Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.

Dear Prudence,

I wouldn’t say that my sister “Kim” and I are close, but she does call me like clockwork every three months or so to talk to me for three hours straight about her woes. I have a lot of patience for these calls actually and do feel like I can handle them. But I feel like I’m holding back some very crucial feedback for Kim that involves our family, and also her kids.

Kim is an all-talk, no action kind of person. She talks a big game about the kind of person she is and what she wants out of life, but then she just kind of lets life happen to her. She is painfully unaware of other people’s interests and needs, but will tell you all day long what a good friend she is and how all she does is live for other people. Kim is constantly talking about how she would literally die for her children, but spends most of the day ignoring them while she posts on Facebook about how much she cares about her kids. I’ve been hearing for years about how she’s just about to start getting into shape, about to start working again, about to work on her garden, etc. She is so desperate to be seen as a good, capable, hardworking person but literally puts zero effort into behaving that way. She takes advantage of everyone she can and is reaping the consequences in loneliness and isolation.

Obviously Kim is struggling profoundly and deserves to be in therapy and to have a good support network. But like many people who struggle with possible-ADHD or anxiety or personality disorders, she can’t take action to make those connections. I can’t solve anything for her, but I feel like I could try to reflect back to her what I’m seeing. Our parents and brother have kind of washed their hands of her, she doesn’t have friends, and her partner is checked out too.

I feel like I have the presence of mind and the right motivation to be real with her but I also don’t want to be unkind. We can’t even really have conversations because she just talks over me, so I feel like I would need to send her a long text or something to express myself—but my frustration with her has kind of short circuited my kindness. How do I thoughtfully say “You’re so totally full of shit and self-absorbed. I’m here for you as your sister, but also you have to talk less and just do more because you’re living in self delusion?”

It’s actually not that I personally want to feel heard by her because I’ve long since given up on getting that kind of connection from Kim. I just want someone to finally shine a spotlight on her pattern of behavior and I guess it could come from me.

— Here’s What I’m Noticing

Hillary Frey Read More

Jenée Desmond-Harris: Do you know what I think is one of the keys to having good, peaceful relationships that don’ t drive you nuts? A lot of people would say communication but that’s not it. It’s being okay with just allowing people to be who they are, with all their flaws, accepting that they might not change. Of course I’m talking about flaws that don’t hurt anyone else, like Kim’s. We all have our shit and it’s really helpful to remember that we can actually be happy even if other people aren’t doing what we think they should be doing.

Lizzie O’Leary: And this is why you are Dear Prudence. Because you recognize that this is one of the most —if not THE most—essential life skills. Unfortunately, it’s very hard, and I think the closer you are to the person, the harder it is to let them be who they are and not hop in to try to fix it. So, the question then becomes how much Kim’s flaws bother you, letter writer. And it sounds like they do, a lot. Jenée, what do you think is the line between “I am doing this for my sister” and “I am doing this because my sister is driving me crazy”?

JDH: Great question. The letter writer wants to “Shine a spotlight on her behavior” … to what end? Do we really think Kim will go “Oh wow, that clarifies everything. I should get it together!” No. LW wants to speak up because she’s annoyed.

LO: Yeah. And, you know, I get it. I think there is a decent case to be made that Kim could specifically benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. And I say that not as a therapist (I am very much not), but as someone who has benefitted from it. I had done talk therapy before, but CBT is really great at helping reframe behavior. You still have feelings! You just learn a different way of responding to them. I think you are coming up on a big question: do you want to (gently) confront Kim about this, i.e.; mirror it back to her. Or do you want to just let her do her own thing and let go of your frustration. Only you, LW, know which approach will work for you.

JDH: I think it’s totally fine for a sister to suggest therapy. Now, tone matters. It should be more “You have so much going on right now and are so stressed. You deserve to be in therapy to get some tools to handle everything,” not “You’re so messed up. For the love of God, get some therapy and stop complaining.”

I also understand that no one should spend hours on end feeling stuck on the phone with someone who isn’t being considerate of their time or perspective and is just ranting. But I have some ideas to get around that:

1. The travel phone call: Talk to her when you’re in the car or walking somewhere so the call has an end.

2. The cleaning phone call: Just put her on speaker or in an AirPod and let her talk while you fold laundry. You’ll be less agitated if you’re not just sitting there wasting time listening to her.

3. Take control of the conversation: I know you said she talks over you, LW, but I think if you text her beforehand and say “I really want to tell you about the latest work drama and my garden,” and then talk about those things, the calls will feel more balanced.

4. Pretend you’re a therapist: Am I the only one who thinks this is fun? It’s self-explanatory. What questions would you ask and what kind of empathy would you express if you were doing your job by listening to her and it was your goal to help her without being so direct or confrontational that she would fire you?

LO: OMG these are brilliant! I am just realizing that I, unconsciously, do a version of this. I often put my AirPods in when I am taking the dog for her nighttime walk and check in with people. It’s a nice, limited way of staying connected, but also allows me to go home and bat cleanup for kid bedtime. I think the pretend therapist answer is also super helpful because it provides some emotional distance. And, therefore, one is less likely to blow up!

Help! My Husband’s Best Man Made a Stunning Admission During His Wedding Speech. I Might Never Get Over It. My Husband’s Assumption About My Workday Is Insulting. I Have a Proposal to Fix It. I Thought My Husband Had Sworn Off Certain Sexual Urges. Not Quite. My Wife Woke Up One Morning to Find Our Baby’s Appearance Dramatically Altered. My Grandma Is to Blame.

JDH: Exactly! Another thing to do, LW, might be to self-reflect a bit. Yes, Kim is infuriating and yes, Kim is making a lot of mistakes. But is there anything you do that might be just as annoying to her? Or is there an area of your life where you’re a Kim? Is there something she puts up with from you (perhaps you’re controlling, or maybe you are always late - whatever)? You could tell yourself you’ll work on that before you work on her, because you don’t want to be a hypocrite who suggests self-improvement without doing it yourself. And by turning your focus inward, you might find yourself spending less time taking stock of where she’s falling short.

LO: We are all, I hate to say it, annoying. I keep coming back to this bit of Bluey (I am so sorry, I just … this is what we watch at home), where Mum says you have to take the good of people (well, dogs) with the bad. Which is simplistic, but also freeing. We are all flawed, and we can express love and concern for people, but we can’t change them. Change is an individual action.

JDH: I know this person wrote in hoping to hear “Tell Kim that the next time she complains about something she refuses to fix you’re hanging up” and instead she got “Pretend to be a therapist” and Bluey wisdom. Sorry!!

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