Dear Readers: I’m at a family event — a happy one — this week. This column originally appeared in July 2013. Back with a new Savage Love next week. — Dan

 I’m a 26-year-old straight female. I’m writing because I need to ask someone what to think right now. I just fucked a guy while on holiday in Costa Rica. I thought I was sex-positive and adventurous, so why do I feel so ashamed? I’m dating a boy back in the US who I absolutely adore, but we’re not necessarily exclusive. The guy was a 22-year-old local—I thought he was so sweet. But he did that bullshit “fuck her and then get her out of bed and drive her home” shit. I told him it wasn’t okay, and he made excuses. I feel so fucking pathetic right now. Is this because I did something stupid? Is this a natural feeling? Or is it a result of some deep psychological self-induced slut-shaming? Why would he kick me out like that? Please help me wrap my head around this.

Truly Underestimated Risk In Sexy Travel Adventure

My hunch — and it’s just a hunch — is that before you could give yourself permission to fuck this guy, TURISTA, you had to convince yourself the encounter wasn’t just two strangers using each other for sex. Like a lot of people who wanna have one-night stands — men and women, gays and straights, locals and tourists — you “virtue-washed” a sleazy sexual encounter by convincing yourself that you shared a meaningful insta-connection with this boy. (“I thought he was so sweet.”) You convinced yourself that if circumstances were different — if you were single, if you lived in Costa Rica — you could see yourself dating this guy. You rounded this dude up to boyfriend material, TURISTA, but the way he treated you after the sex was over (“Back to the hotel”) stripped away your illusions: He was a player (probably), and you had been played (most likely), and you wanted to be played (with).

Was your reaction sex-negative? Yes, it was. Are you slut-shaming yourself? Yes, you are. You did something kind of sleazy on vacation, TURISTA, just like millions of other people before you, and you misjudged someone. Who hasn’t? I’m assuming the sex was good, it was just the aftermath that sucked. As for why he kicked you out, TURISTA, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe he’s in a relationship that’s “not necessarily exclusive,” and his girlfriend was coming over in the morning and wouldn’t appreciate finding a turista — yet another one — in her boyfriend’s bed.

Never thought I’d be writing to you for advice, but here goes: I’m a straight guy with a long-term girlfriend who has a choking fetish. She needs to be choked during sex to get off. I’m more of a vanilla kind of dude, but in the spirit of being GGG, I’ve been doing this for her. The thing is, it kind of scares me. I don’t particularly get off on it, and it actually brings out parts of me that I don’t like. More importantly, I’m really scared of hurting her. Recently while on vacation, hotel security was called because our neighbors thought I was assaulting her, as she’s a screamer and likes to struggle during sex. I’m trying to be GGG, but now it feels like every fuck needs to be a rape scene, complete with choking. She doesn’t like it any other way. I don’t want to accidentally hurt her or kill her and wind up in jail, but she’s dismissive when I share my concerns. My friends in the BDSM scene scold me and say that breath play is never okay. Your thoughts?

Throat Harm Really Obsesses This Terrific Lady Entirely

Here’s what kink author, educator, and activist Jay Wiseman has to say about choking in his book SM 101: A Realistic Introduction: “I know of no way whatsoever that suffocation or strangulation can be done that does not intrinsically put the recipient at risk of cardiac arrest… I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest becomes imminent. If the recipient does arrest, the probability of resuscitating them, even with optimal CPR, is small.” Even if choking weren’t dangerous — and it may be less dangerous than some make it sound; most news stories about people getting killed during “breath play” involve solo scenes, not being choked by a partner — being this woman’s boyfriend/assailant has become tedious. Setting choking and its dangers aside, THROTTLE, you’d need to ask yourself if you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who’s as inconsiderate, selfish, and sexually limited as your girlfriend appears to be.

I am a 29-year-old lesbian. My best friend has an incredibly hot sister to whom I am very attracted. Let’s call her Gladys. Gladys is about 10 years older than me and happily married to a man. We talk about life on Facebook and text each other frequently. Recently, things have gotten a bit more flirtatious. I am dying to say to her, “I am super-attracted to you and I don’t want to assume anything about your agreements with your hubby. If you ever want to explore your sexuality with a girl, I would love to be that girl.” It seems like a delicate situation. I love my best friend’s entire family. I love their mom. I have spent holidays at their house and vacationed with them. I don’t want to embarrass myself. But I know she couldn’t ask me that same thing. It just wouldn’t be right from her side, since I am her little sister’s best friend. Is there a way to roll this out?

Lesbian Under Straight Tease

Let’s do a quick risk/reward analysis, LUST. By hitting on this woman, you risking screwing up your relationship with your best friend, your best friend’s sister, and your best friend’s mom — and you risk losing all future family holiday/vacation invites — for the potential reward of getting into the pants of your best friend’s hot married older sister once or twice. Seems like a lot to risk if you ask me, LUST, and you did ask me. That said, there are a lot of married bi women out there. But if Gladys has an open relationship with her husband — or if they’re actively seeking for a unicorn — it would be better if they made the first move. So, keep flirting and live in hope.

A girl I worked

Dear Readers: I’m at a family event — a happy one — this week. This column originally appeared in July 2013. Back with a new Savage Love next week. — Dan  I’m a 26-year-old straight female. I’m writing because I need to ask someone what to think right now. I just fucked a guy while on holiday in Costa Rica. I thought I was sex-positive and adventurous, so why do I feel so ashamed? I’m dating a boy b

ack in the US who I absolutely adore, but we’re not necessarily exclusive. The guy was a 22-year-old local—I thought he was so sweet. But he did that bullshit “fuck her and then get her out of bed and drive her home” shit. I told him it wasn’t okay, and he made excuses. I feel so fucking pathetic right now. Is this because I did something stupid? Is this a natural feeling? Or is it a result of some deep psychological self-induced slut-shaming? Why would he kick me out like that? Please help me wrap my head around this. Truly Underestimated Risk In Sexy Travel Adventure My hunch — and it’s just a hunch — is that before you could give yourself permission to fuck this guy, TURISTA, you had to convince yourself the encounter wasn’t just two strangers using each other for sex. Like a lot of people who wanna have on

Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]!

Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!

Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love