt: That’s exactly why I didn’t say anything at the JCC. I’m still pissed about that.

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