Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My youngest brother is nearly 20 and is away at university. I am 27 and live in our hometown, and I see our parents nearly every day. My brother comes home semi-regularly, at Christmas and maybe a weekend here or there.

My mother sometimes jokes that she has to beg him for a text back. But recently, she opened up to me that she never hears from him without insisting, that she doesn’t know if he ever wants to come home again, and that this wounds her deeply. My younger sister (23) and I are both very close with our parents, and we call and text all the time.

My mother is a very kind and supportive woman, who will bust a gut to help any of her kids. She’s been very clear that she doesn’t put any pressure on him to be closer or to come home, even though she badly wants him to. She worries that she will never be close to him the way she is with her two daughters. I don’t think my brother has any issues with our parents, unless something has escaped my notice. I’m not close to him, and I don’t hear from him. He’s generally a pretty nice guy, if kind of typical for a male his age. He’s friendly and sociable when he is at home. I think he is just enjoying being away from home and hasn’t developed the awareness yet to realize that it would make his mom happy to hear from him. It makes me so sad to see my mother unhappy. What advice would you give her? Is there anything I can do to help, except be a sympathetic ear when she’s sad about it?

—The Eldest Daughter, At It Again

Dear At It Again,

My Neighbor’s Kids Are “Homeschooled.” Uh, I’m Not So Sure That’s Even True. Help! My Daughter’s Widower Is About to Remarry. I Can’t Believe Who He Chose. The Day Care Next Door Treats My Driveway Like a Drop-Off Zone. I’m Done Being Understanding. Help! My Fiancé Took a DNA Test. Now I’m Considering Calling Off the Wedding.

What a refreshing letter. Your mom sounds great, you are so sweet to be concerned about her, and your brother seems totally normal! I don’t think we have a huge problem here. College is a prime time to forget about your parents. In a healthy way! He’s learning, making friends, and thinking about his future. To have a mom at home who he knows is OK and loves him, and who he can see when he visits, is a privilege.

Your mom should be proud that she’s raised someone who dares to leave home and spread his wings. When you talk to her, reassure her that the amount of contact she has with him is well within the normal range. But also tell her that if she wants to hear his voice or find out how he’s doing, she shouldn’t be afraid to reach out and get his attention. This doesn’t have to be in an intense, heavy way—she can do it with a light touch: “Hey, I know you’re busy, but I miss you! Call me while you’re walking to class one day this week so I can ask you a bunch of annoying questions. I promise to keep it to 10 minutes! XO, Mom.”

Hillary Frey Read More

I also think it would be fine for you to nudge him out of his developmentally-appropriate self-absorbed bubble, saying something like, “Do me a favor and reach out to Mom this weekend. Hearing from you would put her in a great mood. Apparently, the two of us can’t make up for your absence!”

While I’m telling you it’s fine to coach both your mother and brother to get the ball rolling on their communication, please do this knowing that their relationship is ultimately out of your hands—and so is your mom’s happiness.

Classic Prudie

I struggle with guilt. I have my entire life, but it has gotten worse the older I get. If my parents ever mention, even in passing, how much they spent on something for me, like a vacation or classes as a kid, then I would no longer be able to enjoy it because I would be filled with anxiety about what a burden I was. I also struggle with guilt about gifts. For example, when I graduated college, my parents gave me a computer program for people who want to write scripts. It was what I really wanted at the time. However, life and chronic illness got in the way, and my dreams changed. Now it’s been almost 10 years, and I’ve never even opened it.

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